exclusive talk went bad !! Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
exclusive talk went bad !! Need Advice
7
Sat, 04-01-2006 - 7:10am

**posted this on other board too.**

Well I did it!! I had the conversation, with my guy, about us being exclusive, didnt like what I heard, and it hurts like hell. But Im trying to be strong and look for the silver lining. A part of me still wonders if it was the truth or his way again of keeping me at a distance so I dont expect too much.

I started in with, about me going out with others as he had said that to me the other day, but said it was a joke, and asked if he saw anyone else, because he knows I dont do that. He laughed and threw out wild numbers like 10 7 9 then 0. Then I said is 0 the truth Tom, and he said no 1. I still see my old girlfriend, but only on a rare occassion. He then said "its nothing like you and I have Sue, trust me." I asked if thats so then why have it all? He responded I dont know, and why are you doing this Sue, why do you want to hear all this and get hurt! So I simply told him I needed to know and I had a right to know. Because at times we've had unprotected sex for one, and that wont happen again. And that I need to know where my life is and where I stand.

Well that was that and then we were having coffee and he was eating a muffin I made. Said how good they were, and what a great cook I am, I laughed and said sarcastically, "oh great then marry me!! " He said "no, and you dont want to get married anyway." I told him maybe someday I do, but not now. He told me when Im ready to go husband shopping let him know, because I can skip him over, its not even a word in his vocabulary. Then he went on, of course to say Im only kidding!! But Im not so sure he was.

I dont know what to do now. Basically Im in love with someone that I have no future with. This is why I suppose I dont get asked to his home, or meet his kids and friends. Im not his future, Im just a passing thing. All these months I hung in there hoping it would grow into something special and it did, except it will never be anything more obviously. And obviously Im not the only one in his life. Ive put almost a year of my life into this relationship.

Funny thing is I feel a sense of releif now that I know the truth. I just dont know where to go with it all. I think Im not anwsering my phone for a few days to him, I dont want him to see that he hurt me. I swore I wouldnt let a man hurt me again, but it happened. And I have no one to blame but myself.

History: I asked him this because some guys been asking me out, and I didnt want to go, I felt guilty, but at this point I suppose it would be foolish of me to ever feel guilty no matter what I do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 6:13am
Does anyone out there have any advice to offer me??? Please give me something!Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 1:48pm

I am in a similar situation myself. But when you ask these questions its because we want to know the truth not what we think it is. This man is being honest with you and you have to respect that. It obviously isn't what you want to hear but now you know and how you use this information is vital. If you remain with this man you will continue to feel that pain you feel right now because you will always try to change his mind. Don't put yourself through that. I would make a clean break and date some of those other men that have asked you out. If you desire marriage in your future then keep a focus on that and do whatever needs to be done to achieve that. That does not include this man.

I wish you luck and I know exactly how you feel.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 11:13pm

Thanks Fluffy!! Its nice to hear Im not alone! At this point we talked this morning on the phone, and I let him know that Im going to date again, and that he cant offer me what I want in life so maybe its best. Of course he didnt like that, but understood that if he cant make the committment then I shouldnt have to either. Which is exactly whats been happening here. I tied myself to him, saw no one else, assumed (which I know was stupid) that he was committed to me too.

Hes a busy man with work and his kids, yet he would call 2x's a day, see me once or twice a week. He treated me and our relationship like a couple. Not like a dating couple. So for that I fault him. I didnt chase after him, he was the one initiating the contact 95 percent of the time. I think its one of those, want his cake and eat it too things.

My friend doesnt think there is even someone else he sees. He thinks that this guy has committment issues and made it up to avoid a committment to me. Assuming all the while that Ill stick around and accept it. But he made a bad move if this is what he's thinking. Ive given this relationship since May, its been almost a year.

Its time to let it go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 9:26am

Nicely played...very proud of you for taking a stand with him. I know (first hand) how impossibly painful it is.

Who knows what is next move will be. But stick to your guns. You have inspired to do the same.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 6:27pm

Fluffy,

He called me today, left a message, and said he wants to get together this week to talk. I dont see what the point of talking is. Am I wrong? Im not looking for a committment of marriage from him, but I just think after being together for almost a year, I can at least expect a committment of exclusiveness? Is that really too much to expect?
And at this point I dont know what to beleive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 9:28pm

I think what you should do during your talk with him is tell him what you need from him. If you want to be exclusive with him say so.....if he says he can't at this point let him know that he can contact you when he decides he's ready and if you're available you will consider it. You need to be honest with him. He may very easily feel the pressure of you dating others or he may want to tie you back down again by saying things you want to hear. If it isn't what you want then you need to stick to your guns.

It's tough and its risky but you have everything to gain here. Let me know exactly what you want and be strong about it.

Keep me posted on how it goes and I wish you all the luck in the world. I wish after my talk with my man on Saturday that he would say all the right things and everything would be right in the world but there is little hope and I have to move onto other options. His loss though. Still hurts like heck.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 9:32pm
A great book is He's Scared she's Scared...its about committment phobic men and women....my advice is to pick up a copy and see how well or not well you relate,,,,