Old Conditioning w/Mr. Right
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| Sun, 08-29-2004 - 5:13pm |
I have found a wonderful man though! We've been dating for 8 months now and it's getting more serious as we get more comfortable w/each other. We have such similar backgrounds and commonalities that it really is eerie sometimes. We're both Christians and have both been left by our spouses in long term marriages. I love him deeply and trust him completely.
My "problem" is that he has had such an upbringing and rotten marriage that he doesn't believe he is able to give the kind of love he thinks I deserve. He has had nothing but negativity in most of his relationships so far, being told his wasn't doing or giving enough, etc. He is obviously able to love, but feels it isn't good enough and doesn't know how to change it. He would almost rather live without love than to try to "put himself out there" and be vulnerable to more pain. But he is trying with me.
It is strange because I see him give and then I see him retreat some. He calls me daily and does loving deeds for me constantly. He is kind, gentle and sweet and ALL of the qualities I am looking for in a partner. How do I help him relax and trust in love again? I don't want to change him, I love him exactly as he is. I just wish he could be secure in his ability to give to me all that he does without feeling he is shortchanging me. Thanks for your help. Jade

An analogy would be - a baseball player may deserve a hit, but if he just stands at the plate without taking a swing, he will never get a hit.
It sounds like some of his actions towards you are very thoughtful and appreciated. Make sure that he understands that you do appreciate him and his efforts. Doing this will contribute to his confidence levels. He may also wish to seek some professional guidance to build the confidence and keep his focus on the positives.