Double dilemma

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Double dilemma
6
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 3:16pm
I am utterly confused at the moment. I am with my boyfriend of nine months who I love very much, but recently I have been having feelings for another boy. I am thinking about the other boy increasingly, but I'm almost certain any feelings would not be mutual - although we are friends. Feelings from my side meanwhile are somewhat irrational since we haven't always got along (I have known this other boy for about seven months). I'm not sure exactly what I feel for him, I don't think it's love though - yet sometimes I just want to kiss him. Right there and then, to know what it would be like and to know how it would make me feel.

I don't think I can keep these thoughts and feelings bottled up as a secret inside me much longer, but don't know who to tell. I can no way tell my boyfriend as that would probably break down all trust he has in me and I don't want to tell the other boy in case the feelings are not returned and anything we do have at the moment is broken down. I don't want to tell anyone else because I sometimes feel I am doing something wrong by "fancying" this other boy, even though I'm not cheating on my boyfriend. I have never cheated on anyone and I don't intend to now.

I really need some help from somewhere. Please ... if anyone has any advice, let me know?

Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 10:07am
Have you been having problems with your boyfriend? Were you thinking of leaving him before you met this other boy?

Only you know what you want but I wouldn't start anything up with the new guy until you've been separated from the old one for a bit--you don't want the new one to become the rebound guy. And remember sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side--is this a case of that?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 4:40am
As with all couples me and my boyfriend have our up times and our downs too, but we've had no major problems. Over the past couple of days though (since I made this post - which my boyfriend doesn't know about) he's walked out of my house after a 20min frosty silence and yesterday he told me he feels he is losing me.

I get the feeling if I left my boyfriend (which I'm not planning on doing) then I'd be taking a huge risk since I don't know how the other boy feels for me and, according to someone who's known him longer than me, he's a ladie's man and wouldn't be able to offer anything stable. If worst did come to worst however and me and my boyfriend split up - well, he woudn't so much be the rebound guy 'cause I've had feelings for him for a while now.

Thanks for your advice! Much appreciated!

:-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:21pm
just because you are in a monogomous, exclusive relationship doesn't mean that you will never again be attracted to another person! The deal is, what do you do about it?? I'm glad that cheating is not an option...but if I were your guy and I had read your post about how you felt about this guy, I would feel betrayed and very small. There is such a thing as an emotional affair, that isn't physical, but hurts your relationship and your partner just as much.

You sound young, not married, etc. so my advice is to drop your guy (gently) and take it up wtih the new guy. The point of being young and single is to meet many people and to find the one that makes you want to be exclusive. Settling into a relationship is disrespectful to yourself and your partner. Be brave and leave. Even if things don't work out with the other guy, it's ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 5:13am
It has been a while since my dilemma first occured. I am young, in fact I am 17 and I am definitely not married. I eventually told someone about my feelings for the other boy and then told the boy himself, who in turn told me that he had in fact fancied me for a couple of months but hadn't seen the point in telling me since I was already involded with someone. I have since split up with my boyfriend in a bid to find the happiness I craved and I am currently seeing the "other boy" but it's early days yet.

I am extremely glad I took the risk of telling him and splitting up with my boyfriend as several people have commented that I have been a great deal happier since splitting up with him and getting together with this new guy and I feel it too. I have suddenly seen a side of my ex-boyfriend that I had never seen before and it's not very pleasant! Unfortunately my ex doesn't wish to remain friends, even though I would prefer it if we did as we hang round with the same group of friends - but it's his loss.

Thanks to those of you who gave me advice on this matter!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 5:40am
you told a friend, then boy B that you liked him and THEN you broke up with your boy A? no wonder he's bitter. stepping into a new relationship, feeling someone out before you leave one isn't good for you either. some people don't like to be alone for a minute and they have someone lined up before they leave a relationship. a little solo flying is good to regroup, think about what went wrong and move on. maybe I read your post incorrectly. I'm glad that you took steps to move on though.

it's easy for the 'dumper' to want to be friends...they lost interest, but the 'dumpee' has a harder time because feelings are hard to switch off, it's hard to see the person you love move on so quickly (when in fact there's a gap between knowing it's over and telling your partner it's over). if you've been hanging around the boards, there are lots of posts of people trying to be friends after the fact and it's not easy going. I think it's kinder to make a clean break because most of the pain that comes from hanging around is from hoping that the relationship will come back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 2:00pm

Hello girl_withno_name!