Have I fallen for a seasoned player?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Have I fallen for a seasoned player?
16
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:48am
For months this customer of mine flirted with me. I never really encouraged it along as I had a boyfriend, so when I finally ended things with BF earlier this year, I decided to pursue him. I began helping him with his research as an excuse to get closer to him. He started coming around alot, coming in to see me for something work related, or just to say how nice I looked. Sometimes he left me little gifts. He even called on Valentines Day for something work related. I felt the interest was very apparent.

My friends said he would probably never ask me out because of the intimidation of the workplace, so I took the iniatitve and asked him over for dinner. It went really well. A few weeks later he asks me out to a fancy dinner, as a "thank you" for helping him so much on his thesis research. He made up this cute invitation by power point slide, picked me up at my house, open the car doors for me, seated me, the whole 9 yards.

A few days after our "big" date, we see eachother at his graduation ceremony. I congratulate him afterwards. He asks "what are you doing tonight?" and I stupidly respond "probably sleep". We talk for a little more and not wanting to hang around too long as his friends were with him, I say "I'll let you go." So he says he will call me before he takes off for vacation. In fact, he said it twice during our conversation. Now it's been over a week and no call. I assume he's left. I'm just really hurt.

Things were really taking off so I don't understand what went wrong. My friend says maybe he was never seriously interested and is just a player, because he's a well off, nice looking 40 year old Bachelor. But part of me thinks he is somewhat shy.

Thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:02am
there are numerous assumptions we can conclude as to why he hasnt called

but i dont think hes a player. his actions on your date could have been meerly those of a true gentlman. maybe give him a call and see whats going on

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 10:15am
I would not call. First he might be on vacation. Second it sounds like you really don't know him that well if you are asking the question is he a player or not. Stack the cards in your favor initially and see if he contacts you after a reasonable time after he should be back from vacation. If he does call, he's still interested. If not than he might be a player, but moreso, not very interested in you and that's not someone you need in your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 8:39am
Thanks. I was tempted to call, but I think that will only look me look too eager and insecure. Really, the only way I will know if he's interested is if he calls me when he gets back. I just have to let it go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 8:48am
He is not a player - you asked him out and that might not be the way he likes to do things (most men I know are flattered to be asked out but like to do the asking in the beginning and will if they are truly interested) and he acted like a complete gentleman in taking you out the second time and decided then or later that he just isn't that into you to go for a third date - how is that being a player?? Isn't someone allowed to treat you nicely and then decide that he had a nice time but there was no real spark or click for him? According to your definition, I am a player too because I very often will go out on a second date, have a nice time, be warm and friendly and decide that I am not that into the man, or meet someone else I am more interested in, and decline a third date. Sometimes if confronted "can I call you - do you want to see me again" - I will not say "no" but will try to show by my body language and tone a lack of enthusiasm - such as "um, sure, that sounds fine" or "sure, give me a call and we'll talk about it" - and sometimes i say "sure" and then decide later against it. Sometimes after a second date I do not return a call which in my book is perfectly acceptable that early on - after 4-5 dates I feel obligated to call back and explain that I am not interested in another date, if the man has been nice and respectful.

It's a free country - after only two dates he has no obligation to you nor did he promise to be your boyfriend, etc. - you took the chance and it didn't work out. Get over it and maybe think about whether it is effective to be the pursuer in the beginning the next time you meet someone you like. My guess is he is not shy - he planned a whole evening and spoke to you - he just is not that into you - that is life and it has happened to all of us including me. To call him a player and get all negative about men is counterproductive - why not just accept that not everyone is going to feel a spark for you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 10:33am
I see what your'e saying, but there's more background to it than that. Our first date was actually back in November. When he didn't ask me out in the weeks that passed, I assumed he was not interested. Then he comes back from the holidays and starts pursuing me...coming into my office atleast twice a week. Leaving me gifts, coming in to say how nice I looked. I just didn't get it. So, this hot and cold behavior has me thinking he must be seeing other women.

We have been friends for 7 months, you think by then he would have known if he was interested or not, and not lead me on with some romantic dinner date. Then say he will call, and doesn't. He did not have to say he's going to call, he could have ended things with "have a good night" or something vague like "see you later". I wasn't even fishing for us to get together.

