Is he going to break up with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Is he going to break up with me?
5
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:32pm




Hi everyone, I have been writing in for a while now about my boyfriend of 5 months who just revealed that he had a man go down on him once when he was in his 20s. Well last night I was a bit angry at him and am afraid I kind of used it against him. I was trying to discuss his pot use and how that upset me, how he is wild and I have had to experience things that have made me question him ( i.e the incident with another man, some sex videos I had stumbled onto of his ex girlfriends). I was telling him about how a man in his mid 30s still using pot and going to clubs is lame, that all the porn on the computer was lame as well and I was just so angry at him. He exploded and got really mad that he punched the wall and left a hole in it and said that I am on his case all the time because I have no life and am always thinking idly. He says I keep on acting like a brat and that I have bought this on myself and he's giving me what I want which is to break up. I went outside for a while and then asked to come back in because I was too emotional to drive. He wanted me to lie down with him and we made up but I just kept on crying and wanting him to comfort me but he would not. He just wanted to sleep and said everything is fine, but this morning he did not kiss me goodbye and I am scared he does not love me anymore. when I asked him if he loves me he says yes but then he says he is numb. He says that he wants more than anything to be in love more than to be loved. I guess that means he is not in love with me anymore? what should I do ? Please help. He is a wonderful boyfriend despite the pot use and all that I have complained about was from his past. I just have to let it go and I want to try to. I am not sure if at this point I should just cut all ties and he will come back when he misses me. I have wrote him a letter explaining all my frustrations and such and he wants to discuss it tonight. and signed his IM with a kiss. Any input would be much obliged.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:55pm
I think he's immature and you should find a decent mature man. Doing drugs, in my opinion, is something that TEENAGERS do- something that most responsible adults stop doing. Do you not understand that he's manipulating you and not giving you anything you deserve? When someone gets mad because you point out something that's upsetting you, and then proceeds to punch the wall and say it's YOUR fault- they have issues. Don't let next time be YOUR FACE. And any PERSON male or female who loses control like that and THEN blames YOU for THEIR behaviour is controlling and violent!

I think it will be a blessing for you to break up with this guy. He will not stop using drugs and he will not stop looking at porn. Do you honestly want to be going around in circles with him? If you don't like it, instead of changing HIM, change YOU and leave. No one is making you stay with him! And the longer you sit around hoping he'll change, the less time you're allowing a mature honest man into your heart.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 8:01pm
In your original post only a week or so ago, you said you initially hooked up with him 5 months ago just for a fling because he had a reputation as a bad boy and you didn't see him as relationship material. You fell for him and you were upset because he was going off to a wild orgy-like festival, because he blatantly ogled other women, because he uses drugs, etc. You were worried that he would cheat on you at the festival.

Now you say, "He is a wonderful boyfriend despite the pot use and all that I have complained about was from his past."

No, it's not only about his past. It's about his current behavior, and it's about the fact that you don't like it, you don't agree with it, and you can't make it okay for yourself by pretending it's not true. You are attempting to reinvent him into the kind of man you want him to be. You are going so far in that attempt that you're discounting the issues that upset you in the very recent past.

He'll probably come back to you, and next week he'll do something else or the same stuff he's been doing all along and you'll be upset again. He's not going to change, he is what he is. You can force yourself to accept him, you can disregard your own values in favor of his, you can do all of that and keep him. Realize that if you stay with him you are choosing to accept him, and it's not fair of you to make any complaints to him or "get on his case" when he has never promised to be anything but what he is. (That doesn't mean it's reasonable to condone the way he conducts his life - I sure wouldn't pick a guy like him.) You have to make a choice one way or the other. I hope you choose wisely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 8:56pm
Hon you seem in denial and eager to find any excuse to stay with him. According to your post he IS a violent man and that violence and aggression can easily turn to you. Just like he punched a hole in the wall he can use you like a punching bag IF get gets really mad at you. He is an addict and a drug user and you cannot help him. Why are you so fearful of leaving him OR him leaving him? Perhaps you are dependednt on him because you think noone can ever love you? Please, think about your life in a few months, it could be hell.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 9:21pm
Thanks for your words charite. They do make sense. With the whole oggling of women he has made a conscious effort to stop and with the pot smoking he has stopped for a week but he's bringing shrooms to the music fest and so I am losing patience. I love him and want him to be at his best and he once said that he needs someone like me to keep him in line. That he would never want to date someone like himself. I thought we had an understanding but last night when we argued he was being vendictive by saying he can't change for anyone but himself depite telling me he would change once we have kids. It's hard to want to beleive in the man you love and work towards something better. I love him and want him to respect me but I don't think he does with how he treated me. I know that I did attack him and when you do that people get defensive. I am just so very confuised but it's nice to be able to get my thoughts out so thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 10:33pm
You are afraid of the unknown....we are comfortable with what we know even if it sucks! Move on ....as a very bright person once said...feel the fear and go there. If you keep this guy in your space ...there won't be any room for the really great person who is trying to find you. The universe abhors a vaccum...sometimes God sends all the wrong people into your life so when the right one comes along...you know how to recognise him and be grateful for the gift.