Dating a married man

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Dating a married man
10
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 4:21pm
Hi There-
I have been dating a man for a little over six months now- only problem, he's married. We used to work together and see each other every day, all day. I have since left the job, he is still there, and we are making it work. We talk of having children every day and even though we are not "trying" we are not being careful either- if it happens it happens. He tells me he does not love his wife- the passion is gone and the only reason he has not left her is because he needs her sponsorship to get a green card which is in the mail- of this I am sure- he has shown me all of the documents. I know this is not an appropriate situation and many must turn their noses up but my question is- even though there is a very large stigma attached to this type of relationship- if the connection is so strong- I cannot believe it will not work out- or am I just foolish?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 5:05pm

Unless they got married for green card purposes ONLY, and there was never any emotional attachment, you're in a really bad situation. You didn't indicate that this marriage was a total fake, so I'm guessing there was something romantic at one point. Please correct me if I am wrong.

You said the only reason he hasn't left her is because of the green card that's in the mail. Do they still live together? Is she aware that her husband is being unfaithful? Does she know the marriage is over and if so, has see agreed that it is OK to see other people? Based on the information you provided us, I think it is fair to assume you wouldn't be so worried if she had said it was OK to see other people.

I do believe that staying in this relationship would be a mistake. He is a married man, and unless I'm wrong about the assumption I made regarding their marriage, he is being dishonest and hurtful. I am amazed at how many women get into relationships where they are the "other woman" and expect it him to be different with them. Listen to this sentence... "He's stuck in that marriage and he was unfaithful to her because it wasn't the right relationship, and since our relationship IS the right one, he'll never stray." Blah. If he is lying to his wife, he will lie to you. Trusting him to be faithful would be foolish. You are worried that this might not work with you two, and I think you should stick with your gut. Get out now before you allow yourself to become more attached. But remember that I'm making this decision based on the assumption that their marriage wasn't just a green card stunt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 7:50am

You may receive better advice on your situation from the My Affair Support board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 12:19pm
IMO, this guy is playing you and he's playing his wife for the green card. He's taking advantage of this situation. He is married and he is having an affair with you. Hon, you're not dating him, you're having an affair and he's commiting adultery. The kids thing and such is to keep you interested. See, as soon as he gets his green card, which can take more than a year, he'll probably move to another woman. Why stay with one if he can have many, that has been his pattern. Always pay attention to his actions and less to his words.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 4:37pm
He is married , it's not a "stigma", there's another person involved. and it's really shoddy of him to be married to one woman and kinda sorta try to have a baby with another. the way he treats a woman he's grown tired of is a coming attraction to how he might one day treat you...And one day there might be someone else who's the other woman while you're the cheated on wife.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 5:05pm
An affair with a married guy is a big "no no" regardless of the circumstances...really. Not because it is a stigma, but because it is wrong. Think if you were married and your husband was having a 6 month relationship outside of your marriage, how would it feel? Probably devastating. I think in that situation, it is bound to end up hurting one, two or three people :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 6:32pm

Are aware that a green card can be revoked? What do you suppose will happen once his wife finds out that he's having a fling with you?

If you needed any proof that the guy has no decency, there's a whole list of things. He's using his wife to gain residency, only that's conditional on them staying married so this is a long term situation for him. He's cheating on his wife with you. You think he loves you, but if he really did then he'd be using some birth control because once you turn up pregnant and his wife finds out, he's likely to end up deported and isn't going to have to stick around to deal with your situation.

I guess it depends on your definition of what constitutes "working out" when you're sure that it will. What's the best case here would you imagine? You stay sleeping with a married man for all the time it takes before his wife can't take back her sponsorship, (assuming that by some miracle she never finds out)? And then you'll have a man who freely uses women. How long would you then imagine it'll be before he finds someone else to keep on the side?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 1:35pm

Please, please end this affair immediately. I was/is, I really don't know what to call it, in a nine months affair with a married man. He assured me that nothing was happening in his marriage, that he and his wife were sleeping in separate bedrooms the works.

He was so good at convencing me that his lies really seemed to be true (leaving my house around 2 - 3 a.m. every morning), until the pattern begun to change. From every night, it went to five nights, three nights, one night and then, every other week.

The sad thing about this is, I got pregnant, something we use to talk about as well. But when it actually happened, he had a change of mind. Well I had a miscarriage after seven weeks, so you know who was happy this was not going to wreck his marriage.

Then the down side of things developed at least for me in this affair, he told me that he and wife were going to met with a marriage counselor to discuss his neglect of her. I out right asked him if he can handle me with all that is going on in his marriage. Would you believe he do not want to let go (have his cake and eat it to).

Please leave this man immediately, like all of them, he is using you for the sex, and whatever else he is not getting at home. Believe you me, they rarely leave their wifes for their sweethearts.

Bull

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 9:59am

All the posts make sense and I am sorry that you are in such an unfortunate situation. That the guy is not decent that is very very clear. He spells trouble and you should distance yourself immediately from the whole situation. Is it just me, or do I see another problem here? I don't mean to sounds judgmental, but why would you enter a relationship with someone who is by law or otherwise taken? I know we are weak sometimes, but still there are boundaries, and someone elses spouse/significant other is OUT of bounds. I think there is never an excuse or compromise about this.

So, from a humane point of view, leave him also for yourself, to regain some self respect and know that you are doing the right thing. I hope you think it is. Good luck and best to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 5:07pm

Married men don't date. Married men have affairs. End of story.

Is it foolish? Yes! There are plenty of single, available men out there. Those are the men to date. Connection, sure, plenty if not all people in affairs claim the "connection was just so strong" and "we just couldn't help it, etc."

Here's the thing: if his green card marriage is just a marriage of convenience, then, why is he not out in the open about his relationship with you?

The answer is: because it's NOT just convenience. If it were, they'd have some sort of arrangement whereby they can see other people. He knows that. Do you think his wife thinks it's just a "Green Card marriage" ... probably not, right?

Do the RIGHT thing. End it with this man. And, recognize that if he's keeping something hidden from his wife, lying to her about his whereabouts, etc (as all cheaters do), then he can lie to you, too. And probably is lying to you. I mean, anyone who can sneak around behind their wife or SOs back is basically SHOWING you that what he's capable of. Which makes him NOT a trustworthy person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 12:40pm

Again, he is married and not to you.

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