He says my weight "bothers" him

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
He says my weight "bothers" him
8
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 12:18pm
I've been dating someone for a few months. We have had a very open and honest relationship. I have had problems with anorexia when I was 18 and 19 (I'm 32 now). This messed with my metabolism and my mind and he knows that! I'm now a size 16 but a very toned and healthy 16 and I've always felt good about it. In fact..women can never believe that I'm a 16 as they say I look like I'm smaller. My BF is very thin (jeans are 31 waist size).

Anyway, last night after making love my BF said "wow, if you'd lose weight and I quit smoking..our sex life would be even wilder". (we both agree though that our sex life is pretty darned good now!) I was stunned and asked him if my weight bothered him. He said that yes, it bothers him some..more in the beginning when we started dating but still does some because his exwife "ballooned up" when they were still married. I grew very quiet..I couldn't help it..then he tried to cover up by saying "even if you were 500 pounds I'd still love you because you have a good personality." Yeah, thanks bud..that helps.. :(

Sooo, now I'm feeling a bit self conscious. I've never felt self conscious around him..always felt like he loved my and my body. I've always been very "physically liberated" around him..lol This morning though..I changed in the bathroom..usually after my shower I just walk in the bedroom and get dressed with him in there. I just couldn't go in there in front of him in the light and have him see me if he feels I'm less than attractive now. So now I'm wondering if I should cut way back on my eating and try to lose weight..scares me a bit because when I do this..I tend to revert back to the anorexia and throwing up thing. And I guess I'm angry with him because I can't believe he said that. He knows that I've had past problems with my weight and it's very touchy. All of the sudden, I've went from self confident about my body to hiding it from him and I'm questioning if I should continue in this relationship but it's been so good up to this point. Any words of advice?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 12:31pm
I think you're with the wrong guy. Someone who is right for you would accept you *as you are*. PLEASE don't let him mess with your hard-won stability over your eating issues! Let him go and find someone who is right for you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 12:51pm
Honestly have you been this size the entire time you've dated him? If so. He's the one wiht the problem NOT you and given the fact you were plagued with anorexia when you were younger he should really watch what he says. If you were a size 8 when you met him and now are a size 16 I can see somewhat of an issue, but if you have been the same size from the moment he started dating you then he's got the problem and I would hazard a guess that someone ELSE said something about your weight recently and now he's self conscious about it, if it bothered him he would have NEVER asked you out.

Seems odd and I'd be really hurt as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 1:04pm
He could be superficial about weight. I'm superficial about height. I think we're all superficial to some extent, but to have someone actually know your baggage and 'go there'...is this what you really want from a partner, one that puts you down and makes you feel bad??

You're already feeling bad about changing in front of him...put yourself in the future. Pregnant...post partum, most women look seven months pregnant for a long time after they've given birth. And when you're 40...things start to go...SOME women look better in their 40s than they ever did in their teens, not it's not the norm.

He's burdening you with his issue. You actually felt good about yourself and your sexuality before you met him. Ditch him before he creates more havoc. This isn't worth working out IMHO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 2:22pm
As someone who has battled anorexia (and has many medical complications bc of it) I understand how you must feel. Do not let this one off comment affect you so much...you were comfortable with your body and you should still be. You said that your bf has been attracted to you and your sex life is good - so - could it be that he DOES love you the way you are but is worried about the future? Maybe he is basing his opinion on past experience (you possibly ballooning up like his wife). We all have issues we are trying to overcome, obviously this is one your bf has. Why not help him over come it by working on it?

I think its better that he was honest with you when you asked...then to pretend everything is OK and have underlying issues complicating your r/ship.

But if there are other comments or instances (I had a guy changing my scale and asking me at dinner if I was full) then it might be a bigger issue.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 2:37pm
Someone asked if I was this size the entire time we've been together. The answer is yes I have..in fact, I've lost five pounds from having my tonsils out.

I could try to lose more..but frankly, have found if I lose more than 10 pounds or so I feel sick..it stems from the metablism issues from my anorexia days..plus, I don't want the chance of "reverting" back to that mentality which is a risk of ex-anorexia people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 4:13pm
That was me!

Than I'd find out why ALL of a sudden he's got a problem with your weight. It didn't bother him when you first started dating so why the sudden change. If you are happy with your body, do not go changing to please him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 6:47pm
He made a comment on your weight and his smoking issue. Both of them probably in his eyes "issues" in the realtionship. You did flat out ask him his opinion--should he lie to you? He was honest--that's great, and if your sex life is great--then what's the worry? Apparently you turn him on--so just chalk it up to a mistated comment that he probably made off the cuff and was not fully thinking of it's effect. Sounds like you have a pretty good relationship to me. Of course if the comments continue or his behavior changes then dish him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 1:39pm
You need to be OK with how you look...and it sounds like you are.
Lilypie Baby Days