What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
What do I do?
16
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 11:26pm
I've been dating a man since December. He's 32, I'm 28. We are both in an intensive graduate school program and started dating over our Christmas break when our studies had slowed down. Thr relationship progressed quickly and we were calling each other BF/GF by February. I sensed, though, that he was hesitant in the relationship at that time. In retrospect, I think he may have been really stressed about school and wanting to do better this Spring than last Fall....but nevertheless, the lack of reassurance made me insecure, and I told him as much, but we worked through it. Another thing that made me insecure was his monthly contact with his ex-girlfriend who he broke up with last April. I've never kept in touch with my exes and it was hard for me to understand why he did. The contact with her has lessened, but I still don't know what to think about that.

So...I was out of the country with school for 3 weeks in March and it seemed to really strengthen our relationship. I missed him a lot and we emailed constantly and spoke when we could. When I returned things were better than ever...but my insecurity resurfaced when my BF started focusing heavily on school and releasing his stress with partying. This made me worry he was less interested in me...or, worse yet, calling his ex to replace the emotionally intimate relationship he wasn't having with me. My insecurity led me to the worse thing I've ever done in a relationship...I snooped and read his email. It was a terrible thing, but it was even worse when I found emails he had written to 3-4 other women while I was out of the country. They were very flirty emails, calling them beautiful and reminiscing with one about their sexual history! I had no choice but to 'fess up about this and confront him. At first he denied he emailed flirty or sexual emails to his exes until I told him I had read the emails (cringe). He was super angry and just didn't know what to say at the moment of truth. I asked him to leave my apartment and he did saying he couldn't believe he'd "messed this one up", meaning our relationship. We took a week break from each other and then talked through things...deciding we both thought the relationship was worth trying to work through this.

So we continued along and things were bumpy at first and then got better...but, come May another whopper hit. It was during finals and he had called to say he was going home from a bar and was going to bed early (which he rarely does) and was going to get up early to study. I felt uncomfortable automatically, so I asked if I could stay over at his place and he said, "Sure, if you want to." I said maybe I would and called him 40 minutes later to let him know I was coming over. But, he didn't answer his cell or his home phone. I went over anyway (I have keys) and when I knocked he answered and I felt eerie. There was a girl at his apartment who I know has a crush on him. They were both fully dressed. He had his shirt tucked in and there was no delay in him answering the door, but I felt violated because she was there! She sort of rushed out and said she had just vomited in his toilet (she had been at the bar, too). My BF's story was that she had called right after he and I had gotten off the phone to say she was too drunk to drive and could she rest at his place for a little while. He said he knows it was poor judgement, but he let her come up and just layed in the bed next to her! (He was drunk, too, which he says made him pass out and not answer his cell or home phone). Like I said, there was no evidence of sex, but I was so distrustful or the situation that I broke up with him and walked out of his apartment. I wouldn't talk to him for 4 or 5 days, because I had finals to work on and I was SO pissed, but he sent me several emails and left voice messages saying he knows it was bad judgment to let her come over...that he didn't want to lose me, etc.

Now we're talking again. I'm leaving for the summer for graduate work in another state and he's been doing so many nice things for me, evidently to try to get me back. Part of me wants to let this relationship die because it's been such a struggle for awhile, but another part of me wants to renew the love I have for him. Would I be an idiot to go back to this relationship? He swears he didn't cheat...not even a kiss. But with the ex-girlfriend phone calls to the flirty emails in March to the girl in his apartment, I'm just worried the writing on the wall is telling me otherwise. We've talked about the issues of trust being violated and needing to be rebuilt. And how I just don't know if I can or am willing to do that, but he swears he'll show me how much I can trust him this summer. He assures me that his love is real, and that if he really thought "we" weren't worth it, he would just let it die as I'm going to be out of the state for the summer anyway. He's been divorced and I think he carries around a lot of baggage from that (he doesn't talk to the ex-wife at all)...I want to believe that he's for real, that he loves me...but do I jump into this and call him my BF automatically? Or do I say we're just being friends for the summer? I love him, but I don't want to be stupid about this. I'm so confused...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tatianacc
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 12:19am
This guy's MO is to do as he likes and leave out pertinent information because it will make him look bad...perhaps because he's not so innocent. Who knows. The point is that he's had his chance to show you who he is and how great he is...at six months you should be wildly in love with each other, things should be easy...all this stuff you're going through should be telling you to get out and forget this guy. When you were out of town and you were so hot for each other? Those were your hormones, not him. It's exciting to be filled for longing for someone you can't touch, but it doesn't mean things are great between you.

Your post seems to be filled with a lot of insecurities...and I don't know if it's because you're insecure or because he makes you feel insecure. If you are insecure about men in general, then you need to find someone who is sympathetic and willing to do the right thing by you. This isn't the guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: tatianacc
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 3:00am
Thanks for being so direct (no sarcasm, I need to hear it straight). I see what you're saying, but he recognizes that he's botched up things on several occasions. And he's said that it's because he's not fully happy with himself at this point in his life. He wants to focus more on his career plan, get in shape, etc. He's doing this for himself, not for me, per say...and that's the way I want it. My question is how do I handle the time he's taking to get his stuff together? Do I follow my heart and just love him the way I (and he) want? Do I try to trust again that he'll be the man he says he can be to me? Or do I cut ties for the summer and see if he's still around when I come back in August? If so, how often do we talk over the summer? Does he come up to visit me? Aaaargghh!!! This is so confusing!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
In reply to: tatianacc
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 9:41am
The ambiguous "just friends over the summer" deal wont work.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: tatianacc
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 12:42pm
I'm going to come at this from a different direction than downbythebay... maybe I just see it from a male point of view...

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: tatianacc
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 2:49pm
This is certainly a different perspective than anything I've heard so far. Thank you. I do have insecurity issues, but I think this relationship could be worth trying to work through them. He seems willing, but I'm worried I'll always wonder if he's losing interest in me while I'm gone...obviously, I have some issues to work on. I just need to figure out how to...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: tatianacc
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 3:28pm
Interestingly enough (think about this)... when someone thinks that someone else has done something, at times it is almost impossible to prove that they didn't do it. The mind becomes so convinced that the other did it and the mind even convinces itself why the other did it... even if, in reality, they didn't!!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tatianacc
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 10:10pm
TJ, I get what you're saying...that some people are flirtatious and it doesn't mean that they fool around. Flirting is healthy and fun...but flirting with your exes, bringing up sexual history? That's not innocent flirting...that's overstepping boundaries. I fail to see how this is being 'friendly'. I don't see how this is putting your relationship first. It sounds to me like he's acting like a single guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: tatianacc
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 10:28pm
I can agree with you too... I'm not necessarily saying that he used the best judgement in the world nor am I saying she didn't have a right to be angry... I was simply looking at it from another point of view and pointing out that what one deems flirtatious the other does not.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: tatianacc
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 1:50pm
Who is this "Carolyn?"

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: tatianacc
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 1:55pm
my XSO ...

tg










Happy
 

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