Would this bother you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Would this bother you?
2
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 11:51am
My guy and I have been dating 8 months and our relationship has been exclusive for 5. We're both in our 40s. We usually spend the weekends together and see each other once during the week. That's been our pattern for months. Would appreciate any feedback on the following situations.

1. He has 3 kids and spends a lot of time going to various school games/activities. He's told me he'd like me to go with him since he enjoys my company. I've told him I'll go to some, but not to all of them (sometimes there are several a week). So he says he'll just tell me what his schedule is for the week, then leave it totally up to me to tell him which activities I'll go to. Is this putting all the pressure on me, and is this fair?

2. Last night after dinner at his house with the kids, he was kind of quiet. I asked him if he wanted me to help him with a project he's been working on and he said no. So I said I'd head home (it was about 7 pm). Later he called me to ask why I left so early. He said he had wanted me to stick around so that we could spend time together (I'd spent most of the day shopping with his older daughter.) When I asked him why he hadn't said something after diner, he said he "didn't have the opportunity" because I told him I was leaving. I would have been happy to stay but figured he wanted time alone, since he was quiet after dinner. I had to spend 30 minute discussing this "miscommunication" with him. This type of thing happens fairly frequently. I end feeling defensive and I think he makes a big deal out of littel things. Am I over reacting?

3. Sometimes he refers to times we don't spend together as "missed opportunities". This phrase makes me uncomfortable. What's he really saying here?

Would appreciate input from anyone. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 4:44pm
Miscommunication is certainly what you have, and it's due to LACK of communication between you. When you don't communicate, you often end up frustrated and disappointed by frequent misunderstandings. You both need to open up and talk about things! You *assumed* he wanted to work on a project, but he didn't. He wanted to spend time with YOU. He *assumed* you didn't want to spend time with him b/c you decided to leave early. Either one of you could have asked one simple question and avoided that whole scenario. Communication really is the key to getting to know someone better and having a relationship with fewer misunderstandings and "missed opportunities." I think that statement shows he is also feeling frustrated and disappointed. You two need to get together and communicate better and you'll have smoother sailing.

I don't really see how he's "putting pressure" on you by letting you know his schedule and leaving it up to you to decide what you want to attend with him. He might think (as I do) that it would actually be MORE pressure on you if he was to constantly be asking you to come to every single thing that comes up (knowing you don't want to go to them all).

Question: If you are serious about a relationship with this man, and down the road you and he are much more involved in one another's lives, are you willing to adapt to the lifestyle of a parent with 3 children? That is a very hectic lifestyle and you really DO need to grab every little opportunity to spend time alone together b/c there aren't as many of them as single people have. That's probably what he means by missed opportunities...he no doubt feels disappointed when it appears to him that you choose not to take advantage of the precious opportunities that come along. Much of his time is always going to be taken up being a father. Is that ok with you and does it fit in with what YOU are looking for out of a longterm relationship (and out of life in general)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 7:15am
I would limit your contact with his children unless you are sure that this relationship is heading towards marriage. Kids don't date - they attach - and if things don't work out between the two of you, the kids will be the real losers in this situation having forged a bond with you. It's not good for children to be let down in that kind of way - could lead to all sorts of abandonment issues.

I know that doesn't really answer your question about your boyfriend, but I do think that keeping children out of a dating equation is best for all concerned until there is some assurance that the relationship is serious and heading towards commitment.

As for this guy - I'd stop assuming things and take a more direct approach (I know, easier said than done!) and just ask him when you sense he is quiet, whether he would like some space or whether anything is bothering him since you are not a mind reader!

Coolas