HELP:Guy shows up at 2.30am, leaves note

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
HELP:Guy shows up at 2.30am, leaves note
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Wed, 09-08-2004 - 12:37pm
Hi,

I posted a few weeks back about a guy I met in a bar - we hit it off and he called me all week - we went out, and we did spend the night together. I didn't regret it, I thought he was a decent guy though a bit odd - and he said he'd call me... I never heard from him. I left one voice mail and one text message over the next week but he didn't reply. 12 days passed, and last night I was awoken in the middle of the night by 3 phone calls. It was him. He was actually sitting in his car in my driveway calling me on his cell phone! He didn't admit he was sitting there, but was fishing around to 'stop by'.. saying he had been out of town and just getting back... it's on the way past my house, blah blah. I pretended not to know he was in my driveway by playing dumb.. told him I had to go back to sleep because I'm working the next day (tuesday night!!) and then my doobell rang about 10 times.. I then heard a car drive away. I was really scared.

The next morning when i went outside I found a note he left on the door saying he stopped by to say hi...

Should I call this guy and express my dislike for what he did last night and clarify if I might have given him the wrong idea? I'm sure he was looking for a booty call but I don't want this to happen again. It was so inappropriate.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 12:53pm
Do not call him again. What you want to do in this case is just keep turning down his calls and don't answer the door if he shows up there. You did the right thing, especially if you DON'T want to be just a booty call to some guy. After a few attempts, he will get tired of trying and move on.

Good for you!

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 1:13pm
Step back from this for a second - and you'll see the issue at hand.

You two met in a bar and had sex without knowing one another.

You were horny and wanted some - he was horny and wanted some.

What he has found is someone who has the same "priorities and standards" as him - by his way of reviewing the facts.

You don't seem to be bothered by having sex in order to have personal physical gratification with someone you don't know. That's not a slant...it's just his way of reviewing what you two did that first night.

He's now going "okay, here's someone that thinks like me - when they want sex without obligation or communication, they go get it."

As you both well know.....going out these days to anywhere and trying to "get that need met" - is less likely to be a reality without some sort of personal interaction. There's disease out there.

HIV/AIDS has made FWB a "de riguer" requirement of life for those without a partner.

So he's found someone that is a "guaranteed source of physical gratification" - that you're not seeking more or requiring more, and that if either of you want "some" - there is this option to do this with one another that doesn't involve pretense or expense or communication.

You now want to say "I'm not that sort of girl, you have to date me in order to bed me, you have to respect me as a person in order to get access to me at all."

You can't believe that he'd buy it - no matter how you put it. You've already proven otherwise...the old saying talk is cheap but walk says it all - that's what you're up against.

You've already done what you're now claiming "you never do and won't do now"....he's already experienced you having "done what it is he's proposing".

He doesn't want to date, he's not looking for partnership or companionship - if he were that would have been prioritized over the sex the first night.

If you do want to continue to have a booty call option, just explain that you don't take those calls after 11:45pm. And then he'll be sure to call somewhere between 11:30 and 11:45 - so that you're aware that he'ss coming and can prepare yourself for some fun.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 1:45pm

I disagree with both Erin and Alison.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 1:57pm
Well, it's fine if she wants to say "don't call again because I didn't appreciate your lack of consideration"....but realize that she can't enforce him "not calling" except by not taking his calls.

I doubt seriously the man needs to be "told off" in any uncertain terms about his "inappropriate behavior".

Under the circumstances, what little they know of one another.....he considered it perfectly appropriate to approach her for sex at 2:30am.

All she's got to do...if she wants she can call and say that she's no longer available for booty calls.....is simply refuse any sort of contact and he'll easily go on his way.

People pursue what they want...he's pursuing no-obligation sex. The second he figures out he's hit a dead end, he'll go elsewhere.

Telling him....it's almost laughably hypocritical. She's basically telling him "what I did with you was a one time exception to my life rules and I am now regretting it".....even if that's true....nobody would believe it.

People's action are justified by their values. So most men, reasoning with facts vs. feelings, know that when they've pursued and gotten no-obligation sex - it's wasn't because "she was so beautiful, so exceptional, so delightful" - it's was because "I was horny and she was willing".

