BF going thru bad time-will it end us?
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| Mon, 09-13-2004 - 11:27am |
Bob had dated several woman before we met, (and was sexually involved with some of them) but ours was his first serious relationship. We didn't rush into anything. We dated for about 3 months before we got exclusive/sexual. We are now both in love and hope to eventually marry.
During the course of our relationship, we have had the usual ups and downs. When they occurred, Bob often became particularly anxious. I attributed this mostly to the fact that he really wanted our relationship to work, and that he had not had a lot of serious relationships in his life because he was with the same woman for so long.
Recently, Bob is going through a very rough time. He had some physical problems over the summer, and is now having some rather severe emotional problems as well, many of which we believe are the result of frustration with the physical problems. Both Bob and I think all of this will eventually resolve, but it may take a few months. Meantime, Bob is becoming more frustrated, anxious and depressed. Over the last 2-3 weeks, he's broken down and cried several times. I have been there for him, and will continue to be there. I've reassured him over and over again that I am with him for the long term, have confidence that this will all eventually be over, and that I still have high hopes of having a future with Bob. And I do.
Here's the problem and the reason for my post (sorry it's so long). I'm now worried that, regardless of how much I love Bob, Bob is becoming so unconfident and even somewhat ashamed of his problems that he might eventually end our relationship. He's told me "no other woman has ever seen me like this" and I know it's true. A couple of times he's said something like "you don't deserve this" and that it's a shame I've never seen him at "his best". When Bob's physical (and accompanying emotional) problems resolve as I think they eventually will, will Bob get out of our relationship because I've "seen him at his worst"?
Guys especially ... please advise. I do love Bob and want a future with him. But I'm getting concerned about this. Can Bob get past this? Would you? Or will his pride cause him to break away from me eventually? Thanks for everyone's input.

This one is easy. "Bob" has to get his own house in order before he can "play house" with another woman. There might still be a little grief held over...due to the loss of his wife! Pianoguy occasionally gets "the weepies" when his thoughts go back to an EX who just "disappeared into the big city!"
I'd seriously suggest some therapy for Bob. You might HIS #1 FAN and HIS GREATEST SUPPORT SYSTEM, but a professional has to help him eliminate the demons...that You CAN'T
eliminate! .
I don't completely understand "the pride" reference at the end of your post. If Bob was truly proud of having a loving, understanding woman (like yourself) by his side...HE'D WAKE UP AND GET SOME HELP! Hopefully...you can convince him to do this?
Pianoguy
Thanks for your response. Bob IS getting professional help. From several doctors. Bob is seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Bob is also on medication. Bob is a doctor himself, by the way.
The pride reference was that I think Bob may feel a bit ashamed because he has cried in front of me a few times. He sees himself as strong and solid. And he *is* is strong and solid, and has been all his life, in his profession especially. So this time is very, very difficult for Bob.
Bob and I have both talked about/admitted to ourselves that Bob wasn't really ready for a "serious relationship" when I came along. We both realize it probably would have been better had we met a couple of years after we did. But Bob had strong feelings for me from the start, and I had strong feelings for him. And we fell in love, and both of us believe our relationship is very special.
Bob has also told me within the past 2-3 months that he now realizes he was looking for "a quick fix" in the beginning. Meaning.... someone to help him deal with life in general.
You are correct, I believe, when you say "There might still be a little grief held over...due to the loss of his wife!" I think there is, and I think even Bob realizes there probably is.
So the question I guess I have in the back of my mind is, Is this Bob's "transitional relationship"? All along I've felt it was not, and Bob didn't think it was, either. Bob told me from the start he was ready to move on and I truly believe he was. But now, I'm not so sure. What do you think?
Pianoguy would like to ask you a question...before answering yours, okay?
How do you think Bob would react if you requested you both take a 30-day break? Granted, he would probably be very upset...and would cry. But what if you sat down and calmly related the fact that you feel like you're "in competition" with his deceased wife?
Reassure Bob that YOU LOVE HIM and WILL SUPPORT HIM, but that he needs to "clear her out of his head" before the 2 of you can have a wonderful life together?
He might argue, become upset or swear that the '30-day separation' is ridiculous---but it'll do 2 things:
1. Give Bob the opportunity to let go of the past.
2. Give you a clear indication if your relationship together...is "transitional" or solid? Here's hoping it's SOLID!!!
Pianoguy
Only time will help.
Alison