Tired of being sad!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Tired of being sad!!!
6
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 6:36pm
Hello to everyone. I'm new to ivillage and am not sure if I am looking for advice, just looking to vent or just wanting to talk. I'm 28 years old and just recently (well... actually it's been about 5 months ago now, but the wounds are still fresh!) got out of a 6 1/2 year relationship. He was my first love, my first... everything.

Our relationship was not perfect (as if any of them are!) and since the breakup I have sort of realized that maybe I'm better off without him. If it helps you to understand, all my girlfriends are sad for my heartache but don't think he treated me right anyway.

Prior to my relationship with him (we'll call him Trevor because that's what my dad called him to tick me off), I'd never really dated. We met, I gave him my virginity almost immediately and the rest is history. Now, we've broken up and at first it was just nothing but hysterical sobbing and depression. I had to promise my mother that I wouldn't commit suicide because she was so terrified about my level of sadness. The last two months or so though have been ok. We're still sleeping together, but I haven't been terribly emotional about that. It's been more about getting what I need physically...

but this last week, I am completely sad all over again. I don't know what the deal is. There are many things I am probably leaving out of this story, but I guess maybe I'm just looking for unbiased people to tell me that everything is going to be ok, that I will get over it (how by the way!?), etc...

I just feel like the "downward spiral" I was on when we first broke up, is starting all over again and I don't know why...

Thoughts? Advice?

Rhandi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 7:20pm
Get busy with your life (exercise, work, education, reading, hobbies) and surround yourself with people who want to spend time with you (friends, family, date others). You WILL get over him, it takes time. Just try to be positive, think about all the things you love in your life, who is important to you, etc. Focus on what you want to accomplish the next week, month, year, etc....and go after it. When you have your life in order, often other things fall into place.

Hang in there and good luck

BTW ( Did you say you were still sleeping with guy who you broke up with????) Just checking- that is a big NO, if you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 2:20am
The reason you aren't getting over him and begun the healing process is because you haven't let go of him. It's very simple. You are not still sleeping with him because you need sexual release. Sex is not like food and water, it's absurd to think that you can't live well without it for a period of time. You don't *need* a sexual partner between relationships. Millions of people abstain from sex when they are not in relationships, and they don't shrivel up and die.

Everything will be okay, but only if you stop seeing him, stop sleeping with him, stop having contact with him entirely. There is nothing wrong or unusual about your feeling this way under the circumstances. No one going through a break-up when they are not 100% sure they want it to end can avoid feeling sad if they don't stop having sex with the person they love, and that's especially true for women. Every time you see him, and every time you have sex with him you are reminded of what you have lost. It's not at all surprising that your feelings of sadness have risen to the surface again because you've been consoling yourself with the sex instead of moving forward and starting the real process of healing. Please stop torturing yourself this way. I hope this helps you understand and do what you need to do. Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 3:17pm
stop screwing him!!!!

if you want to start feeling better you have to stop letting this guy still have the goodies. What does he have to be sad about regarding the break up? Nothing.... if you are still giving him the Na Na. I understand about physical needs, and a wise woman once said" The best way to get over your old man is to get under a new one"

Remember condoms provide guilt free sex, If he doesn't leave anything behind like ( DNA )

then it didn't happen.. Good luck I hope you will feel better soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 4:53pm
You need to stop sleeping with him. Stop seeing him completly. Stop talking to him. What you're doing right now is giving him sex in the hopes that he will realize how much he loves you and take you back, am I right? You know what he sees? That he gets to have as much sex as he wants, without having to invest in a relationship or be accountable to anyone anymore. Why would he willingly give up that deal?

You are now feeling sad because deep down you realize that your plan isn't working. The lightbulb DIDN'T go off in his brain to say, "wow, this girl really DOES love me and she IS such a great person that I DON'T want to lose". Believe me, he will NOT come around, but he will use you until something else comes alone. And how will you feel then when he suddenly drops you cause there's someone else he'd rather pursue?

