I have no idea what's going on....
Find a Conversation
I have no idea what's going on....
| Sat, 08-28-2004 - 10:11pm |
Ok... long story. I've been with my boyfriend for a year, we had a normal relationship, some ups some downs, but overall it was good. Two weeks ago, he stopped answering my phonecalls with no explanation. Now the week or two before this, there was no indication from him that anything was wrong BUT I had both gotten upset with him and broken up during a fight and then had asked for a break for a few days about a week later. Not a breakup... just a break. This hurt him, a lot, because like a normal guy he told me he wasn't hurt he was "pissed off". In guyspeak "you hurt me". After this he started talking about putting us on the backburner, picking it up in a few months, saying that "we both needed to work on our lives", things like that. Now, never during this relationship did he EVER want to break up. He was the one constantly reassuring me telling me that he never wanted to end it, the thought never came to him, etc. Now he asks for this "backburner" time, then I go away for the weekend, come home, we had a minor tiff on the phone and then he doesn't answer my calls for two days. Next day I talk to him I ask him if he's trying to end it he tells me "the thought of ending it has never crossed my mind, if it had I would tell you. I wouldn't take days or weeks to tell you.. I'd just tell you." Then two more days of no phonecalls, then he calls one day like everything is fine, we talk and laugh and have a nice time, that was two weeks ago. He hasn't answered my calls since. People have told me to give him time and space, but I, have been calling him everyday and I have begged, literally cried and begged for him to tell me what's going on, and if its over... to please just tell me. Through an email even, I just want to know. I've heard nothing.
Now I've accepted the idea that it probably is over, but I feel like he's trying to keep the option open of coming back. I'm doing my best to go on with my life, and as he had suggested the week before to "put this relationship on the backburner". But what bugs me is why he won't tell me its over. I have this feeling he'll call, and maybe he just needs time and space, but that's my feeling.
Can anyone here shed any light on this? Has this ever happened to you? Why won't he tell me its over???
Now I've accepted the idea that it probably is over, but I feel like he's trying to keep the option open of coming back. I'm doing my best to go on with my life, and as he had suggested the week before to "put this relationship on the backburner". But what bugs me is why he won't tell me its over. I have this feeling he'll call, and maybe he just needs time and space, but that's my feeling.
Can anyone here shed any light on this? Has this ever happened to you? Why won't he tell me its over???

Pages
It's quite possible that he was telling you the truth, and that's why he won't tell you it's over. It's also possible that it's over, and he doesn't want to tell you because he fears an extremely emotional reaction from you. Your reaction to him backing off would give him good reason to feel that way.
The only way you can really determine if it's just space and time he needs or if all he wants is to keep his options open is to stop calling him. If you move on and he calls at some point, you can evaluate how you feel then.
And for the love of all that's good and holy, please stop phoning him and begging. You're giving your power away. Take it back.
A~
I've also told him that I was sorry for acting like a total freq and that I hope he can forgive me for that but that he left me in a really bad place and I was reacting to that. Also told him that I know if he did want to end it, that he would have told me that, and that if it takes 3 months, that I will wait for those 3 months but at the same time that I am getting on with my life and taking care of myself and those things I need to take care of. Doing exactly what he told me we both need to do.
What scares me the most now is what if I'm totally wrong and he has ended it? Or that maybe he has found someone else and he just won't tell me. Even though these thoughts go against everything he has EVER told me or what I know of him, the thoughts still plague me at times.
But I talked to my Mom, who is always right about everything, really she is its annoying at times but as I've gotten older I've come to respect her for that. She's told me that it sounds like he just wants me to leave him alone, and that I'm not doing that and that I NEED to do that. And if he said 3 months, then leave him alone for 3 months, and it may be 3 months, or 6 months or even a year, but its what he needs and wants right now. And if it was meant to be, it will be.
Its just really REALLY hard, but what else can I really do? But give him space and time to do the things he needs to do and the time to think about what he really wants. Just hard to let someone you love so much and something you do want so much in your life go. But thank you for your advice, I appreciate it.
I also told him I was sorry that I've been such a freak with the phonecalls and emails the last couple of weeks, that I hoped he could forgive me and that I wasn't going to call anymore. That I was going to be busy with work and school, and because I was going to give him his time and space and that I understand.
Was that ok to do? Or was it a completely wrong thing? I'm still worried and anxious that I'll never hear from him again, though I still feel by now if he really wanted it over, he'd have said so. *sigh* Again.. this is so hard.
I hope he does come back, I'm not going to even remotely lie about that but I know the only way I have any hope of salvaging this is by leaving it and him alone. I just hope when I do he'll remember what we had, and how much he did love me, and how happy we were and hopefully call again someday. I feel inclined to hold onto this as the last thing he said to me was that he didn't want to end it, and that he hasn't said anything to me to contradict that in this whole time.
And yes my Mom gives great advice, blunt and to the point which I respect, and this morning I called her at work and simply asked her "Mom should I call his mom and see what's going on?", her response a flat out "NO" and that held me back. Moms are great, annoying at times, but great. And if she thinks he just needs time, and thats all, then thats what I'll do. That and she told me that saying about "if you love something.. set it free" etc, and as much as I hate that saying, its what I have to do.
But my god I miss him so much :( Anyways, thanks again and I'll be posting again I'm sure.
I'm glad to hear that you have decided to stop calling and truly give this man some space and time.
Start
I've worried myself to the point where I've become physically sick, that's how much this is upsetting me. I haven't been able to eat at all, my sleeping routine is really messed up in that it takes me forever to fall asleep and when I do, I wake up from nightmares. I've lost 12 lbs in the last 2 weeks, and now that I'm sick with a stomach flu I can't eat right now either, I'm probably going to lose more.
This is putting me through hell, and I just wish I knew how or why he was doing this to me. He won't tell me its over, and yet he won't reassure me either. Its like he wants nothing at all to do with me right now, but yet he doesn't want to close the door on me in case he wants to come back. Or maybe that's just my mixed up way of thinking.
Anyways, I just needed to vent and if anyone new has any insight, please share it. Or even reassurance that I'm doing the best possible thing to try to save this relationship. Thanks.
You are reacting so extremely because you have attached much deeper meaning to his departure than a mere need for space. You have (perhaps subconciously) decided that because he left, you are worthless. You have placed all your self-worth on his admiration of you, his validation of you, and his love for you so that without him you believe you have no value at all. You have fallen apart as a result of that. Even if he called you today and wanted to resume what you had, it would not fix your problem.
You need counseling to help you sort things out, to help you get in touch with your deep insecurities and lack of self-love, to help you to believe that you are inherently lovable, strong, self-directed, and able to stand on your own no matter what life throws at you, and to give you the tools to self-actualize. You absolutely have the capacity for all of that, and you deserve to be happy. Your mother can give you advice on what to do, as we can here, but no one can do the work you need to do for yourself except you. I think you need help getting started with that so please make an appointment with a therapist today. I know that this isn't the advice you hoped for, but it's the best advice I can give and I would be doing you a disfavor if I didn't tell you the truth. Best wishes.
Pages