dating labels?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
dating labels?
10
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 8:56am
hi all.

so, i just have a question for you all, just curious as to how you define or have defined your relationships in the past, in terms of "dating", "seeing each other", "girlfriend/boyfriend", etc.

I started dating this guy almost 3 months ago. It has been a slow development, we never discussed it but i think we both are happy to take things slowly and get to know each other. Anyway, last night we went for a drink with one of his friends. She looked at us and said, so are you guys dating? I looked at him and he responded to her saying, "yea, we're seeing each other." I suppose I agree and find this statement to be more true as we aren't usually "out" on dates, but spending lots of time together. But, I was wondering is that statement the equivalent of "dating", or is it more serious/less serious. what do you think? how have you all defined relationships in the early stages? and, does there need to be a talk to develop into "girlfriend" status?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: danisara
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 10:26am

Well, to ME, "seeing each other" is more serious than just "dating", but I bet if you asked a dozen different people, you'd get a dozen different answers!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: danisara
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 10:41am
sheri-

thank you for your response. i think you are correct in my case that "seeing each other" is more serious than just "dating", but it can be different for everyone. We haven't talked about exclusiveness or what we want from a relationship so I guess that's where the confusion lies a bit. We are spending nights at one anothers place, but no sex yet. i want to wait until i know him better and how where the relationship is going. he's a guy and i know would love to have sex with me, but hasn't questioned me about it at all yet. i know assuming is horrible, but i'm sure he isn't dating anyone else. i don't think he is the type to casually date, but at the same time i am leaving (moving 4 hours away) for grad school in 4-5 months from now. he knows this but i can't tell how he feels about it. it's such a new relationship i don't want t o say anything that freaks him out, but i can't tell if he sees me as having potential for his future...ie. continuing the relationship long distance when i move. how can i bring these issues up? or is it too early to be talking so serious?

thanks again and again

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: danisara
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 10:50am

I would have wanted to know upfront whether

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: danisara
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:29am
Dating is dating and hanging out, but it doesn't mean that you're his girlfriend...you're not his girlfriend until he formally asks you to be his girlfriend...many people get very, very hurt because they start to sleep with the guy and don't realize that he's sleeping with/seeing other women...they didn't stop to check, they just assumed things. You may think you're seeing him exclusively, but 'don't ask, don't tell' may be his MO. I'm just using masculine pronouns for your situation, but women do this, too, of course.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: danisara
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:40am
Every man that has been serious about me, except for one, brought up exclusivity within the first three months, usually earlier and told me he loved me around that time. I think it is fine to bring it up especially if, like me, you won't have sex outside of an exclusive relationship - I never assume exclusivity.

The exception was a guy who was 22, I was 23 and he raised the issue after about 6 months of dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: danisara
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:01pm
we are exclusive!

we just never had a specific talk about it. i don't feel the need to talk about that with him cause it is defined as such. he has refered to me as his girlfriend and himself as my boyfriend once or twice, but we haven't quite defined that yet. (i haven't refered to him this way yet.) i think he would like to have this definition but i don't quite feel that status yet...maybe in the next few weeks. we spent all weekend together so i think that time has helped.

from a female perspective i feel that once you define yourself as boyfriend/girlfriend the intent is to develop a LTR...keep progressing to a serious point until either it works or sometimes it doesn't. i guess most of the confusion is my moving away soon....but that is still a longer time away that the amount of time we've been together. so i'm playing it day by day and getting more comfortable with him and eventually i'm sure we'll talk about "us". lol. i know i will need to talk to him and find out what he wants ultimately, but i think it is still a little too early. i don't know what i want so i can't expect him to either.

thanks for all the wonderful responses. they are very helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: danisara
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:53pm
I guess I care more about my emotional and physical well being than you do - I would never assume and if I didn't feel comfortable having a specific conversation then I would not be having sex (if you are, and I am not sure of that still) - or investing that amount of time. You sound a little all over the place - on the one hand insisting that you are exclusive and on the other wondering where you stand and what he is thinking. Sounds like you don't want to have a specific conversation because you are concerned about the response- but let's say, worst case scenario - he is not exclusive with you and doesn't see long term potential - isn't it better to know that now, than risking STD's, pregnancy and heartbreak if you stick around for months more and get even more attached?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: danisara
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:49pm

NEVER ASSUME EXCLUSIVITY!


I can't emphasize that enough.


Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: danisara
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 4:43pm
It's so funny to read your post. It erminds me a lot of a situation I was in a couple of months ago. You think you might be exclusive, but you're not sure. It's hard to put yourself out there, but you've got to do it at some point. Relationships are commitments, much like contracts. Both parties have to know exactly WHAT they're agreeing to if they are to be held accountable for the commitment. After all, you can't expect someone to keep a promise they didn't make, right?

Remember that exclusivity is a decision not an assumption. You're setting yourself up for disappointment if you settle for an assumption.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: danisara
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 5:08pm
Unless you verbally discuss and agree upon exclusivity AND monogamy (not the same thing), you cannot be 100% certain that the other person wants it or has agreed to it. No matter what other "signs" you have that the other person is on the same page, you don't KNOW it until you TALK about it. Period.