'splitting'?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
'splitting'?
1
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 9:16pm
Is this an example of that really negative defene mechanism called splitting (you know, everything is ALL good or else it is ALL bad?).

I'm thinking about relationships and the 'contract' that people make with each other...if the contract someone made with me was a long of the lines of: "Well, we're togethor sometimes, but we're not DATING just yet..." the truth is, it would make me pretty unhappy and frustrated. On the one hand, I see the logic of: "Well, you can't change their decision" and I understand that its easier for both parties to let people come and go in your life. But I would have a few choice words to say in this situation....I'd be tempted to point out: "OH, okay, so at some future date, of YOUR choosing, I guess you'll make up your mind over wether I'm worth completely caring about. thanks."

Is that just splitting?? Is that an extreme reaction on my part? Should I not feel used in said situation? Should I really just be like: "Oh well, they'll come and go as they please."

SOmetimes I feel like...even if its communicated before hand that its 'just messing around', such a situation really cant last long anyway, because if it DOES last long, the two individuals tend to develop feelings for each other anyway (as being physically close tends to do). Is it really illogical to assume that after a period of time the issue will likely have to be reassed, for both individuals?

I've read other things too....things out of the mouths of authors with PhD's, suggesting that....game-playing isn't only an innate tendancy, it's actually what strengthens romance and relationships. Theres no doubt, Im sure, in anyones mind that 'the chase' is in intoxicating...but wouldn't engaging in that kind of stuff bring mistrust into a relationship? I mean, sure there's no way to generalize...but is that really the best attitude to bring to the table?? I feel like that could only...damage a relationships. and individuals for that matter.

Or am I just total out-of-loop-never-going-to-get-it guy about dating here.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 6:49am
Here's the other alternative - don't settle for someone who says he is not ready to date you and just wants to mess around - if what you want is a relationship. I would not go on one date with a man who had that mind set, and believe me if you want to you can find out that mind set - with some small margin of error - on or before the first date. If a man said to me he wasn't ready for a relationship (with me) I would say - that's fine - if you ever change your mind you know how to find me and if I remain interested and available I will consider it. I don't play games - I am self protective - I don't have casual sex or "hang out" as opposed to dating someone who shares my goals - to see if we are compatible for marriage - I have never had a problem meeting men with those goals or who are willing to wait until we are exclusive and committed and have been dating a few months or longer- to have sex. Result - I am not cynical about men or relationships.