Enagement /move in mix up

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Enagement /move in mix up
5
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 10:30pm
Ok I need some serious advice. This is a bit long so here goes. I am 23 my boyfriend is 27.We have been together for about 7 months. He owns a single family home.

Sometime within the first 2 months we were dating he basically asked me if i would like to move in one day when he got the house togther(he is remodeling it). I said yeah and that was the end of the convo. He began asking me for advice on the house like floor plans,colors of tile, etc all the time saying well if you are going to eventually move in you should help me pick this stuff out now so you dont hate it later.Me LOVING design like I do and loving him happily went along with it. Lately I am begining to realize that I am not comfortable picking out furniture with him and basically telling people we are moving in together without us being engaged.(P.S. the house isnt even close to being livable lets say in maybe 6 months it will be almost completely done) I dont know if you would call this old fashioned but for myself I would like to be engaged, wait at least 3-6 months, pick out house and probably move in before the wedding. This whole time we have been together its kind of like I knew that he wanted to marry me get engaged to me etc but whenever I began to talk about something remotely close to the topic of engagement he would say just trust me i want to do things right for you bc you deserve that, do things the right way. Well I didnt realize how much it had been bothering me until the other day i was talking to my mother about the cabinets we were picking out for "our" kitchen and she asked exactly what is going on there? ANd i began to cry the reason being...I want my engagement! So I went to my boyfriend to try to talk to him about things but somehow they came out wrong and now he thinks i want to move in right now! He knows my parents would only respect me moving in with someone if i was engaged to them and that was basically the only part of engagement we spoke about during our convo. Im afraid by accidentally comitting to move in early I have taken away from the true meaning of getting engaged. I dont want him to get me a ring just so I can move in. I dont a ring that says will you move in with me?

Please help me turn this around into what I want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 11:13pm
If you don't feel comfy this deal of "moving in without being engaged" what are you waiting to clarify it all? The worst thing that can happen is that he tells you "we're not engaged but if you want you can come live in MY house" OR "we're not going to be engaged any time soon". After you hear his answer YOU can decide what to do. His dancing around things are a red flag...perhaps he wants to enjoy the benefits of the relationship without a serious commitment. I agree with you, I'd never move in with my BF without being engaged. It can become an "indefinite long term relationship".
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 11:15pm
He sounds as if he's moving too fast for you. I've met a few guys like this and they all were scared to be alone and had some issues with a woman having her own independence (ie fear of abandonment)so they gripe at a woman protesting against his ideas. Hopefully this will not apply to you, but for your well being, be forwarned. Bottom line: Don't move in before you're engaged b/c your heart is telling you not to....and not to mention there is a greater risk of not making it down the aisle when you are still feeling out the earlier stages of a relationship. Tell him that all this stuff is too big a gulp to swollow and that you need to grow into the relationship more gradually. Tell him what things you like as far as design goes but leave the final deciding up to him. Otherwise it would be a bit like getting a tattoo of your man's name - a really bad idea because if you broke up you'd have to live with it. Your ideas would be splashed all over HIS house if you did break up. Bad news. If this boy really cares about you, he won't be so hasty to corral you in his stables to stave off his insecurities (well if this is what is motivating him tho). And if he starts throwing a hissy-fit over it like "well aren't you in with me on this or not?" then he's bad news. You should never put the cart before the horse. Don't let him force you into a relationship where you have to "act" engaged (ie moving in, decorations, premature commitment) before you're anywhere near to knowing if he is Mr. Right. Do what your gut is telling you. If it hurts a little, then slow down with him. And "tough" if he simply cannot handle it. Stick up for your well being first. Be strong in knowing who you are, what you want, and don't "cave in" for any guy (meaning don't go against your values) because you will regret it later guaranteed. Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 11:20am
Thanks for the advice. I like what you said about give him design advice but let him do the final deciding. I think I am just going to not say anymore to him about the house, moving in, design, etc. I liked your tatoo analagy I can directly relate! :)

I think I forgot to mention the fact that I am studying to be an interior designer so Im sure I brought some of this on myself I got so caught up in it and was going full speed ahead.

I need to slow it down and back things up a bit and try to do it all without hurting his feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 1:04pm
Just be open and honest to him about your concerns and your feelings. Tell him that yes, you want to be with him, but you're a little weary of the timing. That you had pictured that you would be engaged and planning a wedding before you moved in with someone and that is something that you truly want to follow. If he's respectful and caring of you he will work with you to alleviate your fears. Just make sure that you let him know that you do love him and want to be with him, reassuring him of your feelings while bringing up your own insecurities.

If you two are meant to spend the rest of your lives together, then there should be no rush, right?

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 2:47pm
I have an excellent suggestion.

Your boyfriend keeps saying "I'll do right by you, you deserve it."

Simply tell him that "right by you" by your standards and requirements is a ring on your finger, a date about 3 months away on the books, and a chapel booked before you move in.

Lots of engagements don't end in marriage.

Statistically speaking, more divorced couples lived together prior to marriage than those that did not.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com