Do I "owe "him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Do I "owe "him?
4
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 3:49pm
My boyfriend pouts when I don't want to have sex. We've been together 1 1/2 years and he's always had a high sex drive. Sex was a regular-basis thing until a few months ago. I'm working and going to college full time, so I barely even have time to sleep. So he'll walk up and grab me inappopriately(which I also don't like) as soon as I walk in the door at night. Then when I say no, he sulks and pouts and gives me the cold shoulder. This is the time we spend together whenever I don't want sex. Usually it's because I'm tired, but now it's starting to stem from resentment, too.

The worst thing is, I go through the motions sometimes because I feel like I "owe" it to him. His job pays more, so he takes on the brunt of the expenses...and housework, since I'm never home. He doesn't use this against me. Maybe it's all in my head----but when I say no and he's sulking, I can almost hear him thinking, "You know it's the least you could do." I get the feeling sometimes is sex is the only time he enjoys my company, anyway. But lately I can't stand even the thought of it anymore. Please help, I don't want to feel this way towards him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 6:08pm
You don't owe him anything except a conversation as to why you don't have such a high sex drive right now. I would just make certain that you're not rejecting him, that you're just exhausted with work and school. Sit down and have a talk with him and clear things up. Let him know that you feel a lot of pressure with the added responsibilites.

To make things feel less 'forced' maybe you could set aside one night a week to have a date with him in which you do something that brings you both out of your routine. If you get out of the house, enjoy a nice dinner together, the vibes should be flowing positively and then you can both enjoy dessert. ;)

I hope this helps. Good luck.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 9:35am
If you don't trust that he loves you for you I would move out tomorrow and/or start paying half of the expenses.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 9:56am
no you don't owe him sex...what you do owe him is a conversation explaining to him what you've just explained to the board...you have to clarify to him that turning down sex is not rejecting him or the relationship...you also have to talk to him about your changed sex drive and what you _two_ can do about it. This is a talk that you have to have soon.

If you can't come to some sort of agreement, then you have to consider if your needs are getting met in this relationship and do what you have to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 10:20am

Hello whendl, welcome to the board!


First of all, you don't "owe" him sex... don't even go there... sex should be pleasurable and borne of desire not of obligation.


If your sex drive has diminished and you know why it has then you should discuss that with him. Now, you said that this changed a few months ago... it would be helpful if you could recognize what changed to diminish it. He sees a change and is taking it personally and demonstrating his disappointment by sulking (which can sometimes be construed as manipulative behavior) which furthers a guilt feeling in you. As a result, resentment is beginning to build which will do nothing more than to compound the problem.


It is important for your boyfriend (as well as for you) to realize that relationships (as well as sex drives) go through transitions. They are not always constant. Sometimes you want sex and sometimes you don't. That is normal.


But, it started to sound like your boyfriend is more interested in what he gets out of the relationship instead of what he is putting into it. Not counting the financial/living situation (an entirely different matter) it is important to work to see your partner at his/her best instead of making him/her feel worse. This takes understand and acceptance... and discussion and communication...


Imagine this scenario... you walk in the door at night, tired from a hard day... instead of grabbing you to satisfy his own desires, he makes you comfortable, fixes you your favorite drink and fixes you a nice hot bath to relax in... I'll guarantee that you would feel better and more receptive to his advances after that - you may still be tired but you would, at least, be more receptive than if he just grabbed you with no regards for your state of mind when you entered the door...


Now, my point here is this - he is thinking of himself instead of you... and, that's not what a relationship should be about.


tg