He won't marry; should I move in?
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He won't marry; should I move in?
| Tue, 09-07-2004 - 5:51pm |
I am in love with a wonderful man who, in our 3-year relationship, has brought much joy into my life. After we’d been together for about six months, I was pretty sure that he was The One. I still am.
One little catch: I’m now 31 and I’d like to get married and start a family. He’s 37 and is Not Ready.
I’ve tried hard to be patient and respectful of his need for time and space. I understand a lot of his reasons (family history, etc.) for being quite hesitant about making a life-long commitment. I appreciate the seriousness and reverence with which he approaches the whole idea.
I don’t want to pressure him into something he doesn’t want and, as I’ve said to all the many, many, many people who’ve asked when/if we’re ever getting married, I’d rather have him ask me because he loves me and wants to be with me than because I’ve bullied him into it.
But I guess I’m getting ready to give up. The reality is that we are no closer to getting married now than we were when we first started dating.
He has, however, expressed some willingness to have us move in together (that would be me, moving in to his place). This is not exactly what I wanted in life, especially since it’s really my biological clock that’s an issue, not my ability to pay rent. But I wonder if I should take him up on the offer simply because it’s the only one he’s been able to make.
I think that I would rather live my life with him in it, even if that means possibly not having a family. I’ve dated A LOT in my time and, having seen what’s out there, I choose him.
Still, there’s a lingering sadness attached to this. Agreeing to move in with him feels like it might be giving up.
One little catch: I’m now 31 and I’d like to get married and start a family. He’s 37 and is Not Ready.
I’ve tried hard to be patient and respectful of his need for time and space. I understand a lot of his reasons (family history, etc.) for being quite hesitant about making a life-long commitment. I appreciate the seriousness and reverence with which he approaches the whole idea.
I don’t want to pressure him into something he doesn’t want and, as I’ve said to all the many, many, many people who’ve asked when/if we’re ever getting married, I’d rather have him ask me because he loves me and wants to be with me than because I’ve bullied him into it.
But I guess I’m getting ready to give up. The reality is that we are no closer to getting married now than we were when we first started dating.
He has, however, expressed some willingness to have us move in together (that would be me, moving in to his place). This is not exactly what I wanted in life, especially since it’s really my biological clock that’s an issue, not my ability to pay rent. But I wonder if I should take him up on the offer simply because it’s the only one he’s been able to make.
I think that I would rather live my life with him in it, even if that means possibly not having a family. I’ve dated A LOT in my time and, having seen what’s out there, I choose him.
Still, there’s a lingering sadness attached to this. Agreeing to move in with him feels like it might be giving up.

It doesn't mean you can't have kids, or buy houses....it does mean that you have to cover yourself legally if you choose to do those things outside the boundary of matrimony for your own protection.
But if him, as he is, in your ilfe is something that you want over and above "a commitment, a ring, a ceremony" - then live with him.
Don't live with him thinking "it'll make him want more" - that is exactly opposite quite likely. It'll give him precisely what he wants and desires and thus "more" will now be a non-issue.
But don't think that moving in or not is going to split the blanket. IF you want to move in wtih him - do it. Talk about how bills wil be paid, chores will be divided, and go in adn be his roommate and bed buddy.
You could easily be his partner for life without a ring or his last name and be perfectly content....as could he.
If "marriage" as an institution has significance to you outside of the legal stipulations - then really consider if "living with him for eternity" is good enough to make you resent him for "not wanting to marry".
Examine why your heart wants what is wants...and find out if you've got some irrational or unrealistic things attached so taht what your heart is wanting as defined by outward boundaries - it's really already got on the fundamental level.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
're a wonderful gf, and being closer to him, and showing him how happy you are to be with him, and wake-up next to him in the morning, and what a joy you are to live with sould really make him stop and think "this is really nice, i could definetly do this for the rest of my life, i'm gonna ask her to get married". that's my opinion. hope things work
-rosabella77
Only move in, if you have fully accepted he may never ask you to marry him and you are okay with being his girlfriend forever.
You've decided that he's the one and being an eternal GF might be acceptable to you, yet it feels like giving up. There's a huge chance that five years down the road it'll be intolerable to you, and then you'll be 36 thinking time's running short to find another good man, especially since the pickings get slimmer the older you get. Maybe he is the best man you can find, but even the best guy can turn into the worst when he won't meet your essential needs or desires. I'd set a timeframe for a real commitment, and then look elsewhere if it's not met. If you don't want to do that, at least wait until he acts a whole lot more eager about the idea of you moving in with him.
That's my take on this... ultimately, do what you think is best for you.
A~
1 - What does marriage mean to you?
2 - What do you need to have accomplished or established in your life BEFORE making the committment to marriage?
3 - How important is building a family to you and why?
4 - In what time frame do you see yourself wanting to start building a family?
5 - What do you need to have settled in your life before you are free and willing to start a family?
6 - What other life goals do you have and want to pursue over the next 1 to 5 years?
7 - What do you need a committed partner to do for you in your relationship?
8 - Can you achieve any of the above without marriage?
These are all very important questions that I think all couples must consider before entering in to marriage. These are fair and reasonable questions for you to ask your BF as long as YOU also take responsibility in answering them completely from your point of view.
Recognize that some of these questions will take serious thought and consideration. Don't expect immediate, clear and concise answers when you ask these of your BF. You may want to show him these questions then agree to take 2 weeks to consider them and then get together one day to table your answers. I honestly believe that your answers will help guide you both. You will see where you have common ground and where you can consider compromise.