Emotional Baggage, How to put it down?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Emotional Baggage, How to put it down?
30
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:22pm
Greetings folks,

I am going through a period in my life right now where I feel like I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I am 29 years old I have two sons that are scholl age that I am raising alone. Their father and I were together for 10 years but never married. I have never been married. Sadly it did not owrk out between us and I moved on with my life about a year ago. I was very excited and eager to get on with my life after it did not work out with my kids dad he was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive to me. Not to mention he is a less than desireable providder for his sons. The problem is that when I found myself back in the dating game I no longer knew how to play.

It seems as if now a days anyone that I might possibly have an interest in already has someone, or is up to some other scheme or has some hidden agenda which for the most part involves going to bed and not having any other responsibility to me. Since this is not how I was reaised I have a real problem with the whole " no strings attached" sex thing so I choose not to get involved in situations like that. Well that was until a little while ago.

About six months ago I met this guy that I was really attracted to. He's about seven years older than me, he's very handsome, divorced, father of two, set in his career, and financially comfortable. He seemed more than compatible based on those qualities alone. Now first let me make it very clear that in the whole time I have been seeing him including now, I have never asked him for anything tangible, nor have I ever tried to push my kids off on him. I am independent I pay my own bills, I pay my own way, for me and my kids and I never wanted im to feel like I was looking for someone to step in and pick up where my ex left off in our lives. So our relationshop startd off pretty good at first.

He did tell me very early on that he did not want to jump into a relationship right away. His exact words were " Let's be the best of buddies and see where things go" Convinced that he would fall in live with me I agreed to that sort of relationship with him which was great at first. The way I saw it was " His mouth says we're friends his actions say he's mine" We were seeing a lot of each other for about 3 good weeks and then all of a sudden he became chronically busy, and hardly had any time to spend with me. After a few months of this he finally came to me with the idea that I move closer to him. He owns a few properties and had a really nice house that he was willing to rent me for a great price. I decided to move in. He said that " Once I am closer to him we will be able to see more of each other" I have been there a month now and I have not seen him. What the hell is going on? He says that he cares abou me, I kow that he is sexually satisfied with me, what could be going on? I feel so confused,I don't know if I am wasting my time or not, he is very hard to read. His mouth sayd one thing and his actions say another.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 8:58pm
Are you sure he's not seeing anyone else?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 11:40am
No, I'm not sure at all. I asked him a long time ago when we first started seeing each other if he was physically involved with anyone else besides me. He told me that he was seeing another woman, but he also told me when he stopped seeing her, and told me why they stopped seeing each other. My point is he is usually good about keeping it real and telling me the truth, even if the truth is ugly and it may hurt my feelings. He has always been open and honest. But at the same time he acts as if he really cares about me. I asked once and he told me that he did but was not good at expressing himself. Sometines I want to just leave him alon, and other times I think that if I continue to see him, our relationship will eventually go where I want it to go. I really do love him, but I am so confused, and now even if I wanted to leave him alone it would be hard because now he is my landlord.. A fine mess I've gotten myself into I know!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 12:21pm
What I find "confusing" is if he wants to just be "best of buddies" why are you sleeping with him??

I wouldn't move, or anything unless there is a committment and exclusivity talk, sounds to me like he wants to treat you like a "girlfriend" when it's convenient for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 12:30pm
I would find a new place to live and forget about any kind of romantic relationship with him. He is not consistent with you in your relationship. You feel confused and unsure. That is no way be feel in a relationship. Something's up and I don't trust him. An honest, trustworthy guy does not dissapear for weeks at a time, wanting to be "buddies" but asking you to rent his home. Something just doesn't add up.

How does he make you feel? If you do not feel cared for, respected and like he's being 100% truthful with you, then you shouldn't be in this relationship. What's the point? Find someone who doesn't make you feel these things. Find someone that you never have to question their feelings or intentions towards you.

