Dating a man with kids...help!
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Dating a man with kids...help!
| Sun, 06-06-2004 - 12:59am |
I've been seeing this guy for about 2 1/2 months now...seeing a lot of him actually. Not exactly sure where things are going yet, but so far so good.
So what's the problem? He recently left a marriage, and they had 3 kids together. I've never dated anyone with kids before, so I'm just a little unsure how to proceed. He asked me to go out with him and two of the kids tomorrow and I do want to meet them...said yes...but now I'm feeling a little agony about it! We had discussed previously that I would not be meeting the kids for a long time, and not unless we were sure about this. So I guess that means he's feeling pretty sure, which is great, but I'm just feeling like I'm this is a big giant test that I didn't get a chance to study for! I'm really nervous about this.
Any advice for me???

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Get up your courage and meet the kids!
But don't talk about YOU...ask a lot of questions about THEM! They might share some personal stuff and they may not? But your willingness to learn about them will certainly make your B/F VERY HAPPY!!!
And the less you tell them about yourself...the less they'll be able to tell their Mom when she asks about "Dad's new girlfriend!"
Just ask yourself one question:
"Can I honestly be happy with a man who already has children?" Once you arrive at an answer, you'll either be willing to let the relationship GROW...or decide it's not for you? Best of luck either way...
Pianoguy
To answer a couple of the questions you asked, yes I do feel ready for it. I've given it a lot of thought and while this isn't what I was looking for, I honestly am ok with it. And he's pretty darn wonderful, so if he comes as a package deal, I'll take the package. He's been split from his ex just over a year, and legally separated for almost a year. They're not divorced yet, but that should be done by the end of the year. (Which is another thing that concerned me too.) However, ex-wife is engaged already, so extrememly minimal danger of reconciliation, I think. I definitely want kids one day. I was also in a long term relationship about a year ago and wanted to get pregnant desperately back then (thank goodness I didn't, as we also split up then). We've talked about whether he'd want kids "again" if things progress to that point for us and he does. I *think* I'm ready for this - it's just that this is foreign territory for me and I don't want to screw anything up. I just feel like this sprung up sooner than I'd expected and feel very nervous. I want them to like me, and I want him to be happy with how this goes. Still incredibly nervous...barely slept last night, and they're picking me up in 3 hours! Yikes...
I am looking forward to this - I just feel very nervous and insecure about the whole thing. It's new territory for me, and I'm just not sure how to behave. Think I'll settle for "nauseous".
I almost wish I knew more about divorces...I guess I've been lucky, my parents and all my close family members are still together and I've never been married. Never experienced it as a child, so not sure what to expect from their perspective.
I would keep your interaction with them at a minimum until his divorce is finalized. Regardless of what his ex is doing or did, the finalization of a divorce is a very emotional event and that could have repurcussions for your r'ship. It's for that reason that I've made it a rule of thumb not to date men whose divorces haven't been final for at least a year.
Sheri
They are 8 (boy), 6 (boy), and 2 (girl). Today I'll only be meeting the 2 littler ones - the 8 year old has lacrosse.
I will be the first girl they are meeting post-divorce. Hopefully the last, but I know what you mean. That's why I was planning on positioning myself as "just a friend". I know that he's given this a lot of thought, and asked the 6 year old how he feels about it too (the 2 year old is probably too little to care much). I made sure to ask if everyone was REALLY sure about this. And everyone (but me) seems to be excited and think we'll have a great time.
I'm definitely not trying to muscle in on any family stuff here, and in fact that's one of my biggest concerns. I don't want anyone to think that.
Well, this guy comes with a lot of baggage and you said he's RECENTLY out of the marriage (how long were they together?) and probably going through alot of confusion, fear of being alone, etc.
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