What does he really want?
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What does he really want?
| Thu, 06-10-2004 - 8:44pm |
Hi,
I was seeing a guy who had recently broken up with his girlfriend. He had no problem seeing me on weeknights but whenever I asked why never weekends he would give me all these excuses until I got fed up and told him no more. He finally told me he didn't want a girlfriend right now but wanted to see me anyway. He said he wasn't going out with anyone but me but because he just got out of a relationship he didn't want another right now. He mentioned he wanted time with his guy friends on the weekends but he wanted to see me weeknights for now. I was hurt but I didn't say anything and he did it again (I knew he would, I was warned) that very next weekend. Anyhow, he called as usual that Monday (from work) to ask to come over on Wednesday (as always) and I very reluctantly said okay but the very moment we hung up I called his home answering machine and said I changed my mind and didn't want to see him and in fact not at all anymore...yes, I'm a coward. Anyhow, he called that very night to tell me how hurt he was with me and can we still be friends then because he wants to keep talking because 'we don't know what the future holds' ???? I said okay, friends but no more. Well, now he calls me every day and if my line is busy asks who, what, where, when how... to which I ignore. (it's just my girlfriends but it's none of his business) Today he called again in the morning to tell me that he is going to his parents home in another State and wants me to watch his dog. I asked why and he said because he only trusts me with his house key and knows I would be good to his dog. It seems I hear from him now more than I ever did when we were kinda, sorta dating... I'm not sure what he's looking for here? Is he just confirming that friends it is and that is why I can continue to watch his dog when he goes out of town? Any help here would be greatly appreciated.
I was seeing a guy who had recently broken up with his girlfriend. He had no problem seeing me on weeknights but whenever I asked why never weekends he would give me all these excuses until I got fed up and told him no more. He finally told me he didn't want a girlfriend right now but wanted to see me anyway. He said he wasn't going out with anyone but me but because he just got out of a relationship he didn't want another right now. He mentioned he wanted time with his guy friends on the weekends but he wanted to see me weeknights for now. I was hurt but I didn't say anything and he did it again (I knew he would, I was warned) that very next weekend. Anyhow, he called as usual that Monday (from work) to ask to come over on Wednesday (as always) and I very reluctantly said okay but the very moment we hung up I called his home answering machine and said I changed my mind and didn't want to see him and in fact not at all anymore...yes, I'm a coward. Anyhow, he called that very night to tell me how hurt he was with me and can we still be friends then because he wants to keep talking because 'we don't know what the future holds' ???? I said okay, friends but no more. Well, now he calls me every day and if my line is busy asks who, what, where, when how... to which I ignore. (it's just my girlfriends but it's none of his business) Today he called again in the morning to tell me that he is going to his parents home in another State and wants me to watch his dog. I asked why and he said because he only trusts me with his house key and knows I would be good to his dog. It seems I hear from him now more than I ever did when we were kinda, sorta dating... I'm not sure what he's looking for here? Is he just confirming that friends it is and that is why I can continue to watch his dog when he goes out of town? Any help here would be greatly appreciated.

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Thanks for letting me know. I do care for him but I am not going to roll over and accept seeing him weeknights only. As far as the response from bawitdabas, if s/he felt that all he wanted was sex, that is fine but I had a problem with the comment 'getting laid'. Maybe I'm a bit sensitive but I was asking for advise because I have no one to ask and of course he's not going to tell me what is going through his head and I was given that.
when a guy doesn't want to "date" you or get involved but he still wants to see you (at his convenience) it usually means he wants to get laid, to put it succinctly.
i could have said, "it means he wants to make sweet love to you by the light of a million vanilla candles with the hope being that you become his true soul-mate and discuss your deepest feelings" - but the point is the same.
it's not an insult to you... you asked what he really wants. you said he told you he's not interested in getting involved, that he just broke up with his girlfriend, and that he calls you at the last minute to see if you want to "hang out" with him... alone... at his place... when he feels like it.
so... since you aren't agreeing to hang out, he probably figures it would be nice for you to do him a favor and look after his dog. (he doesn't have any friends who could do this?)
do you see what i'm saying?
guys who tell you they just broke up with their girlfriends and don't want to jump into another relationship aren't above just having sex with someone.
and no, he'd never tell you that.
-- listen to him and pay attention to him
-- care about him
-- stroke his ego because she's paying attention to him
-- take away his loneliness when he needs or wants it taken away
-- give him a pleasant diversion when he's away from his buddies
-- be available to see him on HIS terms only, ie, when HE wants to see her
-- not make any demands on his time
-- not expect him to "date" her
-- not expect him to have any type of "relationship" with her that is predicated on the concept of Give And Take
-- do him favors, like take care of his dog, and any other type of favor he thinks a "friend" should do
-- think of him as a friend, and treat him like a friend, without having ANY of the responsibility of actually being HER friend
-- put up with his crap, which is defined as a one-sided relationship all on HIS terms, without complaining
Hon... you're being USED. Does he want to eventually get laid? Who knows - he might, and the other poster had a valid point. But at this point, all this guy wants from you is for you to take care of him by being there for him -- as a "friend", which in this case, we could define as PATSY who will give and give and get nothing back.
I strongly suggest you End -- immediately and completely -- all contact with this so-called "friend". Do not talk about it, explain your reasons, justify your actions or -- most importantly -- make ANY apology whatsoever. Just say you are no longer available to talk to him, email him, see him, bla bla bla. Then DON'T BE AVAILABLE, PERIOD.
Then... read up on the meaning of "self respect", reflect on how important it is, and vow to never let yourself be used like this again. Good luck.
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