Any Advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Any Advice?
7
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 11:37pm
Hi everybody,

I've been reading everybody's posts for a while now, but I just signed up and I would appreciate any advice.

I met this guy about six months ago, and we really clicked. We dated for a while and then very abruptly, he said that he just wanted to be friends. At first, I thought that there might be someone else, but that wasn't the case. Since then, we have continued to spend a lot of time together, as much time as we did when we were dating. He's a good guy, and I have fun with him.

This was, by far, the best relationship I have ever been in. He didn't try to change me. He accepted (and continues to accept) me just the way I am. I'm 28 years old, and he's five years older than me. I really think that the problem is that he's afraid of committment. When we were dating, he told me that he's never been in love.

The problem is that I want more than a friendship, and it's becoming difficult for me to hang out with him knowing that he doesn't want a relationship. I feel like I can't get over him if we're spending every weekend together. On the other hand, if we go our separate ways, I'm going to miss him. I feel like I'm in a no win situation. Should we continue hanging out or should we sever all ties?

Thanks for any advice you may be able to provide!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
In reply to: catherine2005
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 3:03pm
He told you that at 33 (I am guessing his age) he has never been in love? Is that a joke or something--I mean come on! Of course he's been in love before. Sounds to me like a guy in his 30's that just wants to hang out with you is immature to say the least. Run--run far away and fast.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: catherine2005
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 4:05pm
Here's something about guys you may not realize. For many men to truely fall in love requires us to open and expose our vulnerabilities. When we do this we are handing you complete trust that you will protect these vulnerabilities as you would your own and that you will not hold them against us at a later date. Aside from rejection this is often a man's biggest fear.

He may be immature but there is also the possibility that he fears rejection & vulnerability and as such has built a protective wall around himself. Just as most women have the innate need for validation and security in a relationship, many men need safety with his fears and vulnerabilities.

One example is - if a woman is chatty about her friend's issues, fears, worries and upsets then a man may interpret this as her inability to guard his vulnerabilities. What a man has to learn is personal acceptance and responsibility with the knowledge that if his vulnerabilities are turned against him - he can walk away with honor and dignity.

Just something to think about before jumping to conclusions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: catherine2005
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 6:37pm
I guess I need to elaborate on the "never been in love" thing. He and I distinguish between love and lust and caring for someone. By our definition of love, I've only been in love once. When he told me that he had never been in love, I didn't see it as a sign of immaturity; I saw it as him being very honest. It's got to be weird for a guy in his 30's to say, "I've never been in love."

I think that he won't let himself fall in love because of being vulnerable. I also think that he got scared when we were together because he realized that he had strong feelings for me. He also told me that I was very different than any woman he had ever dated. I'm not the super model type and I am educated, and I think that this was a change for him. :)

Thanks for your input!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
In reply to: catherine2005
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 1:50pm
Can you continue on a "just friends" basis knowing it may never be more?

Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: catherine2005
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 11:33pm
I don't know if I can be "just friends". On one hand, I know how I feel about him, and it makes me sad that we're not more. On the other hand, I have fun with him and he's a good friend. These days, he's more like my best friend. If I tell him how I feel and he doesn't feel the same way, I could ruin a wonderful friendship.

I've tried meeting other guys, but I compare all of them to him, and they don't stack up. We're really good for each other, and we talked about that tonight.

I was out of town for about a week and a half. After I was gone for four days, he told me that he really missed me. He said something like, "I thought that you needed me, but I realize that I need you. I'm lonely without you." We spent the day together today, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about other feelings, and we didn't talk about the conversation we had when I was away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
In reply to: catherine2005
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:47pm
When I read your post, I thought for a moment that I wrote it myself! I am in almost the exact same situation right now and I dont know what to do either. It is so confusing because he says great things to me and I feel that he wants me when we're together. We've gotten so damn close, it would be so hard to let him go now. I posted a brief version of my situation titled "How long do i wait?" so you should read it and let me know what you think. I am happy to see that I'm not the only one in this type of frustrating, upsetting situation. I dont know if you feel the same, but I think I'm in love with this guy now and this is going to be a big problem for me if he ends up meeting someone else. HELP!!!

Good luck with yours. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: catherine2005
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 12:55pm
Hello catherine!