Is he over it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
Is he over it?
2
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 8:00pm

I'm still struggling with an issue with my b/f. We have been dating well over a year now. When we first got together I wanted to be open and honest with him and I was however, getting to know him better, I learned some things and don't quite know what to do with it.

My question is, he constantly checks on his ex's dating site (lavalife, etc.) to see what she is doing and what she is up to. It's been over 2 years since they broke up! When they broke up, he harrassed her and stalked her. He has also written her a couple of emails asking for forgiveness because he feels bad about what he did to her and this was all while he has been with me. He claims that he needs closure on this issue, to have her just say that she forgives him and to see that he has changed. He says that he behaved badly and just wants to say sorry. It bothers me so much that he just can't let it go. Does anyone know why he's doing this? Is it really a closure issue? Please help me get a grasp on this.............

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 9:01pm

My first question is what did he "do" to her?

Aside from that, I see a lot of red flags. Usually people need "closure" when they are not over their ex. I he still needs closure and it's been two years, then he still has deep feelings for her still. His checking into her website to see what she is up to proves my theory.

His stalker-like behaviour is the byproduct of dysfunction. Do you really want to be with someone who has stalker tendencies?

The thing is when someone has moved on and is ready to date someone new, they don't need closure, they don't revisit their ex, they don't spy on their ex and they certainly don't try to get their forgiveness. This is a guy who is not ready to move on. He is still living in the past.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2005
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 5:41pm
His behaviour sounds very dysfunctional. If after 2 yrs he hasn't realized that sometimes you have to give yourself closure then he's messed in the head. So his excuse is he behaved badly so now he has to stalk to get closure?! WTF? He's STILL behaving badly, stalking and obsessing are not good things and definitely unattractive. Sorry sweetie but it sounds like you were just a rebound for him and he never got over his ex. I think there's a bit more to the story than you even know. I know if someone was stalking & harrassing me I would be blocking their email address and getting in contact with the police. If she's still in contact with him in any form she's as much of a freakazoid as he is. Some crazy people like the push-pull game. I dated a man who played this for some time until I smartened up and got the hell out. I suggest you cut your losses and start again with a man that is single and not stuck on his past baggage like this one is. The longer this drags on the more it will hurt you.