Complicated Love
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| Wed, 03-31-2004 - 10:51am |
We both had been in five year relationships that ended abruptly only a few months before reuniting. He ended his one and a half year marriage. And my fiance ended our two year engagement. In my situation, my ex left two weeks before we were supposed to move in together saying that he had never intended to marry me and that he had never loved me, he said he was only using me for the entire time we were together. He later pleaded to come back saying that he had lied before and that he had really just had cold feet. I went back to my ex for a month and then left once and for all, because I was completely unable to trust anything he said. We remained in communication for two months as he continued to try to make a relationship with me work. When I reunited with my current boyfriend, I told my ex that I had met someone new and that there was no chance of reconciliation. And we haven't spoken since. Even before this relationship, other boyfriends had cheated on me repeatedly and I stayed as they convinced me of their fidelity. I have also been raped by a boyfriend and emotionally abused by a different boyfriend and my father. I have been in therapy for most of my teenage and adult life and am currently on Effexor.
In my boyfriend's situation, he told his wife he was very unhappy and had fallen out of love with her. Their relationship had become mutually verbally abusive. He asked for a divorce. They remained living together until she could arrange to move out but they ended up trying to reconcile. It did not work and she moved from their home in New Jersey back to Minnesota only 2 months before my relationship with him started. So currently they are separated and because of New Jersey laws they have to be separated for 18 months before they can file for divorce.
The problem is that he still talks to her, which is fine, but she has no idea that I exist. We have been together for 7 months and have been living together for a month. He says he loves me and wants to marry me one day, but he is afraid to tell her about us because he doesn't want to hurt her and she may contest the divorce. I am so afraid that every time they speak, she may be trying to get back together with him, the way my ex was trying to with me, because she doesn't know that he is no longer available.
To make matters worse he has another ex fiance, whom he broke up with 6 years ago. But he is still friends her. He says they are only platonic friends, but while he was separated from his wife months ago, he entertained going back to her and slept with her twice. She helped him get the job he has currently and she currently works with him. She also let him move into her house, rent free, for a few months after his separation so he could save money to move out on his own. He lived there during 5 months of our 7 month relationship. He also refused to tell her about me until he moved out of her place, he said they had an agreement to not "throw each other's relationshipsin each other's faces."
One day I found a long blonde hair wrapped around his penis. I am a brunette, both his ex-wife and ex-fiance are blondes, but they have shorter hair than the hair I found. He swears he never cheated on me. I honestly don't know. I have been cheated on before and am terrified it will happen
again.
All of this is making me such a jealous, suspicious, untrusting person. I don't know what in this whole situation is normal or acceptable in a committed relationship. I have told him that I do not want our relationship to be defined by the presence of his exes forever. I understand that he is going through a divorce and contact with her is normal, but they have no children so I don't think much contact after the divorce will be warranted. He says he is being polite to his ex-fiance and that she has helped him through a lot. I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I think if this all continues I will have to leave. It is driving me crazy. I want to trust that he won't go back to either of them. But I have so many trust issues because of my exes, my father and now him. Ironically, I cannot talk about anything about my previous relationships because he says he is jealous, although all of my relationships are actually in the past, not the present like his. I have become a jealous person now and I cry every time he speaks to both of them. I check his cell phone to see how often and how long they speak. And it drives me crazy that he wants to keep love notes and cards from his wife. I have looked through his stuff to find evidence of anything.I have found nothing. I have found that all of his phone calls to them are very brief. I feel bad about spying on him, but I don't want to get hurt again. He says he loves me and not either of them. He says that if he wanted to be with either of them he wouldn't have left them. He said he went back to his ex because he was lonely and also wanted to see if things could work out with her. But by going back to her for only a few weeks he realized why he had left her years ago and realized it was in fact over. He says it will take time to sort of "phase" them out of his life.He says he is sympathetic to his wife, he doesn't want to hurt her more than he already has. He says he feels guilty for breaking his promise to be married to her and take care of her forever and he says he still feels responsible for her. He says he will probaby feel responsible for her until she finds someone else. I think he should be honest with her and tell her about us so that she can know that it is time to move on. Am I over-reacting? Is all of this normal?

This isn't "complicated love". There is no love in your letter at all.
We're supposed to give advice, right?
Here's mine:
1. Get away from this guy, forever
2. Take 6 months off from dating anyone and find out what makes you happy other than relationships (hobbies, events, volunteering).
If this guy is your idea of an ideal mate, I think you are actively seeking out pain.
It's your choice if you want to take the chance of dating a separated man, but you always run the risk of him reconciling with her (she is still his wife), and you would be left in the cold. Or, he could go through with the divorce, but then he might feel like he wants time to be single for a while, leaving you in the cold, again.
I think you should move out and continue working on your emotional issues independently with your therapist, for now. There will be plenty time to live together, get married, etc., when you are both recovered and feeling sure of yourselves.