Resentful of BF ex-girlfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Resentful of BF ex-girlfriend
5
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 4:32pm
...or I guess resentful of how he treated her as compared to me sometimes. First, let's establish that my boyfriend makes more money in a year than I could ever have dreamed of -- in other words, he lives very well. His ex-fiance took advantage of his money; she milked him for a new car, new computer, a year’s worth of college, a $3,000 ring, and a beautiful home. She moved in with him after 8 months of dating. Before that, she lived rent-free with her mother. She never worked, except a few odd jobs here and there that she quickly became unhappy with and quit. With Mark, she didn’t have to work, but she wouldn’t clean the house. She spent her nights browsing the Internet, and her days sleeping. She treated Mark like an idiot, and he just kept trying to make her happy by giving her everything she wanted. She had it easy. And she had him convinced that she was just "too smart for the world" and "too independent to work crappy jobs." He says he will never be that stupid again, that he was taken advantage of. But part of me says he must have been partially willing to dote on her like that...it's not like she forced him to buy her stuff.

Then I think about myself, and perhaps I'm being selfish, and perhaps my head is messed up for feeling this way, but hear me out. I'm a divorced, single mom of a 2-year-old, working full-time and going to grad school. I'm working like crazy to make ends meet, pay for my apartment, and all of the other things that comes with single motherhood. I'm trying to make life better for myself and my daughter. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and half now, and even though we've talked about moving in together, we haven't really made many steps toward it. He says he wants me to live with him, and he's committed to me, and eventually wants to buy me a ring. I told him that I wanted those same things. But I feel like somehow he was more free to offer those things to his ex than to me. And in my irrational head, it makes me feel like somehow she was better, or her loved her more. Please help! Any suggestions to calm my irrational mind would be soooo appreciated!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 5:27pm
MAYBE SHE ASKED FOR MORE FROM HIM IF YOU HAVE BEEN WITH HIM A YEAR AND A HALF AND HE WANTS YOU TO MOVE IN IT SOUNDS LIKE HE REALLY LOVES YOU AND IS COMMITTED TO YOU. YOU SHOULD TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL, I KNOW I WOULD ANYWAYS I PROBABLY WASN'T MUCH HELP BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT I KNOW HE WILL RESPECT YOU MORE FOR BEING INDEPENDANT AND NOT ~DEPENDANT~ ON HIM !!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 5:27pm
I can fully understand your position- what did she have that I don't??

I think the issue here is that he doesn't want to be taken advantage of again. He probably was really hurt by what happened and is determined to change that. It's not that he doesn't love you as much, or that you don't deserve it. He's just being cautious and that's a good thing.

Now look at the differences between you and his ex. He went from a lazy slob to a hard working single mom. You are independant and can do for yourself, which he loves beyond words. I know it's hard to do it all alone, believe me. But aren't you proud of all you have and do accomplish?

I think what you do need to do is talk to him about where the relationship is going. That you are ready for more of a commitment, like a ring or moving in together. Don't say it to pressure him for a response, just put it on the table how you feel.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 9:00am
To Alison...

You are so right...thanks so much for understanding. Sometimes it helps just to get some things off of my chest. I guess just verbalizing my feelings to someone helps me straighten them out. I think you are right and that I should delicately tell him that I am ready for more of a committment whenever he is. Thanks for the help :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 9:02am
Erin,

Thanks so much for your advice...it really helps to talk to someone who won't criticize me for my feelings :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 9:10am
You have been dating a year and a half and you don't need to delicately state your feelings.

State your needs clearly without hesitation.

I dated a guy who had been divorced for two years, his wife dumped him for someone he was working with.

I thought he had severed his ties emotionally but he was not in a position to trust or to develop and emotional relationship.

You should feel confident that he does like you more than her, but wounds heal slowly for some.