Denial of infidelity (online)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Denial of infidelity (online)
3
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 1:35am
Hi everyone, some feedback would be great. I have been with someone for a year and we have been making plans to live together, we are both divorced. In our first 6 weeks together he caught up with an old flame and they had a brief affair - she's married. He broke it off and devoted all his attention to me although she has contacted on a few occasions over the year. He has been on an online dating service since before I met him, and each time I told him that it made me uncomfortable and I thought it was totally wrong if he has a partner. He said he was only having a look at some male friends who had profiles there too and having a laugh at them. In the past few weeks he has been going in more and more frequently and even set up a new profile. Then I could handle it no more and told him that I couldnt see him again until he got rid of the now two profiles he had in there. He denied his new profile and accused me of being deluded, until I sent him proof when a friend sent me email with picture and phone number that he had sent her!! He then vented his anger on me and said that he'd done it because one of my work colleagues is an ex, and that I should have left work a long time ago. We had discussed my work situation a few times and he had told me not to quit, just to find something else (thats when I asked him what he would like me to do). I tried, and am still trying,and I didnt find another job, I still have a child to support and bills to pay so I have always been afraid to quit work and to loose my entitlements. I resigned after I made my ultimatum about his online dating profiles (which he denied doing), as a sign that I was willing to give up something for the relationship and because working with my ex also annoyed me. My BFriend is still angry and still denies his affair with a long ago ex, which I know happened without a shaddow of a doubt, and I'm very very hurt that he blames me for his looking for another serious relationship online because of his insecurites about my work situation. I asked him if we did live together, if he would change his telephone numbers so that the still infatuated ex who is offering him everything could not contact him, and he was really angry. He has since removed his profiles (last weekend) and said that he only wants me, but has not called for three days now since I asked him if he will change his numbers eventually. This has been going on for a week now, and he was sprung on our first anniversary of an intense relationship where we were talking about marriage and kids. What does everyone think I should do now, and can I trust him from now on? Why is he angry with me and why did he deny everything until I sent him proof?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 10:34am
Well tooblonde, if you have proof that he's being a liar and he's gotten it from you and he still denies it, what do you want to do? Keep the blindfold on trying to beleive his lies and let him manipulate you with his fits? Keep dating a man who vents "his anger" on you and blames you for things he knows he's done? You may love him and all but what future does your life hold with a man who is a liar, and who lies to your face? It's time to decide for your child and you, don't even think in a grown man who doesn't take reponsability for his own actions. Can you imagine this man as a husband? yucks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 12:46pm
I dated a very similar guy. You have to get out of this now, or you'll just get crushed. My ex would put up personal ads with pictures I'd taken. I'd met him on a dating site and was still getting email from them (match.com) and one day, an email of my new matches contained my boyfriend! I cried, I pleaded, I trusted and forgave. Later I found out that during our year and a half together, he'd slept with at least 5 other women. Very scary when I was assuming we were monogamous and we weren't using condoms.

My advice is to just get out of it. If they can lie to your face and blame you for their weakness, you can't win. I was blamed for all of his behavior (reminded him too much of his father, didn't come home from work early enough, didn't try to keep him off the computer, did this or that wrong so he had to cheat). I found out about his cheating a few months after 911. My sister asked me if he blamed me for the World Trade Center destruction, too. Like I said, you can't win.

I'm much happier now. It's taken me some time to trust again, but I've had a few nice relationships since and am much stronger. I'm sure my ex is still sliming all over the internet, trolling for women, and that he probably has a steady gf at the same time. I'm glad I'm no longer her.

Take care. I know it's hard, but you do eventually look back on the whole situation and realize it's so extreme, it couldn't have much to do with you.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 1:29pm
I agree! I wasn't with my ex for quite so long as you, but we had agreed to be monogamous and exclusive, and specifically discussed taking our ads down (we also met online). We were talking about marriage, yet he still had ads up on singles sites. I gave him three chances to stop, which was two too many.

To the OP: I strongly recommend reading "When Your Lover is a Liar" by Susan Forward. It greatly helped me understand a liar's mindset and move on.

Sheri