Another question from physical-now what
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| Wed, 03-31-2004 - 11:44pm |
Soooo, I took my profile down on Tues. He mentioned yesterday he might but noticed (using my girlfriends account to check) that he hadn't. I didn't talk with him about it...should have but thought if he's planning to take it down I'd just let him.
Today we did talk and had a really good conversation. He actually started it by saying he'd talked with someone online on the internet site today who was also at the stage we are in and was contemplating taking hers down (she contacted him just to chat). He could tell right away that my dander was up a bit by the mention of him still being on the site and I told him that didn't make me feel good. We just had a really honest and open discussion about our feeling for eachother and about how we were both hesitant to get hurt but on the same hand didn't want to not give us a chance. In the end, he decided on his own free will to take down his profile and seemed genuinely happy to do so.
So what's the problem you ask..well, I'm obsessing and need some guidance. I talked to him tonight on the phone for almost four hours. We can chat aimlessly about anything from our pasts to our hopes for future. We somehow skirted the topic of our profiles and I admitted to him that it did bother me when his profile was still up and I felt like he was thinking "I can date her, sleep with her..but I'll still look around just to make sure we are right for eachother before settling". I told him I was glad he took it down.
He admitted to me that he actually was thinking that this morning...not that he was using me, but that how would he know if we were "right" if he wasn't seeing others to compare. So he had thought he might keep it up and date some for another month or so before seeing if he wanted to settle with me..though keeping our physical relationship. Kinda like test driving several cars to know which one is right for you..this statement was mine, not his..lol. I immediately got a bit defensive but calmly asked what changed his mind and made him take his profile down..he told me it was because after talking with me this morning, he realized I really cared for him just as he is and he also cared for me. That it really did feel real and right..so he decided it was time.
Guess I'm just obsessing a bit over the fact that he was really thinking about dating around a bit. I know he decided to take it down and he is happy with his decision..but it still keeps cropping up in the back of my mind that he considered not doing this. Should I just let it go...and realize that his actions spoke louder than his words and that we are now as of today in an exclusive dating relationship?

If his heart isn't really in this exclusive agreement, there is a possibility that he will go (or sneak) back "out there." A person has to want to be true to you because he wants to be with you... not out of guilt or fear.
It usually does take people longer than a few dates and one night of sex to know whether someone is "right" for them. No matter how it came about, you have both agreed to have a one-on-one relationship... it might last and it might not. That's the chance we ALL take when we "give" ourselves to someone. There are never any guarantees.
What you can do now is agree that if either of you decides he/she wants to go back to dating, that you'll let the other know. But I hope, for your sake, that he was honest with you and he has sincerely decided that he will date and sleep with you exclusively.
Try to stop obsessing about it. You made a choice and it's not a do-or-die situation, after all. If you relax, have fun and continue being honest with each other you have a better chance of getting along and building a deeper bond.
Best of luck to you.
In all my serious relationships - long term ones - we became exclusive prior to having sex and the talk was initiated by the man within the first few months or earlier. One exception - last summer I dated someone I had been friends with first for over a year - he basically wanted to have sex right away - I wouldn't - and at the 6 week mark I said I would if we were exclusive - he said he still wanted the open door option to meet women for "coffee" (he was on an online site at the time but i never checked - didnt' see the point in "snooping" sincce I was not on the site and I told my girlfriend not to - I don;t like that insecure snooping feeling)
At first I said yes - but we decided to wait for a month before having sex so my pill could kick in - and two days Iater I changed my mind and told him no dice without exclusivity - he agreed - and we dated for about 4 more months when he broke it off because he wasn't in love with me. I was not devastated (although sad and disappointed - I thought I wanted to marry this man) as I had protected my heart sufficiently despite letting myself fall very hard for him (a tough balance but I did it)
Here is what I took away from the experience - for me, unless a man wants to be exclusive with me on his own initiative, and by the time we've been dating 2 months - not much longer than that - my bringing it up as a quid pro quo for sex (where he initiates that he wants sex from me) probably will not result in a happy long term relationship leading to marriage - I am sure there are many exceptions - I know of some - but I am just sharing in my experience that the men who proposed to me and were in love with me over a long term relationship (four men proposed, I had serious relationships with two others while still in my teens) brought up exclusivity early on, were either very willing or also wanted very much to wait to have sex, and told me they loved me within the first few months (other than one who waited 8 months but we had not had sex yet at that point).
I think you need to protect your heart - don't gab on the phone for hours - and see if in 3-4 months he is still as attentive and caring and respectful. If you feel tempted to snoop and see if he is on line - i.e cheating or soemthing close to it - that is a sign to me you don't trust him yet and if i didn't trust someone I wouldn't let them inside my body. Also I do not like that he shared his thought process with you - to me that is not about honesty it is about not giving enough thought to what you're saying that might unnecesarily hurt the other person - he did not have to tell you about talking to that other woman and especially not what he said - seems a little manipulative/selfish to me.
Take it sloooowwwwlly and protect your heart!
So, you two met on-line, met in person, there was an attraction to one another as individuals, you flirted, you each liked being found attractive by the other person and the feelings that inspired in you about yourself, you have things in common.....
By utilizing the dating service, some people are looking for dating - which is fun, sex, companionship with people that they find attractive and interesting...and some people are looking to "date to find a mate" - so they're not just looking to date alot of people and "shop around"...and some people are looking just for sex - and we won't go into those right here.
So without discussing exclusivity either in dating or in sexual activity - you two got together enough, and shared enough flirtation, and liked being found so desirable - that you two had sex. Meaning everybody was responsible for "not having sex if it meant more than just physical gratification"..and everybody was responsible for adhering to their own standards...not expecting other people to share them after the fact.
So he mentioned he was considering dating other people...and you "got your dander up"....now this is what he's thinking...becuase this is what I'm thinking, and I've been told without question "I think like a man".
You two had fun, sex, companionship, you're interesting and attractive and amusing - obviously, he thinks that. He didn't misrepresent that he wasn't going to date others, or sleep with others, or that he was "seeking an exclusive relationship".....he was thinking that you were "doing what you wanted to do" - not doing waht he wanted to do so that you'd get him to want you and you'd get what you want - which is a commitment of some sort.
So, the source of fun, sex, companionship got upset that he was mentioning he was going to date others. And we all know why you got upset...you thought "so, you don't think I'm the one but you slept with me".....no, it's that "the one" has never been discussed in terms of whether either of you are seeking a partner, and YOU SLEPT WITH HIM...becuase you "wanted some"...only now you want more than "some" - you want something.
He finally decided that because and this per your post "you care about him" he's willing to take down his profile, stopp dating others, and be exclusively dating you.
I do hope you understand in full what is going on...he's saying that because you're going to do the majority of the work, effort, and sacrifice in terms of "being what he wants because you care about him" - he's willing to be with you as long as it's convenient, easy, beneficial, low-obligation, and stress free.
In short, the ONLY thing you had better expect or want out of him his is "physical exclusivity" in terms of sex and dating...because he's doing this because "you care for him" and you want him enough to make it easy for him to be with you - and that is what he wants and cares about - an easy, no obligation, stress free relationship.
Women don't get it.......I swear, we do not get it. Guys can date exclusively sexually and dating for years the same woman and NEVER want a committed relationship. The like the benefits of the relationship, they find you attractive and fun, they do not personally prioritize, want nor will they accept the "obligations of commitment" and therefore no matter how much you given, expend, tolerate, sacrifice, or endure - you won't get that out of them.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com