Giving milk for free?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Giving milk for free?
5
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 4:42pm
I've been going out with this great guy for about 4 months now and we are actually exclusive. Now, he wants me to move in with him because he lives like an hour away from me and since we are both so busy it really makes it very hard for us to see each other other than the weekends. Anyways, I think I'm in love with him and I think he feels the same way about me. I think this guy is "the one". My question is, I don't know if me moving in with him will reduce my chances of ever getting married. I know I'm still young (I'm 25) but I think I'm ready to get married. I've heard from many experienced friends that once you start living with your boyfriend without getting married, it makes life so convenient and easy for them that the chances they will ever propose to you are greatly reduced. You know what they say, why would you buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free? Is it so? What do you people think out from your experiences?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 5:10pm
Well in my experience, that DID happen. I moved in with the guy, a year later we became engaged, but 4 years later we were still not married. Our relationship ended 2 weeks before we would have been together 5 years and we had a son together. I would NOT put myself in that situation again.

If you're concerned about it, I think it's only fair to talk to him about wanting a bit more of a committment from him. 4 months is not a long time together, so how do YOU feel about it? Convenience aside, are you ready to live with someone? Then he would be there and you would have no where to retreat to. If the answer is yes, then go for it, just be sure to discuss a plan for things before you make the next move. You want to talk about how the bills, rent, food, etc are going to be divided. My ex paid the rent and I paid the bills and food. It was about equal, so it worked out well. I wouldn't recommend opening a joint account.

I guess just make sure that you want to move in together for the right reasons.

Good luck

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 10:27pm
I have a huge distaste for the phrase - "why would you buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free?"

Its not like he is the only person to receive benefits from cohabitation. You would be receiving a lot of benefit as well. Great relationships are equality-based and mutually-beneficial. Do not place all of the accountability and benefit statements on him - you own them too.

Before making your decision I would have a serious conversation with him that includes you BOTH answering the following questions:

1 - What does a commited relationship and marriage mean to you?

2 - What do you need to have accomplished in life prior to considering marriage?

3 - What are your life goals, aspirations and plans over the next 2 to 5 years?

If you find that you two have similar agendas, wants, needs and expectations then cohabitation is less risky. If you do not have this conversation or if your answers are vastly different then cohabitation will contain a fair amount of risk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 11:43am
4 months seems pretty quick to move in with someone! especially if you've only recently become exclusive. you're still just getting to know each other. living together can put a big strain on a new relationship. i've known couples who moved in together too soon and then broke up because they weren't ready for the constant togetherness... believe me, breaking up when you live together is just horribly unpleasant!

when you've been together a little longer, you'll have discussed the future and marriage plans. even if you're not engaged yet, you'll have an idea for his general timeline and whether it matches your own.

until then, if you really want to move closer, i think you should get your own place in his town. even if you just get a little hole-in-the-wall and spend all your time at his place - there's a big difference when you have *someplace* else to go home to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 1:50pm
Yes, your reasoning about "getting milk for free" perfectly applies to the info you're giving out here: basically, you'll be sharing a place and will enjoy the benefits of a relationship without a commitment. You'll be making his "life easier" and will reduce the commute time. He does not want you to move in because you two share values, principles, a goal in life and plan to have a life together. Your relationship will be one of convenience.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 3:14pm
I can't stand that phrase either. It implies that women are nothing more than chattel, like the days of old when women were considered the property of a man like the rest of his farm animals. Nowadays it has come to mean she should consider her "milk" as a bargaining chip for commitment. It's an appalling thought.