breakup after intense relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
breakup after intense relationship
8
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 8:59am
Hi there I need your help

will meet my ex the first time after our breakup a week ago (he will drop by my office but just to say hello because he has sth else to do in the building).

We had a very intense relationsship: lots of fights, lots of reunions, lots of emaotions of all kind, sometimes terribly close, even during our breakup - but then again terrible and hurting misunderstandings on the other side. Very intense. I did not always get along with this but I never thought of living without it because nobody could ever understand me the way he did.

When he broke up the first time (in February) he said that he still loved me but could not get along with all the fights and misunderstandings. I did not accept it and we got together again. Then he tried again to break up and this time he admitted that after the first breakup he had cheated on me twice and then I accepted that it was over. But I miss him so terribly!!!

I am 39 and I thought I would get to some point with that man, expecially after I had some relationships that were rather on the abusive side, with lots of affiars and lies etc. This guy seemed to be so different - in fact I am the first women he ever cheated on. I keep asking myself, am I the one who makes the guys run away from me?

I want this guy back and I would like to hear your opinion whether one week of not contacting him about the relationship (we had some email exchange because he warks as a freelance for my company - but I managed to keep the conversation to business things). Will he feel that it is too early to ask him for an evening out and tell him how I feel about wanting him back etc?

Thanks for any hint

Luna
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 9:19am
Hello ladyluna!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 9:32am
Hi tg,

thanks so much! Quite some stuff to digest... I truly hope that I will get to talk to him and open my heart to him and try not to talk in defense but with more understanding.

Hope it is not too late...

Thanks

Luna
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 9:36am
Luna,

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 10:08am
I see what you mean.... thanks for wishing me luck. I am so exited!

Hope I find the right words and hope he will listen.

Luna.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 10:13am
I learned something once... try talking in a low soft voice... it does two things... first, it is more pleasant than raising your voice (that tends to make the other person recoil and become defensive) and it forces them to listen to hear you...

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 10:32am
Dear tg,

the more you write the more guilty I feel... I think I chased him away already. Funny that you talk of me like of your children. I feel like a child, alone, scared, helpless, defensive, lost....

I (and we) did have a second chance after February - the first breakup - but I did not use it. I closed my eyes and hoped for better times. I must accept that he is away from the relationship much more than I am and that he is not going to come back. I feel it somehow. Yet I will try and talk. Tell him that I have a broader view of the story now and that I wish we could talk without fear. I wonder where he is (it is 4:30 pm in Germany he should have shown up already)

Thanks for the support! And thanks for telling me about yourself - if I lose him I must think of strong women who went their way all by themself. Thanks again. I will tell you how it ended (if he ever shows up here... maybe his appointment was canceled)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 10:36am
Please don't misunderstand... I wasn't comparing you to my children... it's just that is where I learned that particular method... I have used it since ... it works with adults too...

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 6:12am
Dear tg,

this DID surprise me!!!! A man understanding so well what goes on between the genders... and who cares! Are you single? *just kidding*

My "date" with the ex yesterday was a desaster. You probably knew it beforehand and I could have, as well.

Anyway, good that it happened and that he looked straight into my eyes and told me it was too late and he wanted to move on without me.

First step to closure...

Luna