Not Sure What to Think?

Avatar for jax71868
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Registered: 03-28-2003
Not Sure What to Think?
7
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 10:49am
I have been dating Mr. Wonderful whom I met through my Parents Without Partners group. We were friends first and have been dating since January. He has all the qualities I'm looking for and I'm hoping he's the one (we've talked marriage but we're not rushing things). The problem? He's a bit of a flirt - which I can handle to some degree. The other problem? He is friends with another lady in our group - they dated a couple times in July of 2003 and she decided she didn't want to pursue anything further with him - they decided to be friends. However, when they get around one another at our group functions and it's like I don't exist. Two of my other friends in the group have said they don't trust her. My female instinct doesn't trust her either - especially when she's been drinking as she tends to get a bit wild. My boyfriend says he loves me and sees us having a great future together as do I. I trust him - but my female instinct is telling me not to trust her. Maybe I'm hung up on this because he tried to pursue a relationship with her. I've confronted him about the flirting before and he said they're just friends and nothing further would ever happen. I am trying to get past this and not be so insecure but it still bothers me - should I let it ride or confront him again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 12:41pm
I don't see what confronting him will do, it will just aggravate him that you don't trust him enough to believe him. The problem is not with him, it's with her. I think if there's anyone you should be talking to it's her. I think too, that just letting him know how this woman makes you feel will help and that when you are at the parties you feel a little left out.

I think you will need to just be a little aggressive with this woman to get her to back off. Chat her up, be in her face so that she can't be all over your man. Ask her if she's dating any men, and then you can casually drop in how long you and your man have been together now.

But really, I know what it's like to be with a flirt, they are like that with everyone though and you just have to trust them a little that they know who they're going home to. But I think honesty is the best, and let him know what does bother you.

Good luck,

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 1:50am
I think that if he were interested in making you comfortable in the relatioship that he would curb the flirting instead of telling you that nothing more will happen. I wouldn't 'confront' him about it. I would revisit the flirting and tell him that while you don't mind that they talk and enjoy a good time together, given their past, the flirting makes you uncomfortable and you need to be in a relationship with a man who puts your feelings, good and bad first. That's what I would do...but that's almost an ultimatum so don't go there unless you're willing to carry it through.

I have a question...is it her or everyone in his past that makes you uncomfortable? How is he with other women, flirty or just nice?

Avatar for jax71868
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Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 8:48am
I think the problem is just with her. While he does flirt with other female friends in our Parents Without Partners group, I know nothing further would ever happen as I don't get that female intuition bugging me as I do with this particular woman. Also, the ones he's flirted with are good friends of mine as well and have emphasized that nothing further would ever happen. In general, he's nice to women but not overly flirtatious. I think it's with our group that he's made some good friends (as have I) so he feels comfortable flirting within the group.

He does have a friend he met in college - they never had the opportunity to date as each was dating someone else. At his son's birthday party in July, he went over the top with the flirting with her as far as I was concerned -then we went to another party at a friends house where the first women I was talking about was there and the flirting continued. I was at my wits end by then with the all day and all night flirting with his women friends so at the end of the night, I really let him have it. So,the whole flirting thing has been in the back of my mind ever since.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 9:45am
Seems to me like he doesnt view your feelings as much of a priority.

Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 12:26pm
When your gut instict tells you not to trust another woman- its usually right. However, It wouldnt be the other woman who would act on her offering- it would be him. In turn, you dont trust him. What bothers me here is that when you are with the both of them- he acts like you dont exsist. THIS IS VERY DISRESPECTFUL! Communicate with him and tell him how disrespectful it is to you and in turn you are loosing trust in him due to his actions around you. Some X,s are funny- maliciously, they know they cant have something they once had at one time and move in for the kill because its a self-esteem booster for them to think they can have that again. Animals use body language to communicate to eachother and people loose that instict because we learn to verbalize our emotions but if you see through his body language and hers that something is wrong here- your usually right. So let him know how you feel- tell him you have to learn how to trust him because your loosing it fast. Hope things work out- stacy
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 12:14am
So the flirting has been bothering you for awhile...do you accept that this is who he is or not? Can you live with this and NOT get an ulcer, throw it in his face, etc? Because if you can't I'd walk out now. Getting him to change his behavior is not likely...at best, you can work on how you deal with the flirting, but getting him to change? That's a girl's biggest mistake. And even when he's got your wedding band on, it's not going to change...don't make that mistake either, that it'll be different when he marries.
Avatar for jax71868
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 3:02pm
I had lunch with my boyfriend today and we talked about the whole flirting thing. Basically, I asked him to consider my feelings when he does it. He said he doesn't want to do anything to hurt me. I felt much better. I also mentioned the lady friend and said I don't trust her - he said he understood why. I think we've pretty much cleared the air on this topic so we'll see how he behaves the next time were all together.