Am I too Old Fashioned?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Am I too Old Fashioned?
4
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 3:48pm
I am a 33 yr old virgin. I had been dating this guy for 2 months and we hit it off in every way except that we never had intercourse, just oral sex. Every time we tried I tensed up. Well he kept pressuring me to make love to him and said once we did he would give me the world. Take me places and buy me anything I want. Well we went away with a bunch of his friends and their families over the weekend and we both thought everything would change. Well I was feeling left out cause I just met these friends and was also feeling ignored. Our last night away we were alone and he kept being very rude to me and the next day he was very mad and said that he was done with the relationship because we didn't have sex. Now i let him know that I had planned on making love to him but wasn't feeling like he wanted to be with me. He treated me wonderful at home but we never went out or visited with his friends. He should have been more affectionate to me around his friends last weekend. He said that once we made love he would be. Can someone please try to explain how I can get it through to him that that is not what a relationship is based upon, sex. Also am I wrong in feeling this way. I feel the only way he would have treated me the way I wanted was if I slept with hime. Somebody please help me figure this all out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 5:02pm
Are you 13 or 33? RUN FROM THIS CREEP! You know that a healthy relationship is based on common interests not just sex. For him to say things like, "if you give me sex, I'll change" is not only immature it's manipulative. I think this guy is just trying to win the conquest and once he did he would walk away. Don't give him the satisfaction. You are an adult, you have a right to say no, and you have a right to protect your body. Any guy who's going to try to pressure you is not a decent guy.

Walk away and find the guy who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 5:05pm
"I feel the only way he would have treated me the way I wanted was if I slept with him." Well maybe, but only if you want to be treated like a prostitute. But, it's more likely that he would treat you exactly the same, because that's who he is. A decent guy who cares for a woman treats her well, regardless of whether or not she has sex with him. A decent guy would never dream of withholding affection in order to pressure or manipulate you into having sex with him. And he'd never use it as a bargaining chip for sex. Offering to buy you things is the same as offering a woman money for her sexual favors, in other words a business transaction between a prostitute and client. You will never get through to him on what constitutes a good relationship, because that's not what he wants from you. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you'll kick him to the curb. Please get some standards for the men you date. You are scraping the bottom of the barrel here, and you can't possibly be desperate enough to let anyone disrespect you to this extreme.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 11:12pm
I did not think there were guys like this anymore.

You body tensed up when you tried to have sex

no wonder - it was a reaction that this guy is a jerk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 10:02am
I agree here with alison. I was married for 5 years to the man who was my "first" of many things - including sex. When things got difficult (when he cheated on me) - I was betrayed emotionally. I stopped having sex with him "all the time." He was the master manipulator...the emotional abuse I went through was staggering and it will take me a long time to get over that.

My point is...my ex-husband used to say the same things to me. Run...don't walk! Get away from him!

Now...I want to say something else that, I hope, does not diminish what I said above. Men and women are wired differently. Men often feel that to connect emotionally it has to be physical. I believe that on some level - not to the extent of this jerk you've described, mind you. I'm advocating that you run out and give up your virginity - that has to be a decision you make. What I am saying, though, is sometimes you have to look at men from a man's perspective - not a woman's.