BF STILL IN LOVE W/ EX

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
BF STILL IN LOVE W/ EX
7
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 8:50am
I met this great guy last year through some friends. We dated a few times. I ran into him 4 mths ago and we started seeing each other again. We have a good relationship and get along great. I have met his friends and family. We spend 5-6 nights a week together. He tells me and my friends how much he enjoys me being there...looks forward to coming home from work...doesn't want me to stay at my house...etc. I asked him a month after we were seeing each other what was the difference from last year and now...why did he want to keep seeing me? He said last year he wasn't over his ex-girlfriend (whom he hasn't seen or talked to in 2 years, so he says) and wasn't ready for a relationship but he is over her now and now he is ready for a relationship. Also their relationship was dysfunctional...his kids and friends and he has even said how mean she was to people...jealous and controlling...he told me he didn't know what he was coming home to each day she was always a different person, but he loved her. During the last month his ex's girls have started coming by. I noticed he treated me differently when they were around...calling me by my name instead of honey, baby...just little things. I went on vacation and when I came back things were different. I started staying at my house all the time. He finally told me that he is still in love with his ex and when the girls started coming around it brought back old feelings. He says they will never get back together and he still wants to see me, he misses me...and says when I asked him about being over her he shouldn't have said he was. He is a great guy...one of the nicest men I have ever met. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks...we have talked a few times...he says he wants to give me time to think about all this and understands if I don't want to see him. I don't want to hope for something that may never happen, and then I think am I going to be second best?? I am confused and torn apart by this. I am 46 and he is 49 so it is not like we are young and inexperienced. How long does it take someone to get over a past love??
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 12:27pm
Some people never get over past loves and I think that he is has his mind made up about what he wants. How can you give your heart to someone when it is still with someone else? You can't! If you want to be with this man tell him that he will have to choose. You shouldn't have to compete. It's not fair to either of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 5:17pm

I don't know how you can remain intimately involved with this man, knowing that he is still in love with his ex.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 3:14pm
Jilly...I totally agree with everything you said. I won't be intimately involved with him as long as he is still in love with her. It is too emotionally draining right now without the intamacy involved. We have not seen each other since he told me.(going on 3 weeks)When he told me he was still in love with her...I told him that if he still loved her he didn't have room in his life for me. He says he still wants to see me and understands it if I don't want to see him anymore...he said he is not there with me yet(in the relationship)and he said I'm not saying that I can't go there. He told me he misses me and it hurt that I wasn't there anymore. I have already scolded him and he apologized for lying to himself and me. He said until the girls started coming around he really thought he was over their mother. I am emotionally attached and I do want a serious relationship, but with a man who can give me what I need too. I don't want to be second fiddle, but at the same time I think of how good these last 4 months have gone, then I wonder if I should give it a chance. I do know that if I see him then it will be under different circumstances. I will be free to date others and also let him know that I'm not waiting around for him. But how do you go back in a relationship...most people move forward? He is the nicest man I have ever met and I do think that when he told me things (ex: wanting me to move in, enjoying me being there, missed me when I was gone, etc.) he truly meant what he was saying at the time. Thanks for your input...it just confirmed allot of what I was thinking and feeling. I will keep you posted on the outcome. He will be out of town for a week.

Jaunerose
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 3:33pm
This is exactly how many men attempt to move on and get over an Ex. They hate to be alone and try to move someone in as soon as possible. This does not mean you are not great together and he may be the nicest guy. But it also does not mean he is healed and ready for a full relationship with you. Being a rebound can be excruciatingly painful. Please be careful. His feelings for her may surface at the most intimate times. I have been through this and would not wish it on anyone.

This woman will probably always be in his life, since she is the mother of his child, and hence, in your life, too. Are you ready to deal with this long term?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 3:55pm
I completely agree with Jilly, and I have another thought/question. Things changed when his ex's daughters started visiting him. Was this the first time he'd seen them in the last two years? I'm wondering why they suddenly entered his life again. Are they her adult children and did he help raise them? It's possible that the ex's children reminded him that he lost a family and caused him regret over "what might have been". Could he be confusing those emotions with "still being in love" with her? I'd have a discussion with him exploring his feelings before I decided to move on. I'd ask him what he specifically loves about his ex, what he misses about being with you, and what was his thought process when the girls came to visit. Perhaps it's more that he's not over the loss of the "family" than it is the ex herself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 3:59pm
I will be careful...this was a girlfriend...it is her girls that come around. I definetly will not deal with it long term. I don't even know that I can deal with it short term...just knowing where we were and where it will put us (back) if I do decide to see him. You would think after 2 years (and it being a very dysfunctional relationship) that he would be getting over her, especially since she treated him, his kids, friends and family bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 4:06pm
I think they have kept in touch on and off. It was the 1st time in the 4 months that they came by since I started seeing him. They are 19 & 21...he said he probably shouldn't have let them come over, but he felt like they didn't do anything wrong in the relationship, their mother did. They have emotional problems...19 diagnosed w/ bipolar w/ schitzophrenia and the other is an emotional wreck...he feels very sorry for them. He was only w/ their mom 2 years...on & off...so it's not like he raised them.