first love

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
first love
9
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 1:20pm
There isn’t really a question in this post. It’s just hard to be in pain by yourself and not try to have the pain acknowledged. The only person I know that I really want to share the feelings with happen to be the cause of the pain, and somehow it feels unfair to dump all this on him when he already knows the only really important thing – that I really like him.

One of the problems with our whole “relationship,” if you can even call it that, is timing. I met this person right after I had decided to move to another city across the country. There was a month period (and maybe even four months if I had been willing to rescind my acceptance of a job offer) when I could have decided to stay where I was – and I thought about doing that because I have never felt so strongly about another person. But a month seems like such a short time on which to base a big decision, and I’ve never been one to take a risk. (If nothing else I suppose I’ve learned from this that sometimes the biggest risk you can take is not to take a risk.) He didn’t want a long-distance relationship, and I would never have asked for one anyway. But even though it makes no sense and is completely unfair, it still hurts – so much – to know that he didn’t feel strongly enough to think that this potential relationship is worth hanging onto. (I am sure he feels the same way about my decision to move, even though he went out of his way to not affect my decision....)

Sometimes I wonder why this particular person. Part of it is things I can’t even explain – the guilty way he smiles when he knows he’s just done/said something outrageous; the way he smells (this didn’t come out the way I intended, but he smells really good); the way he gets interested in the weirdest topics (like how to use an absolute phrase in a sentence) and can’t let go until he’s beaten the topic to death. But part of it I know very well. The way he makes me feel/act: less afraid of failure; with more perspective; less selfish. (Before I met him I didn’t really think it was possible for me to want happiness for someone else more than I want happiness for myself, or even to prefer spending time with someone else to doing things on my own. Maybe it’s arrogant, but I have never worried about whether I’d find someone who loves me, just whether I’ll find someone I love….) The way he is: able to feel intensely; going his own way rather than doing what’s expected; interested in everything; deeply thoughtful and insightful about his own life and the world around him; able to see the best qualities in people; trying so hard to live an examined life. Ability to feel intensely: is it funny to say that one of the things I like about him, even though it also hurts me sometimes and probably affected my decision to not stay more than it should have, is how much he loved/loves his ex-girlfriend and how he still feels an enormous sense of loss and sadness about that relationship? Seeing the best in people: I am sure he’ll disagree with this characterization of himself, since he thinks he’s cynical. It’s true that when we debate in the abstract I am always the liberal bleeding heart. But – and this probably says something not very complimentary about myself – when it comes to an actual, individual person, he always seem to appreciate/enjoy the person much more than I am able to.

So – what’s the purpose of this post? I think just to get this out of my system and to have a record of how I felt. My friends keep telling me that a year from now I’ll look back and wonder what I saw in this person. Maybe that’s true. Is it weird to say though that the thought of that – that I wouldn’t remember how I felt and what I saw in him – is almost more painful than the thought that I would still be in pain about him a year from now? I know I need to let go, and I think I can, but just until tomorrow I want to let myself feel as much pain as I want….

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: boston_ca
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 3:50pm
boston ca...

"Feeling pain" for one day is okay. ALL of us need at least one day to do all our crying and make the attempt to get our lives 'back on track!'

Try not to go beyond 5 days though......okay?

Pianoguy wishes he could buy you a cup of coffee (we're both reside in New England), but if you need to chat with another man about your situation...I'm here to listen. .

In the meantime, I'm sending you a few hugs this afternoon...cuz I know you'll eventually get past the hurt. :)

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
In reply to: boston_ca
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 10:12am
Thanks for the hugs pianoguy. I was just thinking that when I think about this person sometimes I smile and sometimes I get teary-eyed, but that I smile more often than cry. So that's got to be a good thing, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
In reply to: boston_ca
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 1:09pm
I can empathize completely...my best friend and I are going through a rough situation based on bad timing, and the only thing I can focus on is how much everything is hurting me. But I did something totally out of character for me (or women in general) and that's let him have his space. I've told him that I think its best, he agreed, and he'll be the one to contact me when he works through his stuff. What am I doing in the meantime besides going completely crazy? Relying on as many friends as I possibly can...and trusting in my heart. I got really good advice: follow your heart and not what another person thinks you should do. Take some time to listen to yourself and your emotions, and get to know yourself. I'm waiting for my guy because I came to the conclusion that he is my heart and we have been through way too much together. Friends even say our souls are twisted together. The best thing I did was sit down and write everything I love about him (got 4 pages full!) because he is questioning the why part of it. He has the list now, and plans to open it at a later date. Initially, the list was made for me, but I think it's going to be beneficial for him to see it and the ending sentence of to be continued...Even if you never send yours, it helps you see all the things you did love about him, and if he's not the one, you can see a picture of qualities you love in a potential person. Make sense? Can I ask how old you both are and how long you've known each other?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
In reply to: boston_ca
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 6:03pm
I am in my late twenties; he's in his early thirties; and we've known each other for about 7 months.

I don't think I have known this person long enough to really say what you are saying about your best friend (e.g., that our souls are twisted together). I think what I am in mourning for is the potential of the relationship or even just of friendship in the same city -- the dinners we'll never make, the debates and the fights we won't have, the movies we won't see and dissect together, the weird conversations that I'll miss in my life, the chance I won't have to roll my eyes at his goofball antics. (I am sure I'll keep on being friends with him, but long-distance friendship, like long-distance relationship, doesn't seem nearly as satisfying.)

