wish I had more strength

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
wish I had more strength
2
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 12:16pm
HI,

I have been dating a guy for about 5 months now, the problems are that a) I am very close to my family and he has no interest in his at all so he becomes kind of irritated by my relationship with mine. I said at some point I want to move closer to them, (I am 3000 miles away now) and he told me that if that was the case that he couldn't get serious with me...fine b) I think he is an alcoholic, he drinks (smokes pot) daily and does shots frequently at home even if he is alone c) he refuses to wear a condom so we are not having sex, not that he could anyway because he is usually drunk by bedtime d) I feel like he is manipulating me by playing the martyr because he says he feels so lost because he was adopted and he tells me that I feel like home. SO, for the good things...he is very generous, attentive, I know he adores me, and I know that he is faithful. We'd be together 24/7 if it were totally up to him. We do have a great time when we go out and have fun, but the mundane day to day stuff is hard to deal with when someone is always altered. The thing is I like to party too but I keep it in balance...so with all the wrongs why is it that I find it so hard to just say good bye? I KNOW he is not good for me, I KNOW he won't change, but for some reason I can't bring myself to end it...I need help...thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 12:52pm
Ok, let's change your perspective a little bit... It's not that you "can't" bring yourself to end it, you "won't." Realizing that distinction brings a lot of power into your world.

You have to take a look at why you won't end it. Usually we get something out of the things we stay in, hopefully it's a good thing but in cases that don't make sense it could be having a warm body there, filling a hole in ourselves, feeling unlovable... the list goes on and on and it's really a personal thing for you.


There is something about this relationship that holds you there. From the outside looking in, it sounds rather destructive. You're dealing with a guy who has a drug/alcohol problem, who does not hold you or himself high enough to protect both parties from potential STD's, who is irrational in his thinking about close family ties and who is not committed to working out his past issues. We all have a past, some rougher than others. But the key is how we deal with the events and situations that have transpired. If his issues are holding him back from having a successful relationship, then it is his responsibility to do something about that rather than using it as an excuse. You cannot help him if he doesn't want help.

Your relationship does not sound like one that has potential. His behavior does not come across as that of a person who cares about their partner. It comes across as a person who wants to control his partner.

You've already listed his good and bad qualities but it sounds to me as though the bad outweighs the good. When that happens, there's only one thing to do--walk.

And remember, you *can* do it. It's a matter of whether you will or you won't.

Hope this helps. Keep us posted.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 05-29-2004 - 2:38pm

Hello bluize!