No More Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
No More Sex
7
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 8:50am
I have been dating a new guy for about 3 months now. He is, hands down, the best thing that has ever happened to me, for so many reasons - a truly great guy. He's about 5 years younger than me and had just turned 21 around the time we started dating. When we met, he was a virgin. We had sex very quickly once we started dating. It was not until one week afterwards that he told me that he had been a virgin. He had been in a couple previous long term relationships - his reason for waiting to have sex had been his strong religious faith. Now, three months later, he has expressed to me that he feels guilty, is very worried, and might want to stop. I absolutely respect his opinion and I would never want to lose him. I am very confused and upset by this however. Not upset as in angry way, but upset in that I feel in some way I made him do something he had no desire to do. I also am not sure how one goes backwards in a situation like this. I have been sexually active for about 5 years. This new relationship has definitely been the best sex I have had, not just physically but, more importantly, emotionally. I can't imagine just suddenly stopping, especially for what could be for years. Just wondering if anybody had any advice on how to go about doing this ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 8:10am
Hello thenewguy!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 10:30am
Thank you so much ... My boyfriend and I have discussed this at length since my first posting ... We know that we will work through this ... He is very confused and I need to give him the time to sort things out ... Our relationship is wonderful, but it did move very fast. I definitely respect his needs and want to be there for him ... it will definitely strengthen our relationship to work through this together ... I am worried, though, about dealing with not having sex ... I realize there are other ways to be intimate and I hope that I will soon adjust to the no sex thing .... Any suggestions on how to make this transition easier?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 11:38am
First off- the age gap worries me. At 21, he hasnt been through enough trials and errors yet- you are much more wise to the world in the sex department and for that matter- "been there done that". It takes men alot longer to mature than women. Yes, religion is a huge factor- but why would he have sex(which it was his own personal decision dont blame yourself) if he was so religious. Your value system is different from his- which doesnt make his any better than yours- but this could clash later when he grows into "a man". Once hes taken that step in a relationship you just cant take that step back and pretend it never happened. Its not fair to you. So take time and decide whether you can weather it with him or you can find someone who will fit your needs and has also "been there and done that". It doesnt make you a bad person to want sex in your relationship- thats why god gave us the equiptment. You would be nuts not to have it- however evaluate what you want out of this relationship, and just know that with a guy his age he is trying to find himself right now and you already have. Hope I helped- stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 2:09pm
First of all, don't feel guilty for something he let happen. It takes two people to have sex, and if you didn't know about his being a virign due to his religious beliefs, then let that go.

Now, it's funny because the guy I have been seeing for two months tried the same thing with me. He was not a virgin when we met, but both of us were raised in strong christian homes and we know pre-marital sex is wrong is Gods eyes. When he told me he thought he wanted to wait, even after we had been doing it for quite some time, I was a little hurt. But I stood by it, and told him that I valued his request, and that I was more than happy to wait it out with him.

Well, it only lasted about 5 days. But I think that he really saw that I care about him and I respect him, and that I am willing to give up certain things if that is what he wants. Don't feel hurt or upset at his request to wait. I think it is a wonderful idea. I wish more people would wait until they were married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 4:25pm
Beerchick - It is nice to know that somebody else has had the same experience. My boyfriend has been doing the exact same thing that you've described ... We spend almost every night together and almost each night since he first brought up the "no sex" topic, he has had initiated sex with me. He will either stop himself or, I can see that he is uncomfortable, so I tell him it is okay if he does not want to do this. I know that he is confused right now, and this probably won't last long ... I guess I just need to give him the space and time to think things through. I do want to stand by him through this ... he means the world to me and, besides, it probably wouldn't hurt for me to learn from him ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 5:27pm
The guy is saying that "morally I believe it is wrong to have sex outside of marriage". That's a belief, it's a value system - it got overriden by situational opportunity.

But the "sex" is situational...the values/beliefs are pervasive and in every moment that he's not physically enjoying sex - he's beating himself for "enjoying sex." And truly - he's not enjoying sex to its full capacity out of guilt while in the act.

So, if you're not prepare to have the type of 'relationship' that people with his belief adn value and moral code do - break up.

Because most people I know that have this moral code and self-requirement - avoid serious making out, they avoid any types of activities that lead to heavy petting or intense physical interaction, they get to know one another intellectually, they bond emotionally out of respect and admiration for this person as an individual vs. "what you offer me as options, and how you make me feel about myself because of your desire for me".....and those relationships do tend to "last".

However...this guy is 21. He hasn't yet stepped out into the world and defined for himself what HE Believes and wants and values and prioritizes. He's been doing waht he's doing because of the rules, restrictions, requirements, and environments in which he's been raised, that he's still accountable to and that are providing for him.

So until he's self-actualized - he won't know what HE personally believes and wants, although you can almost guarantee that the apple won't fall far from the tree - after perhaps some initial rebellion.

So you might take into account that a guy that's 21 - isn't in a position emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, materially, or professionally to make a lifetime decision about a "mate". He lacks self-awareness and life experience.

He can only choose now partners based on waht he wants and needs and hasn't got.....or based on offerings and opportunities not usually available to him that he's always wanted to have.

And ifh e's NOT mature...what he's likely to do is inform his parents that he's been violating the house rules, and their religious beliefs and he's been having premarital sex. They'll take that one of three ways - they'll pursue him relentlessly to marry you now to "undo the sin of having premarital sex" (some people believe that if you get married anyway - that you "got started early" doesn't make as much difference). They'll tell him that he has to choose between you and them and whatever they provide vs. whatever you two can provide for yourselves. Or - along with being of Christian beliefs and morals, they're also blessed with intelligence and common sense. And they'll point out to him that it's his life, to do with as he wishes - but not IN their house with you. And that he has the right to choose, he can remain at home as long as YOU are not permitted on the premises and that YOU two don't have sex in their home...and that he needs to quickly begin to realize he's taken a huge adult "action" that has consequences in terms of the options they provide him with.


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
In reply to: thenewguy2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 5:43pm
Just hang in there if you really like this guy. Sex is so over rated and it ruins so many relationships. Honestly, I think it is a wonderful idea, and if I could go without it, like your boyfriend is doing I would quit too.