what happened here?
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| Sun, 09-12-2004 - 1:25pm |
I am still not sure if this is a break-up or his desire for time to be with his friends. I dont know. This all started last Wed night. Recently, I had given him a cell phone so he could talk to me at home, w/o his parents bothering him to use the phone, etc. (he still lives at home). We were supposed to have gone out of town this weekend. I called him a few times but he was asleep, I believe. The next morning, I called him at his house and we had a small arguement about why he did not pick up the phone. I then talked to him while he was walking to the train, and then he told me that he was having money problems, and that he didnt want to go away this weekend. I got upset at that because for the past two months, I had been working on the weekends and barely seeing him (I worked at the Ren Faire and saw him on and off at Faire each day). He got mad when I mentioned that I had not seem him alot. He told me that he never wanted me to work at Faire and that I only did it because of Tim (my gay ex/friend) and that was true. I did it to make some money and to also give John (my bf) some space. He then told me that he wasnt sure what he wanted and that he wanted to stay home, get some stuff done, hang out with his friends which he hasnt seen in a long time, and stuff like that. I then told him "I hope you are not trying to break up with me" because of I was mad about the trip. I never expected him to come back and said "maybe I am. I am not sure what is going on. I am so confused. I love you a lot but I am not in love with you anymore and i dont know why. The feelings were there before, but they are disappearing and I dont understand why". All he else said is I know I need some time with my friends, and I feel trapped and guys sometimes feel this way. His response floored me and we argued on and off some more. He tells me that he feels bad about this because he knows my heart has been broken before and now he is the jerk breaking my heart" I was shaking from all of this and crying and I could feel my heart breaking. I was devastated. I told him to call me later that evening.
For the whole day, I was shocked and confused about all this. I never saw this coming. We had just finished the Faire season and I had gotten my new costume and I took the last day off to hang out with him. It seemed like we had a great time. It seemed like he was happy with me. I never knew he was that unhappy about things.
I decided to call his mom in the afternoon, before he got off work, to see what was going on. I know she likes me because earlier in the year, around March, she had pulled me aside while her son was out and told me that she liked me a lot and thought that things would work out between me and her son becuase he was very much into me. She told me that she thought I was the one who whould help him grow up and mature, and that I should not be so nervous when he went out with his friends since he was really into me and he wasnt going to stray. I called his mom in tears. She was like ok, tell me what is going on and I will try to help you out. I told her what he said to me about how he did not know about his feelings for me, etc, and that he wanted to break up with me. She told me to calm down, have confidence and that this was not over. She told me that her son needed some time to hang with his friends and be by himself. She told me that her son still loved me a lot and she knew that because he always talked well of me around them and that he told her that he loved me. She said give him some space and things will be fine. She also told me that she would try to see what was going on, w/o prying. She said he will come around again and meanwhile, I should pick myself up, go out and buy some sexy clothes since men like sexy clothes and his son, like all men, sometimes need "bait" to get their "in love" feelings going again. She then told me to put some makeup on, wear some jewelry, etc. And she also said the relationships go through lulls where there is a time when the "in love" feelings fade and then come back again. One last thing she did tell me was that I had to stop talking about Tim all the time to my bf, complaining about him, and talking to Tim while out on dates with John. I have resolved not to because I love John very much and have decided that he is the one I want.
John did not call me that night. The next day, while I was at work, his mom calls me to tell me that John is coming with them to the farm. I then asked her how he was doing and she told me that she thought he felt guilty about what he had done to me. She told me that before he left for work that morning, he had mentioned to her that he probably should have called me the night before, but it got late. And from the way it looked to her, he seemed to feel some remorse about it. She told me that he will come back to me and that there is NO OTHER WOMAN. She tells me his son is very close to her and tells her everything, including the women he dates. She said, in his whole life, besides his major ex whom he dated for 7 years, I am the only other woman he has ever dated this long. All of his other gfs have lasted months or weeks and there havent been a lot of women in the past. She gave me hope and I am kind of leaning on that.