If he comes around again, I'm going to go crazy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 10:51am
I think it is telling that he didn't ask you out in all that time - he wasn't pursuing as much as flirting and being friendly- to me pursuing is consistently asking you out on a regular basis - like, once a week or so. It sounds like the date was really a dinner to thank you - he might have been thinking he would feel a spark - and he didn't. Similarly, I stayed in casual touch with someone I dated and over a year after I ended things with him had dinner with him - I thought I felt a spark, he insisted on treating so I planned a second date with him on my treat - on that evening I decided I really didn't feel a spark, and we have not seen each other since. According to you I was a player and probably led him on - and I disagree - we had dinner twice - you had dinner with this guy twice and you are reading into his flirting - had he been asking you out consistently all that time and had you been dating regularly for several months then yes i think he would be leading you on if you discussed your goals in the relationship and if he agreed he was on the same page with you when he wasn't. None of that hapened here. Next time, since you seem to read so much into flirting, why not limit that kind of contact to men who ask you out on proper dates so you avoid getting emotionally attached from flirting short of asking you out - and avoid blaming the man for being a player.

Would it have been nice for him to follow through - of course - does it make him a player because he decided not to tell you he wasn't interested and let his silence do the work - no, definitely not in this case, IMHO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 12:26pm
Well, I still feel led on. He was flirting heavily with me on the date, taking my hand during dinner, complimenting me on how I looked and on my figure, sexual inuendos throughout the date. A more than friendly hug at the end of the date. I know when a guy is attracted to me and when he's not.

One of the reasons he never asked me out first was because I work on a military base and sexual harrasment is a huge issue. My co-workers told me he probably would never ask me out because of this issue. Maybe that's just an excuse, but I don't think he would have accepted my dates, and called me at the end of the first date telling me he had such a good time and give me his phone number. It's like he throws me bread crumbs but never gives me the slice of bread! :)

But enough excuses, I just have to let it go!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 1:00pm
I think your assumptions, interpretations and projections of how things went are creating unrealistic expectations on your part. Since your artificially high expectations are not being met, you are disappointed and upset.

** Sometimes he left me little gifts. **

- This does not mean he is interested in a relationship. These could be tokens of thanks for your efforts. I have sent flowers and chocolates to female customers as thank-you tokens.

** he asks me out to a fancy dinner, as a "thank you" for helping him so much on his thesis research.**

- This is not a date or a relationship driven date. He clearly stated the purpose of the dinner is a thank you dinner.

** picked me up at my house, open the car doors for me, seated me, the whole 9 yards. **

- So.... He was showing common gentleman courtesy. I do this a lot too - even with my female customers with the exception of picking them up at their homes, especially if there is a lot of gratitude on my behalf for their efforts.

Given that his priority focus over the past while has been completing his research & thesis this means that you were not a priority focus for him. He may be sensing that you see this interaction as a set of dates with an interest level & expectation level well beyond his. See what happens upon his return from vacation since he has had the time to unwind and relax from his thesis priority.

ps. I'm an over-40 male.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 4:54pm
You and I are different - I never - ever - have expectations after the first three dates or more that I will ever hear from the man again no matter what he does nor do I think he's a player if he doesn't call or that he is leading me on - until we are dating regularly for at least a month I have no expectations that he will ask me out again. I have been on many romantic first and second dates which were not followed up with a third and I just assumed he changed his mind - no biggie.Your way, you will end up deciding that all men are players and lead you on and a lack of trust like that is a huge obstacle to getting close to someone. Why not just accept that he wasn't into you and get over the little ego bruise that happens on a first or second date. you permitted all that flirting and hand holding etc - it takes two - and so you took the risk that he might change his mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 12:20pm
You responded to things that of course look like a business transaction. You left out the hand holding, sexual innuendos, and the intimate hug at the end of the date...I mentioned interestingly enough. Do you do that on your dates with customers?

Not to mention the phoning on Valentines Day evening and talking for over an hour, not about work.

Or coming back to a woman's office to say she looked really pretty that day and to say Hi. Nothing work related.

Sending me poems and making me a CD of poetry BEFORE I started helping him with his thesis.

Or the way he looks at me.

I agree this doesn't mean he wants a relationship, wholeheartedly, but it is more than friendly interaction.

I will wait and see when he gets back what will aspire, I guess I'm just so upset because I like him, and the minute I think it's over and he's not interested, he comes around again. That is what is so frustrating.

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