contact ex??? Advice pls..anyone! Urgent

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
contact ex??? Advice pls..anyone! Urgent
4
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 3:19am
Hi..i pray tt someone would reply to this post..pls gimme some advice..

Me n my ex hv been in ‘no contact’ for almost a month now..3 weeks to be exact. Nex week I will be visiting his town (which is abt 3 hrs away). My dilemma or problem is simple actually..i dunno whether I shld contact him. Well u c..when we were together we had this group of mutual frens. We hung out with them as a couple. So now the thing is..i will be visiting his town..n I will be meeting all these mutual frens of ours. N I tink if I were to not contact him..n not ask him out too together with the rest..it’ll be v cruel n mean of me. before the ‘no contacts’ process, we had actually gone out together as frens, with and without the rest of the ‘mutual frens’. Before I asked for no contacts we were still quite close..but tt’s another story altogether. But now..since I’ve started ‘no contacts’..shld I contact him still?? My ‘mutual frens’ will wonder y my ex’s not with us..n if they ask me..i wont know wat 2 say. U’d probably say I can contact him since I hv no feelings for him anymore..(the last time we talked he asked for me to contact him when I get over everythin)..i hv already gotten over him..at least tt’s wat I tink..i dun miss him..i dun tink abt him often..i’ve stopped hoping for us to be together again..but I guess I would be jealous if he were to tell me he has found someone new now..so..im not really THAT over him yet huh..but from wat I felt 3 weeks ago..i really feel like I’ve taken a big step..in the right direction..n im proud of it. :P

I dun wana be mean..n I dun wan him to tink tt im mean. But sometimes I wonder after wat he did to me..i can justify myself being mean after all. But..i dun wana take revenge..my ex used to say I like taking revenge..n I know it’s bad..so I dun wana do tt anymore. Deep down inside I do still wana be frens with him. My fren said he would probably tink tt I’m still so in love with him if I were to contact him. Is she rite?? I dun wan my ex to snob n tink tt im still in love with him! No way.. but if I were to go out with our frens..n not ask him along..then I would be in the same league as ppl like him..mean cruel heartless beings. I guess he would be hurt too if I din ask him along. I know I would be. N if I were to not ask him..im afraid we will nva be frens again. The truth is I dun wana lose him as a fren n I kinda like being arnd him..even as frens..i enjoy his company.

The last time we went out together..after we broke up n before ‘no contacts’, he misled me..into thinking tt he still had feelings for me. he said he’s sorry he misled me..but didn’t sound very much so. I know he wont mislead me or do anything funny this time if we were to go out as frens again. But I dunno how to act if we were to go out with our other frens. Do I act normal? Act like nothing has happened n juz treat him like all the other male frens? Or try to stay away from him? (I guess this is possible since we’re going out in a group) or do I deliberately act like I dun really enjoy his company (compared to the other frens) so tt he wouldn’t tink tt I still hv feelings for him? But the thing is I cant really act hostile towards him if I were to be the one to contact him telling him im near his place in the first place rite? But this will confuse him..make him think..but I dun tink I mind confusing him a little. :P Any advice on whether I shld or shld not contact him??? N if I shld..how shld I behave??? If I shld not..wat shld I tell our frens if they were to ask??? Any advice or suggestions welcomed…pls help..pls reply to this post..anyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 6:16am
I think if you were over him that you wouldn't even need to ask... The fact that you're having such a dilema on whether or not to contact him tells me that you're not ready for the contact.

Taking time for yourself is not mean--it's taking care of yourself. Go to your hometown, have fun. If anyone asks why you're not contacting him just say you will when it's time. And leave it at that. You don't need to go into long-winded explanations as to what you're feeling and what's going on if you're not comfortable doing so.

Hope this helps...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 12:43pm
If you are planning to get together with your friends that are also friends of your ex boyfriend, I wouldn't think that you would have to invite him. If you and your friends are the ones who are making the plan, then you don't have to directly invite because one of your other friends could invite him. And if you can't be yourself around him, what's the point of you inviting him? I know you don't want to be mean to him, but your feelings are much more important than anyone else's feelings. If he thinks that you are over him and you invite him its because you want to see him and be with him. If your friend's asks you about your ex, don't give them any explains of anything, because it's none of their business. YOu don't owe them anything. The only person you owe it to it's yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 4:46am
Thank u so much for your replies..i really appreciate it..

everyone has been telling me to not contact him. so i guess it's for the best. i hope this determination of mine to not contact him will last..even when i'm finally there in his town. it's going to be hard. i really don't trust myself that i can pull it off. but i guess i'll try nonetheless. thanx again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 1:55pm

Hello lilrac!