So he called....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
So he called....
6
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 7:38am
My bf finally called me last night, what he had to say answered some of my questions but everything is still not figured out.

He told me that yes, he stopped talking to me because he needed some time to figure things out and somewhat get his life in order. He said he knew it was selfish to do what he was doing but he felt as if he had no choice.

He also told me that he didn't want to get my hopes up yet as he wasn't entirely sure of his feelings right now and wasn't sure what he wanted of our relationship either. He said that his head is a mix of emotions and thoughts and although 99% of him didn't think it was the right time to call, he still did. When I asked him why he called, he said again "I don't know."

I was rather proud of myself that I kept myself calm and everything he said about what he was doing or how he was feeling I responded with "thats ok I understand." When he asked me about how my life was going, I told him that it was going good, that things were hard there for a while but they were better now. And I was on my way to becoming a better, stronger, more confident and secure person. I think my reactions and some of my answers threw him off, but I felt good about how I acted.

So what's happening with us is still unknown, although I told him that I had faith and I knew what I wanted, all he really told me was "I don't know."

I also found out that he had been spying on me in a chat channel I hang out in, and when we were together I had told him that if he ever did that I'd end the relationship. And when he asked me how I felt about that I said, "I'm not going to tell you what to do anymore. You do what you feel you need to do because I have total trust in you." I think that surprised him.

He also said that he might call back in 2 or 3 days, and how I would feel about him not calling for a while. And again I surprised him by saying, "I've come to the realization that it doesn't matter if it takes 2 days or 2 weeks or 2 months for you to call. I have faith in this and in you and I know that eventually you will call." One of the things I used to do that bothered him is that I'd get mad at him if he didn't call everynight, do you think he was testing that?

Anyways, thoughts on this? Does it sound like he's thinking of coming back, testing the waters so to speak? Or what?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 4:46pm

I think this guy sounds like he has major doubts about whether he wants a serious relationship with you.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 11:56pm
It doesn't sound like he's thinking of coming back - at least not any time soon. Nothing he said gave me that impression. It sounds like he's feeling somewhat guilty about keeping you hanging, but is still fairly certain he doesn't want to come back. And that's probably because he doesn't want to go back to the way it used to be - you needing constant reassurance of his devotion, not just because you insisted on a nightly phone call. Sure he was surprised by your calm answers to him. Wasn't it only a week or so ago that you were calling constantly and leaving distraught messages for him? Didn't you act insecure and afraid he would leave throughout your relationship? It's likely that he doesn't trust that the new you is the real you. There's still nothing you can do except go on with your life. If you want to wait for him to come back or tell you it's over, then do so. If you don't want to wait, then end it yourself. You'll be helping yourself tremendously when that confident secure person you showed him you could be is the one you are all the time. When that happens, you won't need reassurance from him or any other guy you end up dating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 12:30am
No idea, no telling what is going on in his head. I would suggest that you plan on going solo for a while, spend some time healing and looking after yourself.

If he does not know what he wants, he does not deserve what he has... or had.

A guy I dated a long while back... I used to get mad at him for not calling every night. For a while I beat myself up for wanting that. He thought I was needy and clingy, and I believed him, believed that I was wrong. Later, older and wiser, I realised, no, I was not wrong. Daily contact was a need I had at the time, so what if he or anyone else thought I was needy or clingy.... I have since become more centered and don't need daily contact. I still feel that it is important to honor your needs. For whatever reason, you have them.

If your partner can't honor and respect your needs, maybe he's not right for you.

You now have time and space to decide if he is right for you. The fate of your relationship is not entirely up to him, ya know.

A~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 3:26pm
I need to vent... or ask for more advice... or something so please bear with me. Understand that I do want to try to make this relationship work with him, which is why I held out hope for so long, which is why I tried to give him space when he seemed to need it but he says he doesn't know what he wants anymore... I'm starting to question if this is worth it.

So I talked to him that night, and again the next afternoon. He was acting like everything was back to normal, he even asked me if he could read something of his to me, and when I commented that he had talent he said "aww thanks baby". Needless to say, I was filled with mixed emotions.

That night he didn't call, but I ran into him in that chatroom I mentioned earlier, I ended up messaging him to confront him about exactly what it is that he wanted from us. He again just told me, "I haven't decided anything." He went on to start acting like nothing was wrong again, asking me if I wanted to listen to his new music piece which I did. I shouldn't of but I did. And then I told him that I couldn't keep trying to act like everything was normal because it wasn't. He said he understood and he stopped messaging me.

Why the hell is he doing this??? How could you care for someone and then put them through this?? I'm so lost at this point, and I had come so far in healing these past few weeks and now I feel like I'm back at the beginning again. What should I do? What should I tell him? He says he hasn't decided anything, and he may not for a long while, so should I be patient or just say to hell with it? I mean isn't the fact that he's trying to communicate again mean something? *sigh* Please advise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 4:01pm
Hon, the problem is that he has all the power, and you have none. Do you realize that you have given up your power to him? He calls all the shots - he decides if and when he'll call, he decides to keep you hanging, he decides not to decide. Granted, he left for reasons that have to do with your behavior, but that doesn't mean that what he's doing now is fair or right.

You, on the other hand, simply wait - but not happily. You don't have a say in anything. You can't call him, you can't make him decide, you can't get him to behave the way you want, and the minute you object to anything he disappears. You can't call a single shot. You are completely subject to whatever he decides or refuses to decide. It doesn't have to be that way. You can take back your power at any time. But that means you have to end it. As long as you're not willing to do that, you will not move forward, you will just keep going around in circles until he makes a decision. If you want to get off this merry-go-round, take the leap. That's all you can do.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 4:34pm
I think the same advice I gave to socofus below applies to your situation. You should send him an email asking him not to contact you unless and until he makes up his mind that he wants to be in a r'ship with you.

Then in the meantime you need to start moving on. For your own sake, you need to assume it's over.

Sheri