Good luck! I know it's a tough situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 1:41pm
Well I just moved in a little less than a month ago, so I'm not really looking to pick p and move again any time soon, besides that I signed a one year lease. As far as how does he treat me. Well when we are together we laugh, and joke, we have serious conversations about real stuff. And the sex is possibly the most gratifying I have ever had in life. We have a very good time together physically, and it is mutual. In this one area he has no problem telling me that I more than exceed his expectations. When we are laying together he holds me, and caresses me. He kisses certain parts of body that he knows I like. So it's very difficult for me to tell where this is going. I feel like I will turn him off if I push him to make a commitment to me. I would rather have him in my life, than not.

I know that I deserve to be in a relationship where the lines are very clear and well defined, but at the same time I don't want to lose him because of my own insecurities. I feel like I am being tested right now and I am trying hard not to fail. I asked him why he does not spend more time with me. He says because his schedue is very busy. To his defense he is in law enforcement and does work odd and long hours sometimes, and he still has sons from two past relationships that he tends to. Could it be that he is just a little cautious because his past relationships ended badly?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 2:04pm
It sounds like this guy might really likenyou but may not be sure if you are the one yet. Maybe he is dating other women and is taking his time with letting them go. I don't see why a man would move you so close to him, put you in his house to pay rent, if he didn't like you, or if he didn't think that you were a goood person. I would hang in there for the ride.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 5:26pm
What bothers me about your situation is that you said you haven't seen him in the month since you moved. The whole reason for moving, he told you, was so that you'd be closer and be able to see each other more. Why hasn't that happened? If there is/was some kind of test, I think it might be that you already passed it. It sounds like it was a test to determine if you would accept a relationship that keeps you tucked away from other possible suitors (living in his property, he as your landlord with a key) while he carries on with whomever he chooses to be with at any given moment.

No one is so busy that they can't make some time in an entire month to see a person when they really want to be with them. He hasn't said you're the only woman in his life, it sounds like sex has been a large part of your time spent together, and it's odd that he hasn't been back for that in a long time. It's possible that his long absence means that he's getting it somewhere else. You said you'd rather have him in your life than not, and that's fine but I think you'll have to settle for and be satisfied with things as they are, and not have any expectations or hope for more. Caution over past relationships ending badly would not account for him "missing in action".

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 10:10am
It is very painful to read your words, I guess it is indeed what they say about the truth.

IT HURTS!!!! I know that I have allowed myself to become invoved in a situation that I knew would have less than desireable results. I guess I was just hoping that someone like him would see soemone like me as worthy of more than just an occasional roll in the hay.

And hell for that matter I can't seem to get him to come and do that anymore either. I know what it is I need to do, I guess what I am more afraid of is the utter feeling of loneliness that I am bound to feel when I finally realize that it is over, " Whatever it was" But I will no longer have him to think fondly about, Instead my thoughts will turn to how he used me, But I guess he didn't use me because I allowed him to have whatever he wanted. I feel used because he didn't want what I wanted, at least not from me. It seems like they never do! Thank you for keeping it real with me, I do believe your words were helpful to me. In case you are confused, Unhappilysingle29 is also Mssylence, for whatever reason I decided to have 2 different screen names.

Peace.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 11:15am

I know you wrote about this situation on another board, and I offered some suggestions there.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 1:39pm
I know it hurts. Remember that you ARE worthy of more than a roll in the hay regardless of how one man treats you. Your worth is not dependent on any guy, no matter what qualities he possesses. He did lead you to believe he wanted more, he asked you to uproot yourself for that very purpose! That would make me very angry. Allow yourself to feel that anger, not so you will want revenge or anything, but because its cathartic.

Your hurt is causing you to blame yourself, and start a thinking process that makes you feel there is something wrong with you. Yes, you did allow his desire for you sexually, and his tender talk/caresses (in the absense of actual dating and a clear statement of his regard for you as a person) to take on more meaning than it warranted. BUT, it sounds to me like he is very good at finding lonely, vulnerable women and using them for his purposes. I doubt he has much respect for any woman, and he is NOT a nice guy. So don't "blame" yourself, take responsibility for your own actions certainly, but know that he is also culpable for his part in this.

Pages