Do I need to get over it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Do I need to get over it?
5
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 1:03am
I have a problem with girls who give "The Test". Why do they do this?

Usually it involves a lot of drama and I have to stand up because I am disrespected. Now, I have the cajones to stand up to someone who is is disrespecting me, but the problem will be the relationship. For some reason, I can not go out with these girls again. Even if they say I am sorry.

For example, the cell phone goes off, and they say "I have to take this." Even if they say sorry after I say why did you do this, my sexual appetite for them goes way down. Another is if I have to talk them out canceling the date.

Basically, if it is rude and obnoxious at the early stages of dating, I RARELY see these girls again. And it is by my choice. They will call me, but I say I am not interested.

So do I need to get over it or is it their IMMATURITY?

Let me add, I can tolerate tests that DO NOT DISRESPECT me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 6:28am
I'm not clear on what the "tests" are. Do you mean they answer the cell phone while in bed with you? Or is it something else?

As for talking a person out of canceling--the minute you notice you're trying to convince someone of something, step back and stop yourself. There's no reason to talk someone into something...

 

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 6:37am
Well if their cell phone rings and they have to answer it, as long as they are brief and get off the phone, that doesnt seem too bad. I know if my work called while I was out with a guy, that is a call I would "have" to take. Now if they are chit chatting away for awhile...well then thats just bad manners. Having to talk someone into a date is never a good idea....just dont do it. I dont consider either of these scenarios "tests". To me, a test is "Im only going to pick up his call every third time he calls" or "I'll tell him I have plans tonight even though I dont" ...stuff like that. So...your scenarios sound like rude people and tests are immature.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 8:04am
It sounds like you view women just as objects for your sexual gratification - and you think that someone taking a call is a test. About two years ago I was talking to a man on the phone - we hadn't met yet - just interacted on line. during the call my call waiting went off - it was my friend Don, calling from the street on a cellphone. Don's father was dying of cancer and he said when I picked up "I just broke up with N" - his long term girlfriend (they are now happily married) - he was in a crisis - I told the new man that I had to go take that call and would call him back as soon as I was done with the other call - i explained it was important. Less than 30 minutes later I called him back - he was pissed because he said i did not say "goodbye" before hanging up and that it was rude of me to take the other call. I apologized for being abrupt and explained it was a close friend whose father was dying and who had just broken up with his GF. That didn't phase him - and in that 30 seconds I learned that he was so focused on believing that I hadn't acted with 100% manners that he could not stop to think about the circumstances. He saved me a lot of time wasted on meeting him. What a jerk.

Back to you - why not give the benefit of the doubt and assume that the woman who takes another call while she is with you is not testing you - she might lack manners (I do not like when people take non emergency calls when we are out together) and you can tell her that it bothers you when she does this, but to pout and say you don't want her anymore sexually is just silly, IMHO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 5:26pm
In matters of emergency. I agree. If I were in the same situation as you, I would have acted much different than he.

I am talking about a date that is planned. If she cancels to be with friends or has a prior social engangement, I do not like that because it cheapens me. Even if I talk her out of it, it is not the same. I ddi not mean the sexual reference to be that harsh.

Someone brought to my attention, it can be an attention grabber on her part. Looking back that makes sense. After I find out the real reason, I think the best way to handle it is to say I do not like it because I want to be with you. If she does not back down, I would have to talk to her only when she understands me from my point of view.

Before, I was not date smart. I did not realize passivity was bad in these circumstances. Boy, would they go for the kill. But that proves mind games do not work and can be misconstrued.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 5:28pm
Basically, on a date or in a social setting with friends. Something that is like what did you just do? Sometimes, it can go to far.