I Looked For Dirt....And Found Dirt!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
I Looked For Dirt....And Found Dirt!!!
7
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 7:33am
I'm in a real pickle here!!!

A couple of days ago, I was on the computer surfing the world wide web, and decided to check my fiance's email before I logged off. (I check his email because he cheated on my a while ago.)

Anyway, everything was all good, but then I came across a familiar name. The name of the girl he cheated on me with 2 years ago. The content of the email was innocent enough, nothing even remotely personal. She's pursuing her bachelor's degree, and she was asking him to proofread an observation that she made. Nothing more.

When he cheated with her, we were living in another city, and after we moved, he said he never spoke to her again. And even now, every now and again, I ask if he has spoken to her. He always says, "No, I don't even know how to contact her." But in the email, she recites what city he lives in, what school district he works for, and even the name of the school. He just got this job last year, but according to him, he hasn't spoken to her in 2 years.

Anyway, now I know he's still communicating with her, although I'm pretty sure he's not seeing her. (She's in college in another city)But he has been lying about talking to her.

My problem is, how do I approach him with the issue, without incriminating myself for snooping through his email?

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 7:40am
I would just come clean. Though checking his email is wrong, it is the lesser of 2 evils. Im sure he will try and make the situation about your snooping instead of his continual lying. Are you staying with this man?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 7:46am
Well first off you don’t trust him. That’s a given or you wouldn’t be snooping. So how are you going to marry this man knowing you don’t trust him. Do you think that once you marry him that the trust will somehow be restored?? It won’t be. Trust me, my exhusband was sneaky and I caught him in so many lies that I turned into the detective as well, checking his wallet when he was asleep, checking his car for evidence of things, hitting redial on the phone…had we had a computer and email at the time I’m sure I would have checked that. It was a horrible way to live…do you really want this for your future? And now you are asking how to confront him but to conceal how dishonest and underhanded you were in all this…come on???

You both are sneaky and dishonest…this doesn’t sound like that great of a relationship.

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 8:03am
I dont know LH...I mean, this IS a man who cheated on her. She might not be dishonest or sneaky by nature. Either way though, you are right...the trust is gone here.
Avatar for unsure4now
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 9:41am
WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU WILLINGLY AND KNOWINGLY MARRYING A CHEATER???? I don't get it. What wonderful way to start your marriage- there seems to be no chance of "Happily ever after" for you. Now you just caught him in another lie- come on girl, he obviously still talks to her in some degree.

Be strong, be smart- break off this engagement. Unless you look forward to divorce court.............

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 11:53am
A question. How can you check another persons email w/o them knowing? Would'nt you have to know their password or something? Really curious about that...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 12:02pm
I agree with Bratgirl... I think you will have to tell him that you got into his email and saw his communication with the other girl. Yes, you will have to admit you snooped and apologize for it. But you also need to confront him about his lies. Ask him WHY he lied about communicating with her, especially if he doesn't see her.

I also agree with everyone that you should call this wedding off, for now. You two need counseling before you make a huge mistake. Marriage will not "fix" your problems of trust, cheating and deception. My older sister always told me: never marry a man when you know there are problems, because they will DOUBLE after you marry him. Of course, I had to find out the hard way. I've been divorced 7 years. Let me tell you, it's ROUGH getting married to someone, only to find yourself divorced and BACK in the dating market in your 40's.

Be smart. You were smart (tricky) enough to find out the truth about him... now, shouldn't you use those smarts to keep from hurting yourself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 12:22pm
Actually, I don't think "your problem" is how to approach him about this. IMO your problem is why are you still in a relationship with a man who not only cheated on you in the past but is *still* lying to you now? You should be "surfing the world wide web" for therapists in your spare time. No harshness intended, I'm serious. You need to figure out why you'd settle for this loser for another day, let alone the rest of your life. If you think you deserve better than his behavior -- then move on. He's not going to change and that light should've dawned on you by now. Good luck.