How do I get the trust back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
How do I get the trust back?
6
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 12:08am
I've been in my relationship for 3 years now (minus 5 months last summer when we broke up). 3 months after we started dating, he had an encounter with someone else when he was drunk. He kicked her out of his room before the sex happened, but he still kissed her etc...I forgave him after 3 days of consideration. Things were going good again until he started online flirting. Since then he has done everything he possibly can to prove to me he won't do anything. He barely goes on the computer, we barely go to the bars, he doesn't have any female friends, he trys not to even look at another girl. I know he loves me and all I want is to get my trust back so I can be happy. How does one go about getting it back without always worrying it will happen again? We are going to go to couples councelling, but are waiting for them to call back with an appointment time.

I really want to let this go...I've had a hard time dealing with things in my past from previous boyfriends as well....I know I keep re-living old mistakes over and over, I just want to know how to let myself stop and forgive him. He's doing so much to make "us" work. He's given up almost everything for me. So I know he loves me and wants to make things work.

But I need help with the trust thing....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 12:24pm
someone please reply and give me some input
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 12:47pm
Trust is a choice. You can choose to give it at any time. The most important thing about trust is that you need to trust yourself that you can deal with any situation that may arise.

My concern is that you are holding this over his head for a very long time. You say that you forgave him but in fact I doubt you really have. He is trying very hard to regain your trust through his actions. If this is not (or ever will be) good enough for you, then break up now as you seem to want to hold on to the negative emotions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 5:01pm
You can't just get over something. It's an issue, obviously a big one for you, and it takes time to work through it. You say you know that he loves you and he's changed his whole life to *prove* that he loves you. But that actually worries me, since you shouldn't change your life so drastically for another person. He should have hobbies and friends and spend time without you.

If you are constantly worried he's going to cheat, you're never going to have a normal healthy relationship. You may have to just concede that he has broken the trust you had and it can't be fixed. Then find a guy who is trustworthy and relax- you'll be a lot happier knowing your guy isn't out there with another woman.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 4:40pm
by changing his life around, I meant that he doesn't flirt or go looking online for girls to talk to anymore

He does have a lot of hobbies and he does go out with friends

I don't stop him from doing or going anywhere

I just want to get rid of the worried feeling when he does go out

We are going to couples councelling to get some help too

we have 8 sessions for an hour each time

I guess I am using this as our last chance

if I can't let go of the issues after talking to the councellor

then I know he isn't the one after all....

I have a history of keeping things in the past active

I was teased a lot in school too

to this day, I still hate them

when I go to my hometown I dread seeing any of them

I just have a hard time letting go of things

It's something I need to work on

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 5:16pm
I will recommend that you get some of these things down in writing and then put them away. Make it a putting the past behind you excersize. You can't comtinue living life if you're stuck in the past. The future is uncertain, but the more you worry about the what if's the less chance you will be able to just enjoy life.

I know that trust is a big issue, but you have to say, ok one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Look to the signs that your guy loves you, what are the things he DOES for you that make you feel loved? What do YOU do for him that shows him you love him? Relationships are give and take, don't forget that.

Alison

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 7:08pm
I just wanted to say thank you for your input and your advice on the matter. I am going to try writing the stuff down like you said and see if it helps me. It sounds like a good idea to me. I really appreciate your words.