Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Confused
6
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 3:14am
I have a boyfriend of a year and a half and until recently i thought he was the one but recently at a family wedding i met a man 14yrs older than me and we hit it off and friends of mine noticed straight away and i was given the third degree but there advice was useless. We had a lot in common and he was the sweetest guy i had ever met when i danced in his arms it was like there was no one else in the room just us and the music i felt like the luckiest women live to be in his arms we flirted and i feel that it was not one sided when he had to leave for home i bawled for two days afterwards feering i would never hear from or see him again until a few days later when he called we spoke for half an hour and exchanged email addresses except his does not seem to work probably due to me not wrighting it down properly i also found out he will shortly be moving a short distance from my home town. My big dilema is i have such strong felings for the other man do i dump my boyfriend in hope something will happen with the other man or do i keep my boyfriend and try hard to ignore my other feelings i dont really want to upset my boyfriend either because he is a nice guy but really insicure and i know he would go to pieces if i dumped him but do i compramise my happiness because of that or risk my relationship for a chance with the other man PLEASE HELP ME I AM REALLY DESPERATELY CONFUSED AND BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING THE AGE DIFFERANCE IS NO PROBLEM ALLTHOUGH OTHERS MAY THINK DIFFERENT
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sunny_girl87
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 4:10am
You left out one very important piece of information - how old are you? A 14 year age difference is not too big a deal if you are mid-30s or older, but it can be a huge difference if you are 17. Frankly I think you are 17 given your screen name as the "87" likely indicates the year of your birth. That would make him 31. If this is true then you and he are at very different stages in life and I would be very concerned over the form and structure of a relationship between the two of you.

So are you 17?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
In reply to: sunny_girl87
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 3:51am
No i am eighteen at the moment nineteen in februry but i think this guy is amazing and what i felt i feel was not one sided its just my heart wants to persue him but my head says what about your boyfriend should i break it off i dont know thats why i wrote the message in the first place
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
In reply to: sunny_girl87
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 10:21am
I think that a 14 year age difference at age 18 is HUGE. Huge. You are at totally different places in your life, and I would question his motives if he does pursue you.

To answer your question, I think that if your feelings for your bf are so lukewarm that the only reason you are staying with him is that you are afraid that a breakup will be hard for him, I think that it is past time to leave. But not to date someone else, but b/c your bf isn't right for you. If your bf isn't right for you, why not take some time to be by yourself?

But please, don't discount the age difference with the guy you just met. When I was about your age, I briefly dated a guy who was 25 and there was a world of difference in our maturity levels and experiences, and I really think it's a good thing that we didn't last long.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
In reply to: sunny_girl87
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:17pm
I agree with the other poster....18 to 32 is a huge difference. In fact, it concerns me on his part. I'm a 32 year old woman and would never consider dating an 18 year old man..in fact, for me he would need to be at least 28 or so. I work with a lot of single businessmen here and just took a little poll around the office as most are 28-34 or so. Not one said they would date an 18 year old for anything other than a hookup. And most said that was even too young for a hookup!

It sends a big red flag up to me when a 32 year old man is interested in an 18 year old. I'm sure you are very nice..you may even be mature for your age. But the experiences in life that a 32 year old has are vast..some of them issues an 18 year old shouldn't even be thinking of yet..and I'm not talking sex. Most people this age have been to college, gotten their first real job, maybe been laid off, worried about paying household bills, have children (maybe age 10 or 12 by now), paying child support, trouble with exwives/husbands, bought houses, rented apartments, funding their retirement. These are all experiences age 32 could or has gone thru...most that an 18 year old can't relate to yet(and trust me, you don't want to yet hon). I'm concerned that he will play you and let me say..it's not easy for us 32 year old women who've had some or all the above experiences to figure out when we are being played....let alone someone who is 18. No offense but when a 32 year old man is interested in an 18 year old woman...he either wants a young peice of a&*...which I'm sure you don't want to be....or he has some MAJOR developmental issues of his own to deal with. The first will definetely hurt you in the end....the second, depending on what those issue are could destroy you. Evaluate your feelings for your boyfriend by themselves not in comparison to this guy. Either break it off with your BF or stay..depending on those feelings. But stay away from the 32 year old and create your own experiences and joys with someone a bit closer to your age.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: sunny_girl87
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 2:31pm
I'm with everyone else on this one. This guy is looking for nothing more than a hook up. His intentions are not good. Like the others have said, you two really don't have much in common. You are at two totally different stages in your life. Think of it like this: everything you're looking forward to in the next couple of years, i.e. being able to drink legally, going off to college, graduating, getting your first real job, etc., this guy did 10 YEARS AGO. Does that put it into perspective a little better? I dated a guy not too long ago that was 31 and I was 22. I always like older men, so I didn't see the big issue in it. But, he had child support to pay, his ex-wife was always in his life making him miserable, he discovered his son had a learning disability while we were together, etc. etc. So, it's not like it's a fun thing. He was a grown up and I didn't know anything about being married, having children or paying anyone child support and we were only 8 years apart. Do you get my drift? He just has things going on in his life that you can't even fathom. I think he's a perv who is trying to convince himself that he can still get a "young, hot piece of a$$." Sorry, hun. Men are pigs and that's just the way it is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
In reply to: sunny_girl87
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 10:06pm
This guy has been nothing but the sweetest guy you could ever imagine i spoke to my cousin who is his best friend my ,auntie, and cousin in law they all agree that he is a very sweet guy very genuine and kind of shy he would never be the kind of guy wanting a peace of ass and he has never been married or had kids he has a stble job and is highly intelligent i dont mind the age differance at all as long as he is genuine and himself and i have spoken to so many people who know him that agree with me on what i think about him there for i have been given no reason to believe that he has alterior motives.