So stop playing around. There's no way that you can move on and find a good man if you're all consumed in the wrong one. If you're truly tired of being sad, then you say adios to the ex and look forward. Remember, they are EX'S for a reason and they are meant to STAY in the past.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 7:22pm
To: crazygirl7113, charite 99, unhappilysingle29 and alison... all the ladies that responded to my pathetic relationship issues ~~~

I just wanted to thank you for your time and advice. All very truthful, honest and completely dead-on correct! I especially like unhappilysingle29's advice to stop giving him "The Na Na" and that "The best way to get over a man is to get under a new one" (which I have heard once before recently in fact). I know you all are right and incidentally ya'll sound exactly like the rest of my friends and family. It's just so hard when you're going through it, ya know?

I did want to address one thing that alison said, I am actually not sleeping with him in hopes that he'll realize he wants me back, etc. Since moving out, and since I've seen our relationship through the eyes of my friends/family, I honestly think I have realized that I don't want to be with him anymore, that he didn't treat me right, that I deserve much better and that he doesn't deserve ME. I think that I have been continuing this intimate part of our relationship because my self-esteem is so low that I just want to feel wanted/desired by SOMEONE, I am comfortable with him because he's the only man I've ever been with and almost out of habit.

I was explaining to one of my best friends last night that I feel like the drug addicts I've seen on talk shows. They want help because they don't like the way they feel/look/behave, but the thought of going to rehab and being without their drug is terrifying to them and they often refuse the help because they can't imagine life without it... it's what they know. This guy was my first love, the only man I've ever made love to, the first man I lived with, the man I thought I would marry and have children with. I don't want to be with him now because I realize we want different things and I KNOW I should stop talking to him/seeing him/sleeping with him for my own well-being, but the thought of not having him in my life in any way... scares the crap out of me. He's all I know. It's not that I want HIM, it's that I want SOMEONE and I have no other takers... I am not used to being alone. I know that I sound pathetic and needy, I know I can learn to be independent and strong. It's just going to take some time.

I had an epiphany last night. I'm angry. I'm not even sad anymore, I'm just pissed. I talked to him yesterday afternoon. He's just bought a new house recently and will be moving there shortly. When I talked to him he was on-line looking for roomates. He read the listing to me (description of the house, etc) and then went on to read the roomie-criteria section of his listing. He is looking for a roomate between the ages of 18-40, female, straight or lesbian. I asked him if he was trying to replace me. He said, "Well I'd ask you to move in but I specified Non-Smokers". First of all... AS IF! I wouldn't even consider living with him again. Second of all... you are TOTALLY trying to replace me you A-Hole! You broke up with me because you didn't want to be in a serious relationship anymore and you wanted to be a bachelor all your life.. then you try to replace me with one of your whores disgusied as a roomate.

The other thing I am angry about with him... and then I'm done ranting like a maniac, I swear (by the way, I know I don't know any of you, but I adore you for listening and for dishing advice, etc.. LOVE you!)... the last thing is that he is friends with my best friends' husband. They (the guys) happened to see each other last weekend and here's a portion of their conversation (names have been changed)...

Calvin (husband of my friend): "So, are you and Rhonda (that's me) still seeing each other and stuff?"

Trevor (my ex): "Well, we're still 'screwing'(he used the F word here)"

Calvin: "Oh, well doesn't that make it harder for you to move on though?"

Trevor: "Maybe for her..."

Just like that. Could you be more cold and cruel? Nice. So, I am done. No more calling him. If he calls me, I either won't answer or I'll be "busy" without giving him an explanation of why or with whom I am busy. I will not go to his house to do laundry anymore because that always leads to other things, I will instead scrounge quarters and go to the damn laundry room. I will no longer go to his rescue if he needs my help with something. I will no longer go to his place or invite him to mine, period. I will no longer sleep with him. I will also call my friends when I am feeling weak and they will give me strength. We created a name for it last night, my girlfriend and I, we will call it T.O.A (T.O are the ex's initials and the A is for Anonymous.. like AA groups) and I have three "sponsers". I am going to make it and I will come out the other side stronger, healthier, more independent and proud as all hell that I can make it without his sorry ass.

Thanks again ladies!

Rhandi

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 7:56pm
I have a better idea...call your phone company, order call rejection, and block him from calling you.

It's much easier to ignore calls if you never get them in the first place.

Sheri