Is he cheating or just stupid?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Is he cheating or just stupid?
7
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 12:29pm
B/F called me at work (he calls me every day) and told me that his grandfather was arguing with him about what time it was - he thinks it's 6 in the evening. His grandfather has the beginning stages of Alzheimer's.

Then he said, "Oh, yeah, what else? Oh, he also thinks I had a girl in my

room last night."

I said, "Why would he think that?" and was thinking to myself, Why would you

even bring that up if you know he's going to forget about it?

He said, That's just his dementia, and there's no arguing with him when he

thinks he's right.

Then he broke our date tonight, dinner and donating blood. He said we could get together after I finished donating blood, and we could do other stuff together, tonight. He got all disparaging and defensive when I fell silent, acted like I was freaking out.

Is he just stupid or is he trying to cover his tracks?

There are one of two things going on here:

1.His grandfather is starting to register the fact that I have spent the night before but has a hard time remembering when, or

2.He had a girl in his room last night and is trying to cover his tracks in case his Grandfather brings it up in front of me.

There are some additional things to consider:

1.I have spent the night over there twice but he his grandfather has never seen me until the morning. Once he did see me going into B/F's old bedroom - in the morning.

2.His parents moved in a few weeks ago, and are sleeping in his old room and he is sleeping in what used to be the office. He could think the parents are B/F and another girl.

3.Also, with his parents AND grandfather there something like bringing girls home would be extra hard to do, but maybe his parents are "cool" and would not question anything he did. They also take lots of pills, so I think they sleep heavily.

4.He is not a "player". He claims to never have cheated, he hates going to bars, he's been in a series of monogamous relationships, and he claims to care deeply for me.

But, it just seems to me like there was no reason to bring this up unless he felt guilty, and plus he overreacted when I got quiet. My day just took an awful turn. Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 12:43pm
Seems to me that you're way obsessed with what potential a liason with an inexperienced, unsuccessful, insecure, immature young man might bring to you - as an individual.

This is you two having a casual relationship - this is NOT something that is long-term and has "potential to develop".


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 12:55pm
Okay.... it might be both. maybe he isnt cheating or stupid at all. maybe he doesnt want to be with you and is making up excuses so you grow apart slowly. i think you should just tell him how you feel and ask him whats up. it the only way you can ever really be sure. If you really think hes lying try to get other people to talk to him about it. The truth will come up one way or another.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:23am
Wow! I hope that I am allowed to disagree with you without you ripping me a new one, too. I am sure that you're just trying to help, but I prefer a little hope with my nay-saying, maybe even a little advice on what to do to improve things instead of this pessimistic finality. I suppose this is one of the perils of consulting UN-professionals. Anyway, this is an opinion of an opinion of an opinion, and we all know that everyone has one of those (_*_) Have a nice day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:29am
Has he ever given you any other reason to suspect infidelity?
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 4:47pm
Congratulations, you asked the $64,000. question. Since I didn't provide any background on myself, I will do so now to prevent any further misunderstandings/confusion. I have been cheated on in the past! I ended a nine year marriage because of a cheating man and emotional-turned-physical abuse, so of course I am going to obsess a little. Especially when this b/f of six months is so good to me, I obsess about every little thing, blow it out of proportion, while waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have to consciously tell myself not to run away from something healthy, that this is just my imagination. I have had a pattern of letting the wrong guy pick me, instead of going after someone that I wanted, b/c I was sexually/physically/emotionally abused by my father, starting at age three, and continuing on until about age 6 when he decided he wanted heroin more than us. So, this relationship has been my first real chance to take the lead and pick who I wanted to be with, and to be the person I have always wanted to be in a relationship, - the person I have been working on becoming by going to therapy for the last four years and dealing with all this sh*te. This is my chance to realize and set my boundaries, figure out what I can deal with and what I still need to work on, and it sure has been interesting. You have found a lot better way to express how silly I sound than other people have. Yes, I admit I sound silly when I obsess. Your advice is effectual and usable, not a sword cutting me off at the knees with no solution in sight. Thank you for your time, concern, and kind words. You are sweeter than most. Now I'm off to put all this background info in my profile...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 5:31pm

There absolutely was no reason for him to bring it up at all. So odds are good he just wasn't thinking. He got quiet because he realized what he'd said and what it might conjure up in your head. As you say, he is not a player.However, you probably won't rest until your doubts are laid to rest. In which case you want to bring it up again in a casual, non-blame way to get this out of your system.


Why are you so suspicious? Has anyone cheated on you in the past? You just want to think about the source of your doubts and how much he has to do with them.


,
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 6:08pm
The only advice that I can give you,...that I myself have a hard time listening to myself, is trust your gut instinct. Woman have a great way of just "knowing" when something is wrong, or when something is going on.

Every time, that I've just "known" deep inside that something is wrong, turned out to be right.