That night after his mom called me at work, John called me briefly. He told me that he felt bad about what was happeneing and he didnt understand why he was feeling the way he was since girls have dumped him before over feelings of love lost. He was sad about causing me so much pain and suffering and he told me that he missed me a lot. I then asked him if there was a way to start over again, and he said there was a major possibility but he wasnt sure and had to think about things. He then started crying and told me that he missed me a lot and he loved me a lot and I was so good to him and he could not understand why he was feeling the way he was. I told him that we needed to talk and he said he wanted to see me sometime this upcoming week. I then also asked him if he wanted me to come with him to his family reunion thing next weekend (his mom had asked me a long time ago to come and when I talked to her last, she expressed that she hoped that I would still be able to come). He told me that it should not be a problem. He then told me that he had to go because his friends were here and that he was going to go out with them and stay with them for the weekend and that he would call me sometime this weekend.
What hope do I have with this?

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It sounds like you are smothering him, giving him a phone so you can get in touch with him when you want, calling him when you thought he was sleeping and then getting into an argument for not answering. Sounds to me like the guy needs some space and you are on top of him questioning him.
Honestly I think you need to back off, stop talking to his mom. If you aren't adult enough to work on your problems with him, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. Calling his mom is very immature.
You sound very young and immature, and it's time for you to grow up!
I dont know what is going on. I am trying to get allies on my side to shore up this relationship. I dont want to lose John. I was just trying to understand what was going on, if anything. Also, since I knew that he was close to her, I was hoping that she could give me insight into dealing with him. I also knew she was out to help me because she called me at work the next day to tell me how John was doing and to tell me to keep my chin up since it was appearing that he was starting to feel guilty about what he did to me.
I am scared about everything and truly do want this to work out. I have spent the whole weekend crying on and off and crying to my mom. My parents are really worried about me since I dont eat much and right now, I havent taken my asthma medication in two days. I did go out shopping and got myself some new clothes, sexier stuff. John's mom thinks if I change my look a bit, it might help.
I am going to do anything to be able to keep this relationship including learning to like playing computer games again and maybe even playing Magic (a card game that teenagers are into). I dont want to lose this one since i never even saw it coming and dont know what I did wrong.
He didn't get with you to have obligations, responsibilities, requirements, decisions and commitments...he got with you to have the "appearance" of independence and adulthood by having fun, sex, and places to go and people to see.
He didn't get with you to deal with your health issues, to meet your needs, to listen to your insecurities, to help you "resolve your issues".
And now you're seeing the evidence of that. The man has offered you nothing but diversion and distraction....if you'd get self-esteem you'd realize it. You'll never get cohabitation or commitment or involvement from him than you have right now.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
He did call me on Friday and told me that he wanted to get together with me sometime this week. He hasnt called me since then.
What is it with immature guys? is this something a guy with a teenage mind does?
That's why he can't "commit" - that involves work, effort, sacrifice, requirement, and communication - none of which he does, all of which he avoids.
It's just that you're so "wanting him to be your salvation from singlehood and insecurity" that you can't see he'ss not "into you" unless you're offering him all sorts of ease, perks, benefits and options without any obligations.
Erin
quickblade14@hotamil.com
Why are you trying to change who you are for this loser? If he can't be into YOU for YOU, changing yourself to be what you think he wants isn't going to do anything except lose yourself and become miserable. You can't change him, you can't fix him and you shouldn't have to. He will have to grow up and mature on his own. He will have to learn responsibility and about relationships and being trustworthy on his own.
I think you should stop talking with his mother, as much as you think it's helping, it's not. She's not giving you good advice. And as close as you think they are, I doubt he's told his mother very much, teenagers don't talk openly with their parents- I know, I was one! They tell their parents enough to get them off their backs and leave them alone.
Sounds to me like this guy just wants to hang out and play with his friends. I think you should let him. You need to reconnect with yourself and your friends and stop identifying yourself as solely this guy's girlfriend. Stop talking to him for a bit, take some time to hang out with the girls and have some fun. I myself had a great thing with my high school boyfriend that just fizzled out, for no particular reason. Things just move on, and sometimes priorities change.
So stop focusing on him, and look at yourself.
Alison
Alison,
Such a good post!
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