rebuilding trust
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| Tue, 03-30-2004 - 9:03pm |
We had very much in common and we believed to be on the same page in life and so we met. He shared very openly to me about his upbringing, his past relationships and his struggles. I was not that ready to reveal such details of myself yet.
We agreed to move in together as he is a long distance truck driver and couldn't see why pay rent for a place he hardly sees. He is in his truck all week and with me on the weekends and our time together is extremely limited. I also feel the best and quickest way to truly know a person is to live with them.
The first year was wonderful. I was so comfortable with him and trusted his word totally. He always told me 'if we can't trust each other then we have nothing'. We can talk about anything and he is very open with his feelings.
Well time has now past and he has been caught in numerous 'small' lies. I never addressed them at first as I needed to be sure it wasn't just my insecurities coming forward. Things he has told me from the very beginning were not as he describes them now. He exagerates or 'alters' facts on a lot of things. I also believe he 'forgets' what he intially told me and then if a same discussion comes up the content has changed.
The biggest thing that has brought all of this to the surface were the porn sites I found out he was joining. We discussed these issues earlier on in our relationship and had told me he is against it as I was. My computer showed me different and he had no way out of it. I was initially going to ask him to leave but I felt I should at least let him explain himself to which he said he had never done anything like this before and he was 'curious' and it is over. I told him I really didn't buy that but would give him the benefit of the doubt and made it clear our relationship might not take another blow like this. I told him I don't trust him as I once did and it would have to be earned again. He has to be who he says he is or we are through. It is not so much the porn but the lies are the worse to me . If a person lies then they cannot be trusted. He said he now realizes how strongly I feel on this issue and it won't happen again. That is not who he is, he says.
Well, 8 months later it has happened again and of course his first reaction was 'what is that?' and then immediately retracted and fessed up. I was still trying to learn to trust him with the previous issues. He now feels he may have a problem with porn and deceit although he does not like who he has become. I told him that if this 'is' who he really is, then he has to be true to himself, and that is ok but maybe we are not meant for each other. He has since seen a psychiatrist to address the lying to me and came home very optimistic about how to deal with and prevent it.
My concern is he is still not telling the truth on things. He tells me something and then I find out the 'true' facts a later from someone else. (or the horses' mouth so to speak) It can be on the smallest thing that may involve us but is here nor there.
I address the 'smaller' issues as they arise now as opposed to waiting until I am positively certain he he lying. I feel as though I am still 'waiting' for the "BIG" lie and it is really confusing how I feel when he is alone.
Minus the lies, we both feel we had, and to some degree still have a good relationship but if there is no reason to lie and I can't trust or believe him with the 'little' things, then how on earth am I to learn to trust or believe him on a larger scale?
I want to trust him but am really struggling with it. Would you please advise me if I am making something out of possibly nothing?
Thank you

You deserve someone who is honest with you - whether he tells you everything under the sun is not important, just that what he does share with you is truthful - and he deserves someone who is not going to snoop on his computer and act like his mother - I think both of you need space from each other for now and in part brought these problems on yourself by developing a false sense of intimacy and moving way too fast in this relationship - so you need to slow down and back up a bit. If you cannot trust him then no I do not think you should be with him.
If anything, I think you are UNDER-reacting!
I would just like you to know that I was not snooping in the computer.
The computer is mine and I had it before I knew him. He was using a friends
while we were talking online.
I have a lot of information and programs work related in here and I had lost a
particular item when I went into my cookies to try to find and retrieve it when I
came across the porn. To be honest, his mother helped direct me how to search
the files to find what I was looking for as I was not familiar with these parts of the
computer.
I am not a nosy person and I do respect the privacy of others. I also respect
other peoples property and would not invade their personal belongings.
I just wanted you to know.
Take care
Generally, a person tells you what they want you to know... not necessarily the truth but what they want you to know...
Yes, trust can be rebuilt but it takes time. And, it takes effort. And, each time a person tells a lie the clock starts over (and, it takes longer each time).
The question is why is he lying? Is it because of fear? Does he fear what you will say or do if you knew the truth? Does he really understand the damage he is doing by not telling the truth?
The ironic thing is that, when he told you he wasn't going to do it anymore, he could have made that a truth by believing it himself. But, he made a choice later, to do it again and then the mere admission that he wouldn't do it anymore became a lie too!
Trust is the foundation of a successful relationship. If you cannot trust your partner than you should not be with them. You deserve more than that. You deserve to have faith in your partner and in this one you clearly cannot.
tg
computers to know how to do something like that. His mother told me what to do
to search the cookies and the history to help me find what I was looking for when I came across these things.
I was signed in under my name and password. I do respect and continue to respect his privacy and I do believe the truth always reveals itself one way or another as he found out as well.
Take care