Should I dump him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Should I dump him?
1
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 9:38am
I need some second opinions on a matter that's been bugging me. This is long so I apologize in advance.

I've been seeing this guy, D, for about 3 weeks now. We go to same college together. I'm a 22 year old senior - he is a 19 year old freshman. We technically met online but we had taken class together before (but didn't know each other) and he first saw me singing at a jazz concert. We really hit it off right from the start, talking non-stop, spending nice times together, and I hung out with him and his friends a lot. At this point I am convinced that he is smitten with me and he tells me that he is afraid of falling in love again (he has been hurt in the past).

I like this guy. I find him attractive, funny, and sweet. And I am willing to look over the fact that there is an age gap (I know it's only 3 years but 19 and 22 is a lot different than let's say 25 and 28). I got out of a serious relationship about 4 months ago and after fooling around with a few guys, I feel like I am ready for a boyfriend, or at least date one person at a time. D got of his last relationship about 3 months ago because his ex cheated on him. He says he doesn't want anything serious but he really likes me and he's told all his friends about me, etc.

Here's the part that bugs me. This past week, under the pretense of studying for a test on thursday, he barely spoke to me (we mostly talk online) and said he was too busy to hang out with me. I understand that school is important so I had no problem with this. On thursday morning/afternoon, he contacted me saying maybe we can get together that night since his test will be over. I suggested a movie and we made a date. Later that evening, he text messaged me, cancelling the movie. I got home around 9pm and he apologized again (online) for cancelling, saying he didn't feel like watching another movie and that he is going drinking with his buddies. This completely ticked me off. Later that night, he called me around midnight saying he wants to see me badly (he was intoxicated at this point) so I went over to him to confront him about that night. I told him I was mad at his behavior and that I won't tolerate that kind of disrespectful behavior. I personally have come to a point where I know my worth and I know I deserve to be treated with respect. Then he went on confessing that he could've made time for me this week but didn't see me on purpose because he's afraid of spending too much time with me and getting attached to me, and that he thinks about me constantly and he feels that's too 'dangerous'. I told him I understand why he might be feeling scared since he was so recently hurt but I want more honesty from him and enough respect to not jerk me around. He apologized.

Last night, I went to a frat party that he had invited me to. I'm not a big frat party person but I figured I'd go to one last one before I finish school. Thank goodness I brought a friend along with me because he basically acted as if I didn't exist. Yeah he danced with me for like 2 minutes here and there and kissed me and introduced me to some of his friends, but he spent most of the time drinking and disappearing so that I had no idea where he was. It was a big party so I was ok with dancing with other guys and having fun on my own but I was a little disappointed that he barely spent time with me. I tried to be understanding... that is until as we were walking out, hand in hand, this girl just grabs him and starts making out with him right in front of me! They were both drunk and she was the one that planted the kiss on him and he made a grossed out face afterwards, but that was definitely not a pleasant sight. I semi-punched him in the stomach and walked out. A little while later my friend and I wanted to leave. The party was dwindling down and we had planned that he was going to stay at my place. I told him we wanted to leave, and he would say 'give me one minute', go back to his friends and talk to them, get another drink, and fool around. I got fed up so I walked out without him and waited for him outside. After about 5 minutes he joined us and we went home. He was so drunk that he ended up throwing up a storm at my place and passing out. Even my friend said that he was being a jerk at the party and that I should dump him.

I think it's only been 3 weeks and we've had some really nice times together but I'm not sure how much of this crappy behavior I can tolerate. I don't want him to change his lifestyle or anything like that but he is definitely losing points for not treating me well enough as his girlfriend (gf/bf status has been established at this point). I really don't know what to do or what to tell him. I do feel like there's a lot of potential here but I want to be treated the way I deserve to be. Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 9:50am
Telling you that he's not into anything serious means that he's NOT INTO ANYTHING SERIOUS. Continuing to hang out with him means that you are agreeing to his terms. If you don't like the way he behaves towards you, then don't hang out with him. It's really that simple. I wouldn't have gone to that frat party, but his behavior that night should have been enough to firm up your decision to get rid of him. He was with you and not with you, then he was so out of it that he let that girl kiss him, etc. When I look back at my college days, the very people that were partyers were the ones that ended up in rehab and AA.