i dont know what to do..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
i dont know what to do..
3
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 6:18pm
I was with this guy for a long time. it was the first real relationship i ever had, and we were really in love. he had been my best friend for years before, so we were unbelievably close. He knew me better than anyone. However, things got really messed up because he became best friends with my best friend, and although they say they are just friends, they both began ditching me for each other. He and I started to fight all the time, and our relationship just wasn’t working out, so we broke up. I was still in love with him for a long time after this, and although he still had feelings for me, he did not feel as strongly as I did. However, he and I still maintained a physical relationship as if we were still together. It was very hard for me because I wanted more out of our relationship, and he, obviously, was happy. I let this happen because I still had such strong feelings for him that I did not want to let go of him completely. This went on for months, until recently we had a very emotional conversation. We were both crying, and he apologized for using me the past couple of months. He told me that he felt as if he had let me down, and he was so sorry for everything. He said that he thought we should try being friends, and I agreed. But, the situation is very difficult for me. He has what he wants--a friend, but I'm still in love with him. I know that I should probably tell him we need time apart, so I can heal and move on. But I don’t want time apart. Being with him makes me so happy, and he knows me so well, that I don’t want to lose a friendship like that. Plus, I have to see him every day, and my friends are still very close with him. They are with him a lot, and I don’t want to lose my friendship with them, so I have to spend a lot of time with him, too. Maybe I should distance myself and take time to figure everything out, but I don’t want to spend time away from him, he makes me feel so complete. I’m scared that I will never meet a guy like him, one that understands me so well, and that is why I don’t want to let go. However, I don’t know if I can handle the sadness that I have to endure, just knowing that all we will ever be is friends. It feels like either way I lose. What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 8:26pm
mj89...

Take a deep breath and slowly let the air out.

You don't want to let this man go...even though he has indicated that the best the two of you will ever be is FRIENDS! It's unfortunate you felt the need to "get physical" with him so frequently because by doing the nasty...you only succeeded in increasing your emotional need for the guy!

And just turning an emotional need into a friendship...without space between you...IS IMPOSSIBLE!

There's no profile on you, but I'm guessing you're still in school? And at this particular point...the impact of your first real relationship is hitting you pretty hard, correct?

My only suggestion is to let him go...readjust your thinking about men...and perhaps not try so hard with the next man who is interested in you? If you think the only thing a man wants to do is take you to bed...you're probably going to be hurt several more times?

Why put yourself through the misery? Dating and relationships are supposed to be fun..and at this point in your life...you're trying to stick to a man who doesn't want to do either!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 8:29pm
the void and the pain will get stronger until you face up to the fact that it's over. he seems nice enough because he apologized about 'things', but if he was truly a friend in addition to being a X, he would cut ties altogether instead of stringing you along. If you can't take care of yourself, and you make yourself accessable, why not have sex with you and hang out with you? How strong do you think a guy is about these things?

You can drag this out for years or you can get it over with, work through the pain and loneliness and heal enough to start to date someone who actually wants to be with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 12:12am
let him go.

i say this from my own experience of dating someone for YEARS, him breaking up with me, and me trying to hang on with sex(and i completely agree with pianoguy & downbythebay's responses). change is absolutely frightening because you get comfortable when you're with someone for so long...

i told my ex i didn't want to see him again. it was really difficult, but i think i got over him a lot quicker. i also think that he finally started respecting me after i gave the ultimatum. for once in his life, he didn't get something he wanted.

there are so many great people out there. hard to believe, but they do exist even in the small town that i live in!

don't be scared. be strong.