Is it too soon?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
Is it too soon?
5
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 12:27pm
I am a single mother of a two year old girl. Her father is financially supportive and tries to visit when he can. I have been dating a man for the past month. This man, Edward, is attractive, intelligent, thoughtful, funny, you get the picture. Here's the catch: he is still separated. A year or so ago, he found out that his wife had been cheating on him -the entire decade of their marriage. He said he tried everything; counseling, working through it, etc., but his wife said she didn't love him anymore. He says he's ready to move on, but I'm concerned. He has two beautiful sons and he wants to get our kids together. We have only been on four dates, but we both felt an instant attraction. I'm hesitant to bring my daughter into the picture until he is officially divorced. When I'm with him, I feel at ease and quite comfortable. He seems so sincere about wanting to start something solid. I don't get the impression that this is just for fun. When I get home, though, my mind races. What if his wife wants to get back together? If he was so willing to work things out, why wouldn't he go back to her? Why would he want to go from a 10 year marriage straight into a serious relationship? Is this a rebound for him? Is it a rebound for me since I haven't been in a relationship since my daughter was conceived? If it is, would a rebound be good for me? Should I just enjoy it and stop analyzing it? Should I just break it off and never know what could have been?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
In reply to: ansm78
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 12:52pm
My advice is to go with your gut. If you are hestitant there probably is a reason.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
In reply to: ansm78
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 6:34pm
Even if he is separated... he is still married. Listen to your gut, as the other poster suggested. The fact that you have questions indicates to me that you know, on some level, that he is not right for you, not for now anyway.

A~

Avatar for jademoon44
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
In reply to: ansm78
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 7:24pm
From my perspective.. I can tell you that finding all the right qualities in a man is very difficult. Only you know this man. I suspect part of you is nervous and part of you is checking your gut. Perfectly normal.

All I can say really is that I'm in a very similar situation... somewhat flipflopped from yours. I am the one freshly out of a long term marriage, been separated one year and in the middle of divorcing now. I have 8 & 18 year old sons.

My guy has been divorced for 7 years. He was in a 17 year marriage in which his wife had several affairs and also did not love him. He left finally because he couldn't take the lies and manipulations anymore. He stayed all that time for the kids he loves so dearly. Perhaps your guys has left for the same reason... comes a point of no matter how badly you want to make something work that you realize it just won't. He's been separated a year now? That's a long time to think about choiced and reflect on what one wants for their life. To me, it says his ex is just not it and he's ready to find what he wants and needs. He's been denied for a while, he is moving on with life.

Have you discussed the possibility with him of returning to her? That conversation should be had. Because the rest of him sounds wonderful and this conversation, you may find, could really put some of your fears to rest. I advocate waiting til there is truly something there before introducing the children all into the picture. We waited a few months and everyone now gets along wonderfully.

How long have you been single? Only YOU know what is right for you. But if it were me and a man that I clicked with also had all the qualities I was looking for.. I wouldn't let him go without talking a lot about your mutual expectations. Just my two cents. Hugs to you, Jade

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
In reply to: ansm78
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 10:16pm
Well, it seems to me that he may just be a relationship type of guy. He met his wife in college and they married after they graduated. Oh, and he bought a fast car after they separated, so that may take care of the "wild oats" issue. I think he may just want to try again. I tend to be overly cautious of any new situation. Maybe it's the new mother thing. I also feel like he's a bit out of my league (highly succesful, in very good shape, 7 years older- I'm 26) and that makes me a little hesitant. I guess what I really want to know is what questions should I be asking him? What "warning signs" should I look out for? I just can't tell you how great this guy is (as far as I know). I just want to be careful, but I don't want to miss out on a great thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
In reply to: ansm78
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 11:00am
Wow-I feel for you--however what I have learned is anyone that is seperated and not divorced--or even too soon divorced is a hearbreak waiting to happen. Usually they have issues that are unresolved and there is always the slimist chance they could get back together--no matter how many times he tells you he hates her--done with her, etc. I've seen it several times. My question is-=-and one you should consider--after this long--why is there no divorce? And there is no excuse that he can give that would be right. If it's really over--then it should be over--I would consider that a huge red flag. Be careful!