I am not crowding him -- and I can honestly say that I would be so glad if he finds his happiness with someone else. I do cry sometimes when I dwell on something that could have been really good. I am trying not to focus too much on the "what if's" though -- too much living on hope or regrets probably isn't good for me. And I must say that sometimes I feel a sort of perverse gladness that I feel hurt. I told him once that I must be really lucky, because I've never been hurt before. He agreed that I've been really lucky if I have loved and never been hurt, but that I've been really unlucky if I have never been hurt only because I've never loved anyone before. I think he's right, and I truly feel I am luckier now than I was before I met him. (Just to show how oblivious I am to the whole romance thing, when I was agonizing whether to stay where I was and talked to my friends about the situation, the first thing they said was, "This isn't you talking; you are the one who makes gagging noises when we watch romantic comedies.") I don't think I am going to do anything in particular about my situation -- I am going to just live and see where life takes me.

You sound like you are having a rough time but handling it well. I truly, truly wish you all the luck in the world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
In reply to: boston_ca
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 5:35pm
It's weird. Most days I am perfectly fine. I go about my business. I enjoy being back in a city I love. I even feel really brave thinking/saying that I am not going to live on hope or regret. Then all of a sudden I get so sad and lonely.

When is he going to stop being the last thing I think about before I fall asleep? When will I stop thinking "I've got to tell him this" when something interesting happens in my day? When is my heart going to stop jumping every time I hear the phone ring, because I think it might be him? When am I going to stop being completely uninterested in someone my friend wants me to meet just because the person doesn't have the same smile? When am I going to be normal again? Can I just get over this if I put my mind to it? Can someone please just hit me over the head and tell me to stop being so self-indulgent? I am really usually more level-headed than this. Honestly....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
In reply to: boston_ca
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 9:02pm
Wow!! I don't know how to make you feel better at all. I could tell you that you will be over it in a month or three months. However, if you have fallin in love with this guy, I don't know how long it will take. Where did you live and how far away did you move from this guy?

I have been carrying a torch for someone since last November. I was just like you before. I had guys interested in me but no one really ever caught my eye to the extent this guy did. I used to gag at people being all lovey dovey chirpy whirpy. Ick!! Now when I see them I get so depressed. He lives 2 hours away from me and his job has him away most of the time. I would never let inconvenience get in the way of a lifetime of happiness. Maybe you do need to tell this guy how you feel. He may be just as bummed as you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
In reply to: boston_ca
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 10:35am
Sassafras, thanks for your response. I pretty much moved across the country (from the West Coast to Boston). (Plus he is going to move out of the country in two weeks for an indefinite period for work reasons.) I know what you mean about seeing public displays of affection. Before, I used to roll my eyes. Now seeing people holding hands on the street makes me happy in a sad kind of way. I don’t know how old you are and whether you like old movies, but there is one scene in The King and I (with Deborah Kerr and Yul Brynner) where the character sings this song called Hello Young Lovers. It goes, “Hello young lovers whoever you are; I hope your troubles are few; All my good wishes go with you tonight; I've been in love like you.” That pretty much sums up how I feel when I see these college kids (and there are a ton of them in Boston) walking down the street together. (I don’t mean to make myself sound ancient – I really am not. :-)

It’s not inconvenience that’s preventing a relationship but how the other person feels. He feels that we haven’t known each other long enough for him to want to commit to a bi-coastal relationship, much less an international one. And I can see his point of view. Seriously, he and I have discussed this ad nauseum, and he is bummed, just not as much as I am…. (I am probably being unfair here, but hey, it’s my post, I am entitled to be unfair.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
In reply to: boston_ca
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 10:46am
How ironic. My guy came down south from Boston. He lives 2 hrs from me and has been gone all summer with his job. I don't even know if he will contact me when he gets done mid-October. It's hard. The less I have seen him and talked to him though it has gotten easier. Just took me about 5 months.

However, I don't like when people overanalyze what they feel and bring logic into it. If you fell in love with this guy after one night, it shouldn't matter how long you have dated. Follow your heart and go with it. You may not feel like that again. Then again, who knows what lies around the corner. Listen to yourself and I hope you find happiness whatever happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
In reply to: boston_ca
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:10pm
If I ever stop posting on this board I'll know I have really gotten over this guy.... This is sort of my therapy, I guess -- pretty convenient and a heck of a lot less expensive than actually seeing a therapist....

He left for Asia last week and won't be back for at least a few months. It was sort of painful because, even though we've been just friends since I left Cali, I could at least talk to him pretty regularly while he was in the U.S. We even managed to see each other a few times. I was so distracted on the day he was leaving that I couldn't focus on work at all. And when I called my best friend that day -- disappointed with myself that I had been so unfocused at work and sad about the guy's leaving, she told me I was a little pathetic. That she never realized that I had so little sense of self that I would let someone else affect my happiness so much. That I obviously liked the guy much more than he likes me, and that I should stop trying to hang onto something that isn't there. Funny, I didn't think I _was_ hanging on.

Sigh. Sometimes I really wish I hadn't decided to leave Cali. (On the other hand, if I haven't I wouldn't be witnessing first hand the greatest comeback in baseball history. How can anyone not have faith or believe in miracles when the Red Sox is your home team?)