Advice please?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Advice please?
6
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 5:24pm


I am a man over 40 and have not been dating in the last few years. I took out the friendly nurse that had assisted me during my recent ordeal. We had lunch that I thought was expensive and had some nice meaningful talk and that was all. No physical contact to speak, despite that she knows I have a sexual interest in her. (I dont know if it is mutual.) She has recently broken up with someone very dear. I want to see her again, badly, but I wonder if I was given the brush off? She didnt invite me in to her place and said we could go out again. Am I expecting too much?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: spodumene1
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 5:49pm
Why would you think she was giving you the brush off because she didn't invite you in to her apt. on the first date? What has the cost of the lunch have to do with anything - I wonder why you included that information? I'm sure you've made it clear that you are interested in her sexually, and she's made it just as clear that she wants to date you again, but isn't interested in casual sex. If you are "expecting" sex to happen quickly and without first developing mutual sincere affection based on common values and interests, etc., then yes you are expecting way too much. And since she is recovering from a heartbreak, why would you expect her to jump into casual sex, risking another heartbreak on the heels of the last one? Do you really think that most women view sex as simply feel good entertainment without emotional content as many men can and do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
In reply to: spodumene1
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 5:50pm
Thanks for replying to my post by the way...as for your situation, I think you are expecting too much too soon - you've only been on one date? And she said she would be interested in going out again? What's the problem? It's only been one date. Take things slowly and ask her out again, but don't pressure her to move too fast, especially since she has just gotten out of a relationship. Be respectful of that and let things happen naturally. But it sounds like she is interested in you if she said she wants to see you again.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: spodumene1
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 6:06pm
Are you just looking to get laid, or do you actually want to DATE this woman??? If the latter, then YES, you are expecting way too much on a first date!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
In reply to: spodumene1
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 10:01pm
The cost of the lunch should not factor into anything.

If you are concerned about costs of dates then you likely should pick the place.

It can really put a damper on a date when the guy has the women pick the place and then he makes a comment about the cost.

If you did she was probably uncomfortable and kinda pissed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: spodumene1
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 4:48pm
Spodumene, it's easier for other posters to comment on the additional messages you post if you attach it to your original post. That brings your post to the top of the board, like I did for you here.

Your last post:

"I appreciate your advice about the first date situation a few days ago in my post.

By the way, I did not expect sex right away nor am I ready for it. To me an invitation to an apartment or house is just that--a sign of hospitality, nothing more.

It is too bad that people feel that it implies sex itself.Even a kiss is important to me."

I once thought exactly like you that an invitation into my home was simple hospitality, implying nothing more. I can tell you from my own experience as a woman that every single time I invited a man into my place on the first date, he interpreted it to mean that I was open to having sex, or at the very least a heavy make-out session. My reaction the first time it happened was that the guy was a jerk. Same thing with the next guy. I finally realized that this is a common occurence and I stopped inviting guys in until I knew them much better. Yes it is too bad, but many women have expereinced the same thing and won't invite a guy in because she hasn't known him long enough to be able to tell what kind of guy he is. Guys don't come with a 'security clearance', or a 'good guy' certificate. It would be great if they did - LOL, but we women must proceed cautiously and protect ourselves from potential harm and/or the hassle of dealing with the 'octupus man'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: spodumene1
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:03pm
I am wondering how she knows you have a sexual interest in her? Did you tell her that? I'm worried that maybe she thinks that's all you want from her? If that's not your intention, if you're actually interested in getting to know her and you are attracted to her both physically and intellectually you should say so. If I think a guy just wants to jump in to bed with me I'm going to be very cautious about it.

I too wonder why you brought up the cost of lunch? If you cannot afford anything fancy, don't invite her to a fancy place- or suggest a cheaper one if she picks out a fancy place. I think if you're paying you can be honest about how much is too much- I'd rather the guy be honest than go broke trying to feed me! Or next time invite her for coffee only so that will be cheaper.

And I would agree on the inviting guys over thing. Any guy I've invited over, or who's invited me over has had one thing on their mind. To you it may be being hospitable, but for most people it's a sign that you want to start/ continue something. Seeing as how she has just broken up with someone, she's probably not ready to be intimate let alone sexual with another person right now.

If you are truly interested in her whole being, then pick up the phone and arrange another meeting. Doesn't have to cost anything, you could suggest a walk in a nice area. If she agrees and makes plans, then you have your answer.

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