Help me gain some perspective...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Help me gain some perspective...
13
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 1:07pm
I need some insight into dating. I've never been a big dater. If it comes up, I definitely do it but usually I am busy with work and school and such. In the past, I have been fortunate to date a few men, find one I truly liked and continue on to have a relationship with him.

It's been about 3 years now since my last relationship. I've dated and met many men that did want to start something more but my interest level hasn't been so great as to want that with them. I guess I'm getting a tad concerned as to whether or not I've become completely jaded. I would like to be in a committed relationship, would like to find a man I am compatible with but am afraid I've become too critical.

How do you know the difference between not meeting a person who would be compatible with you in a relationship as opposed to being too critical about the people you are meeting?

Any insights are welcome...

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 1:17pm
bklynchik...

Have you ever considered the possibility that you might like to DATE...but not enough to have a serious one-to-one relationship? The more any of us have been hurt...an invisible wall goes up when the man (or woman) you date wants more than you're willing to give.

Perhaps this is a defense mechanism to keep you from getting hurt again?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 1:19pm
Strange thing is, I'll date the guy(s) for 3 times or so and then just decide to let them go.

How do I break that not-so-invisible wall?


Edit:

Just to answer your question/idea. I do like to date but I much prefer being in a relationship. Dating is fun but it gets old quickly to me.


Edited 5/30/2004 1:21 pm ET ET by bklynchik

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 2:10pm
bklynchik...

If you "average" 3 dates and then break off the relationship (or to use your term: "let go")...you might be on 'automatic pilot' for all the men in your life?

Perhaps your expectations exceed those of the guys you've chosen to go out with?

Then again...maybe you just get BORED?

Rather than 'torpedo' a possible spouse after 3 or more dates---why not readjust your thinking a little? Don't look at any man as your life-long mate, partner or companion. Get to know and appreciate his strengths, understand his weaknesses, and learn from the experiences the two of you have together.

Pianoguy (who still senses that it's hard for you to be completely relaxed. Maybe it's because you've been hurt in the past?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 2:35pm
Definitely have been hurt my ivory-key-playing friend... :) The last relationship I was in really wound up hurting me. I was in love with that guy like no other in my life and he kept coming back, claiming to want to start things and we would try but it never worked out. That went on for a good amount of time.

I think you're right--I do size up these guys to see if they would be good partners rather than just enjoying them. I guess part of me feels like I don't want to waste my time. Plus I can't seem to find any guys who are older than me to date! Drives me bonkers. LOL. I have 26 year olds asking me out constantly. Where are the 30+ men hiding?

You're also right about the expectation thing... that's something I've been working on. I demand so much of myself that I somtimes forget that I can't impose that high level of expectation on others. So I've definitely been looking at the difference of things I want in a relationship as opposed to the things I expect.

So how do I get off automatic pilot?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 3:27pm
bklynchik..

You get off "automatic pilot" by pushing that button inside you that turns off the 'judgemental light!' When you're free of the restrictions...you can look at yourself and the gentlemen who would like to date you...in a more realistic perspective.

By the way...if it's just the "younger men" who are asking you out...perhaps you need to get involved in a few activities where "maturer men" participate?

Pianoguy (who prefers the word: MATURE...and hates the word: OLD)!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 8:09pm
bklynchik, you know well that it takes time to determine compatability. But, then again, that's the purpose of dating... to get to know each other to determine if you are compatible.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 8:25pm
Hmmmm maybe I'm just confused about what the foundation is that I'm looking for...

/me goes off to think...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 8:33pm
thinking? don't hurt yourself!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 8:52pm
:p to the being hurt while thinking. hehehe. Shmartie pants!

Do me a favor so I can make sure we're on the same page... what are the values you look for in a woman? And don't go saying that she can't like shoes or something! hehe

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 9:02pm
Well...... everyone is different and defines values differently as well...

 

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