Topic: moving in

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Topic: moving in
4
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 5:59pm
Just wanted to start a discussion here...

If you're in a relationship and things are going well, when would you consider moving in with the person? Do you wait until you're married, engaged? Do you wait a specific amount of months? Are there certain timeline events that have to happen? How long is long enough? How long is too soon?

Just wondering what people's opinions on the matter were. Also sharing experiences about when they moved in and how it did/ didn't work out.

I myself had moved in with a guy (my son's dad) after 2 weeks of knowing him. The reason I think was mainly to get out of parents house, I was 19. We lasted 5 years, with a lot of turmoil and a son. He was an alcoholic and a cocaine user, so after 5 years I had enough of trying to make it work, since he wasn't going to quit using/ drinking. We were engaged for 4 of those years, but everytime I mentioned actually setting a date, he would take off since he couldn't handle the stress.

Now of course, I don't want to live with anyone until I've been DOWN the aisle. LOL

But I would like to know others opinions on this matter.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
In reply to: alison
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 9:42pm
I'd move in with a my BF once we've got engaged and have set a date for the wedding, and not before. If we're dating we can live in our own places and spend a night or two at the other's place. IMO living together without an engagement and a date to marry could turn into a Long term relationship that goes nowhere, and after 5 to 8 years one would realize that "it's not going to happen".
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: alison
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 8:52am
Alison...

Pianoguy got an immediate "flashback" after reading your post. There was the memory of a 3.5 year 'live-in relationship'...buying a house with this woman...and the succession of pleasant and unpleasant events! We eventually split up...and I sold my portion of the house to the EX.

As far as moving in with somebody, I don't think there's a specific time frame. As in your case...many couples do it to ESCAPE from their parents and/or somebody who might be unpleasant! So I guess a couple can co-habitate in less than a month? Or the process might take a year or two? No 2 couples are completely alike. It boils down to surrendering your independence in exchange for companionship.

Unfortunately...you can get very tired (or bored) with the same person after awhile! The 'bells and whistles' you might have experienced during a 3-hour date often stop 'ringing'---and instead---you get to experience the good and bad parts of an S.O....every single day!!!

And you know something, Alison...

It's amazing how quickly a lot of those "bad parts" will CANCEL OUT an engagement or a wedding! As you know first-hand...many of us have discovered that TOLERATING a person's terrible habits isn't a fair exchange for the words: "I DO!"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
In reply to: alison
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 3:21pm
I'd consider moving in with someone after I'm engaged and the wedding is very near.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: alison
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 11:38pm
Def don't move in until marriage. The only reason is b/c I too, grew up with a crazy family and yes, wanted to get out -but on my terms. I dated men who wanted to move in with me but I felt that would create a completely different dependance that I didn't want stressing our relationship - and it would probably affect me more since men,more often than not, get very lazy and turn indifferent after a while..its just in their nature.

Marriage is hard enough but to live with someone w/o any commitment (a lot of people will say commitment is a state of mind, but if thats the case, why does City Hall exist and engagement rings?? LOL..) anyway, i know a lot of people do well living together or find out more about "the one" by doing so..but I don't think its healthy...friends of mine lived together for years before finally marrying and not only did their relationship break off many times..they finally set a wedding date out of pressure (b/c all friends around where "tying the knot"). Anyway, their marriage is now on the rocks..I believe it had a lot to do with the living together beforehand.