So he called....
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So he called....
| Tue, 09-07-2004 - 7:38am |
My bf finally called me last night, what he had to say answered some of my questions but everything is still not figured out.
He told me that yes, he stopped talking to me because he needed some time to figure things out and somewhat get his life in order. He said he knew it was selfish to do what he was doing but he felt as if he had no choice.
He also told me that he didn't want to get my hopes up yet as he wasn't entirely sure of his feelings right now and wasn't sure what he wanted of our relationship either. He said that his head is a mix of emotions and thoughts and although 99% of him didn't think it was the right time to call, he still did. When I asked him why he called, he said again "I don't know."
I was rather proud of myself that I kept myself calm and everything he said about what he was doing or how he was feeling I responded with "thats ok I understand." When he asked me about how my life was going, I told him that it was going good, that things were hard there for a while but they were better now. And I was on my way to becoming a better, stronger, more confident and secure person. I think my reactions and some of my answers threw him off, but I felt good about how I acted.
So what's happening with us is still unknown, although I told him that I had faith and I knew what I wanted, all he really told me was "I don't know."
I also found out that he had been spying on me in a chat channel I hang out in, and when we were together I had told him that if he ever did that I'd end the relationship. And when he asked me how I felt about that I said, "I'm not going to tell you what to do anymore. You do what you feel you need to do because I have total trust in you." I think that surprised him.
He also said that he might call back in 2 or 3 days, and how I would feel about him not calling for a while. And again I surprised him by saying, "I've come to the realization that it doesn't matter if it takes 2 days or 2 weeks or 2 months for you to call. I have faith in this and in you and I know that eventually you will call." One of the things I used to do that bothered him is that I'd get mad at him if he didn't call everynight, do you think he was testing that?
Anyways, thoughts on this? Does it sound like he's thinking of coming back, testing the waters so to speak? Or what?
He told me that yes, he stopped talking to me because he needed some time to figure things out and somewhat get his life in order. He said he knew it was selfish to do what he was doing but he felt as if he had no choice.
He also told me that he didn't want to get my hopes up yet as he wasn't entirely sure of his feelings right now and wasn't sure what he wanted of our relationship either. He said that his head is a mix of emotions and thoughts and although 99% of him didn't think it was the right time to call, he still did. When I asked him why he called, he said again "I don't know."
I was rather proud of myself that I kept myself calm and everything he said about what he was doing or how he was feeling I responded with "thats ok I understand." When he asked me about how my life was going, I told him that it was going good, that things were hard there for a while but they were better now. And I was on my way to becoming a better, stronger, more confident and secure person. I think my reactions and some of my answers threw him off, but I felt good about how I acted.
So what's happening with us is still unknown, although I told him that I had faith and I knew what I wanted, all he really told me was "I don't know."
I also found out that he had been spying on me in a chat channel I hang out in, and when we were together I had told him that if he ever did that I'd end the relationship. And when he asked me how I felt about that I said, "I'm not going to tell you what to do anymore. You do what you feel you need to do because I have total trust in you." I think that surprised him.
He also said that he might call back in 2 or 3 days, and how I would feel about him not calling for a while. And again I surprised him by saying, "I've come to the realization that it doesn't matter if it takes 2 days or 2 weeks or 2 months for you to call. I have faith in this and in you and I know that eventually you will call." One of the things I used to do that bothered him is that I'd get mad at him if he didn't call everynight, do you think he was testing that?
Anyways, thoughts on this? Does it sound like he's thinking of coming back, testing the waters so to speak? Or what?

I think this guy sounds like he has major doubts about whether he wants a serious relationship with you.
Start
If he does not know what he wants, he does not deserve what he has... or had.
A guy I dated a long while back... I used to get mad at him for not calling every night. For a while I beat myself up for wanting that. He thought I was needy and clingy, and I believed him, believed that I was wrong. Later, older and wiser, I realised, no, I was not wrong. Daily contact was a need I had at the time, so what if he or anyone else thought I was needy or clingy.... I have since become more centered and don't need daily contact. I still feel that it is important to honor your needs. For whatever reason, you have them.
If your partner can't honor and respect your needs, maybe he's not right for you.
You now have time and space to decide if he is right for you. The fate of your relationship is not entirely up to him, ya know.
A~
So I talked to him that night, and again the next afternoon. He was acting like everything was back to normal, he even asked me if he could read something of his to me, and when I commented that he had talent he said "aww thanks baby". Needless to say, I was filled with mixed emotions.
That night he didn't call, but I ran into him in that chatroom I mentioned earlier, I ended up messaging him to confront him about exactly what it is that he wanted from us. He again just told me, "I haven't decided anything." He went on to start acting like nothing was wrong again, asking me if I wanted to listen to his new music piece which I did. I shouldn't of but I did. And then I told him that I couldn't keep trying to act like everything was normal because it wasn't. He said he understood and he stopped messaging me.
Why the hell is he doing this??? How could you care for someone and then put them through this?? I'm so lost at this point, and I had come so far in healing these past few weeks and now I feel like I'm back at the beginning again. What should I do? What should I tell him? He says he hasn't decided anything, and he may not for a long while, so should I be patient or just say to hell with it? I mean isn't the fact that he's trying to communicate again mean something? *sigh* Please advise.
You, on the other hand, simply wait - but not happily. You don't have a say in anything. You can't call him, you can't make him decide, you can't get him to behave the way you want, and the minute you object to anything he disappears. You can't call a single shot. You are completely subject to whatever he decides or refuses to decide. It doesn't have to be that way. You can take back your power at any time. But that means you have to end it. As long as you're not willing to do that, you will not move forward, you will just keep going around in circles until he makes a decision. If you want to get off this merry-go-round, take the leap. That's all you can do.
Then in the meantime you need to start moving on. For your own sake, you need to assume it's over.
Sheri