They're putting the apropriate emphasis on the primary party - themselves. Which is precisely what most women dont' do - they want to belive that "he" was so special, so exceptional, he made me feel so good I lost all control.....and she tries to sell that bag of used goods to the guy when he wants more no-obligation sex.

The men I know would laugh as she was talking....going okay, babe, I get it, you have to belive you don't do "casual sex" no problem, I'll find someone else."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 3:55pm
Erin,

Most of the time I agree with your advice. But in this case this man sounds *dangerous*. Showing up at someone's house at 2:00 a.m. to leave a note on the door is downright creepy. I'd call the cops and report a stalking incident. Don't bother calling the guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 4:35pm
Well, first please note I did say "don't call him" - the more contact there is of any sort the more likely he is to "attempt to get his way" (not violently per se) again.

Basically, understand what a booty call is...it's a "sex convenience store". IF a guy has several convenience stores he can go to - if one shuts down he's not out much. This was all about HIS gratification...just like for the woman it should have been all about HER gratification in the physical only sense.

So this guy showed up at one of his convenience stores at 2:30am for a quickie and found the lights off and the owner in bed. Okay, fine....notice he was THERE and he didn't get violent in order to get in and have his way.

He simply was letting her know via phone that he was "making his rounds" and was "in her vicinity" and could like to "drop by for a visit".

She turned him down....he likely won't be recontacting her.

Admittedly, back in teh day when I was a booty call and had a few guys of my own for that purpose...there was one guy who aparently had no other source of "no obligation sex". And he'd show up at 2:30am a little or alot drunk.....and naturally, he'd want "in" in every sense of the word. The first time it happened, someone knocking loudly at 2:30am scared me to death - I called the cops.....once they were there I stepped outside and was mortified to find my "booty call" being interrogated and his explanation that I was his "f(*k buddy" and I wouldn't let him in. Naturally, the cops told him to leave, unless I was willing to let him in...which I wasn't and he never showed back up anywhere in my vicinity - except at bars - where he avoided me like the plague. I believe he thought I had the upper hand in having called the cops, and refused him entry and he wanted no part of that - what he wanted was easy, fun, quick, convenient sex.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 4:54pm

OK, I agree with this...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 5:14pm
I personally would adopt the position that any contact with him is not going to happen at least by my personal choice or actions.

He doesn't believe he was out of line, or inappropriate, in dropping by at 2:30am for sex. It's that sort of "fact" that people tend ot overlook in an emotionally charged moment.

So, what he did - wasn't wrong, incorrect or inappropriate by his values and standards - it simply didn't get him the result he wanted to get - no obligation sex.

In light of the fact that I couldn't change his values that justify his actions...I'd want no further contact with him period, the end.

It wouldn't be "I don't want contact with you unless it's at a reasonable hour and for dinner as well as sex per my standards and criteria." I wouldn't want to try to force someone to a higher standard than they already hold...of course, i tried that in four marriages I know it doesn't work LOL!

So for me, I'd just never contact him again and I doubt she'll hear from him either.

I can see this from an objective stance......in being out in the driveway AND on the phone with her....he was "asking" before making his presence known. Particularly at that hour.

Had he simply walked up and knocked, wanting in and wanting sex....she likely would have called the cops first because of the lateness of the hour and her uncertainty as to who the caller was - like I did all those years ago. He wouldn't have had the opportunity to drive away, leaving a note saying "contact me if you wish" - after being turned down for a midnight ride by her.

Unlike the guy on my doorstep year ago - he wasn't insistent upon his "right" to a midnight rodeo ride. He simply was asking if he could have that privilege to satisfy his needs and when refused went quietly on his way.

Everything he personally did - that is factual in nature - his values required it of him. Nothing he did as far as I can tell exhibits any violent tendency, any entitled perception, or any dangerous response. However, that is one reason that today booty calls should be conducted in a meeting place - not in one's home.

Because when you usually choose a booty call candidate - it has nothing to do with thier character.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 5:25pm
No- dont call him. This is the typical late night fling. He shouldnt be contacting you again unless something is really not right with him. The more contact you have with him will give him reason to pull the same stunt again. You should know it is very disrespectful to stop by someones home late at night or call. So its better to be left alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 5:49pm

But he didn't "go quietly on his way."

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